Passive aggressive DH - would counselling help?

[Citygardener]

DH and I have been married for 12 years and are currently going through a very tough time in our relationship. It?s nothing new, but it?s only recently that I?ve started to understand more about the patterns, why things might be happening etc. I?ve spent time reading up on stuff, and going for counselling on my own, and I?ve learnt a lot and discovered that DH is a pretty much a textbook passive aggressive personality. This comes out in ways like refusing to communicate openly, no real relationships with friends because he can?t open up about anything, a fear of emotional intimacy with me and a need to evade/avoid/blame others for virtually anything that doesn?t go his way. There?s also a lot of low level hostility mainly towards me which I?ve learnt is about keeping me at arms length and trying to get me to basically not ask him for much. The result is I?ve become pretty angry and sad over the years and feel quite lost with it all. Anyone with a PA partner will probably know the script.

My question is: has anyone with a PA partner been to relationship counselling and seen any real changes in their partner over a period of time? Is there anything to be gained from couple counselling knowing (or at least me thinking I know) what these problems are, and what they mean? DH is very good at dodging things, passing the buck and blaming me, and I?m not sure he?s really going to face up to things. He has said he will go to counselling, which is a real plus. Maybe he?d be better going alone? But because he?s a bit of a narcissist, my secret fear with this is that he?d simply end up talking about himself, his childhood etc rather than on focusing on how to improve his marriage:(

I?ve got to the point where I?m pretty much backing out of the marriage psychologically but it?s still a big, huge, step to leave. We also have a very young DS.

Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks so much if you?ve read this far.

The main aim of relationship counselling is to open up a channel of communication in the sessions themselves, and to work on tools you can employ yourselves. So in your case: how to communicate with each other.

It's positive that he has agreed to go. I hope he follows through. No-one can say what the outcome will be, though: you'll have to try and see.

If you do go to couples counselling and feel that he is derailing sessions with narcissistic concerns, point out that you want your feelings heard and your issues as a couple discussed in the relationship counselling session.

And you're allowed to call time on the counselling at any point if you don't think it's working for you.

Good luck.

I do not have the experience of counselling in this way that you are seeking, but I thought I would respond as you are clearly unhappy in your marriage. You cannot make your husband go to counselling if he does not want to. Counselling should help you to decide what you want to do about your marriage. I think you need to decide what you want and have a calm discussion with your husband along the lines of "we cannot go on like this, I am unhappy; would you consider counselling?" If he says no, then you will need to make plans on your own. If he is unwilling to take the steps to change then you need to make plans for yourself without him.

Sorry, I missed the bit about him agreeing to counselling. Regarding how self-centered he would be in counselling, you need to be aware that most counsellors ask individuals a lot about their childhood, as the way they behave as adults has its roots there. So if he goes, the counsellor may well focus on him alot before he/she moves on to the marriage issue, and may ask him about his parents/childhood etc. That would give the counsellor a better understanding about his behaviour. It is not at all unusual for people to behave exactly as one or the other of their parents did, and to be completely unaware of this.

Does he actually think he has a problem? Does he care that you are unhappy? If you have 'secret fears' about his motives for going to counselling, that suggests you think the answers are 'no' and 'no'.

Bottom line is that you can psycho-analyse your partner and understand them to the nth degree but you can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own reaction to it. To me he sounds like an antisocial, selfish, miserable git that can control & manipulate you because a) you like to see the best in others, b) you think he's capable of improvement and c) you are nervous about leaving ....i.e. he's not a very nice person at all.

Thank you so much for the quick responses everyone. Some sage points here, I need to digest fully and have a think, just wanted to say quick thx for replying. Btw, Cogito, I think the answers to your first two questions are both no. That's a huge part of the problem.

Can I suggest you read this article. I think you may revise your diagnosis from 'passive aggressive' to 'emotionally abusive....'

Counselling could be do helpful. We were similar to you and we learned lots of strategies and new ways to communicate. Made a huge difference. Please do try - it was a huge relief.

What Cogito said.

Also re he's a bit of a narcissist. He either is or he is not, you cannot be just a bit of one.

Narcissists do not respond at all well to therapy and can be many years work for even the most forgiving of therapists. He likely will not go into any counselling anyway and even if he did he'd probably only go once and never again.

He is also not your project to rescue and or save; you can ultimately only help your own self here.

If you have counselling go on your own and certainly not with him. He will dominate all sessions and make all the problems out to be your fault primarily.

Think carefully too what you want to teach your son about relationships. It is a big scary step to leave but what sort of future do you exactly want for you and your child and what sort of future life would you have with this person if you were to choose to stay?. Your son would not thank you for staying with his dad if he was abusive; he would wonder of you why you did not leave and thus put your H before him as a child.

Thanks for all of your replies. As usual, some really useful advice given here.
Newgirl, as someone who's quite positive about their counselling outcome, could you possibly give any more detail on how it worked for you? Am particularly interested in what you say about the new ways to communicate. Attila, I think that's precisely the reason why things are coming to a head. Pre-DS, I was probably willing to let certain things go, or overlook unpleasantness. Now I'm not.

Btw, apparently the best way to talk to anyone specialising in PA behaviour is to be utterly straight and whatever happens, stay on track of what you want to say. They usually do their best to derail or undermine the conversation, esp if you're trying to tackle their poor behaviour, so will do things like blame you, repeatedly try and change the subject, bring up old wounds/rows that they know you'll react to etc, anything to avoid, avoid, avoid basically. It can be very difficult to steer your way through all that, stay calm and get your thoughts across but I'm trying.

Thanks again.

PS thanks for the article link Cogito.

Citygardener your first post seems to be my exact story. I know exactly how exhausted, demoralised and frustrated you might be feeling by banging your head with a wall for so long. I constantly question my judgement how could I get trapped with such a person. I don't have any advice to share as such as I have just had my first counselling session on my own yesterday but rest assured you are not alone. I wish you happiness and all the good luck

One thing I remember was we have different 'love languages' eg I like to talk dh likes to " do" eg lots of cuPs of tea etc. We talked about what first attracted us, looked at all the influences in our lives, how much time we have just for us. We discovered patterns in rows that were making things worse. It was all very practical, which surprised me. We both understood each other more. Really liked the therapist too she was very bright and I felt we covered a lot each time. Hope that helPs.