Are my ILs toxic? How do I deal with it?

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

This is really difficult for me as I lost my parents suddenly when I was in my early twenties and they were young themselves so I have no idea of being around older parents. My relationship was fantastic with my parents, we were very close and I spent a lot of time with them and have nothing but happy memories of my childhood/teenage years.

So, onto DH, Ive always got on with MIL, but its always been a little distant and polite as DH moved away when he was young (about 30 years ago) and never went back to live. He was encouraged to fly the nest, as did his older brother and sister at a young age, and MIL and FIL had very much their own life. There has never been an issue with the relationship (so I thought), DH would go once or twice a year to visit (tried to go more when DS was born but they were either off somewhere, busy etc or we couldnt go), he tried to ring each week but very often they werent there, he`d leave a message and ring back the next week. DH and his siblings are not particularly close, there is a large age gap (him the youngest) in fact he really cannot get on with his brother who had left home when dh was young. PIL have never come to our home although they travelled around the world.

FIL, died suddenly about three years ago, so we made the effort to go up more and DH now rings her every night. Shes been in and out of hospital over the last year, ds is very young, he tires her out so dh has tried to go on his own and get up when he can but its not always easy.

MIL broke her hip on NYE, shes been in hospital since and looks likely to be in for some time yet. At christmas, she had given us £500 as she knew things had been tough for us as it has been for a lot of people, he has taken a second job and hes shattered, terribly run down and very very stressed. Hes tried twice to go and see her but have been told by his sis and bro that its not conveinient for him to stay and can he not book into a hotel, anyway its all been arranged for dh to go this weekend on his own to spend some time with her, hes been worried as he thought she had her phone off and he had not been able to get through to her for the last two weeks, his brother and sister have been very short on the phone to him.

BIL rang him last night and it seems as though 30 years of angry came out, his mother doesnt want to talk to him as hes let her down, she felt she had to give him money as he moaned about finacial problems, all shes done for him and he cant be bothered to come up every weekend to see her, after he finished university he should have come back to his home town like his brother, hes let the brother and sister down as hes not shared the burden of her care with them, it went on for an hour, him, his sister and mother are all agreed that hes let the family down.

DH is not awful, hes devestated, hes going up tomorrow to see his mother but I dont know what to say, I`m angry and confused. I had such a different relationsip with my parents and would always have lived near them, as my daughter does with me, but theirs was never liked that.

I want to shove two fingers up to the lot of them, but dont suppose we can, can we?

Sorry its so long

Sadly for you (and your DH), you have married in to a very dysfunctional family.

You say they were all encouraged to leave at a very young age etc. That suggests to me they were selfish detached parents, and put themselves before their children. Not ever visiting your house - they could have been holding a grudge or are just not bothered about your DH, you and DS.

If your MIL has got a 'Will' do you think your BIL/SIL are resentful enough to be angling to get her to change it in their favour? I have known this to happen literally over someone's deathbed, and they succeeded. Solicitors were actually brought in to the hospital.

Regardless of my last paragraph, by your BIL/SIL causing all this upset, when let's face it, she might not have long to live, is just pretty disgusting in itself, because your DH could be left quite emotionally scarred by this.

Ive just spoken to DH, he has decided that he will take the train there tomorrow and come back after visiting, means two long journeys but he said hed rather come home then have a nice day on Sunday. He is going to say something to MIL, and be firm with her in terms of her instructing BIL to ring him, he wanted to give the money back but Ive told him not to as that would be nasty and he would lose moral ground, but he is going to tell her not to give him any money again. Not sure if her will say all this, but perhaps he needs to think that he is iyswim.

Regarding BIL, hes a rather sad lonley oldish man now and when MIL dies Im afraid well have nothing to do with him.

I do think that this has made DH look differently at his family now though, hes always sort of made out that they were close, I use to just nod and mmm and agree a little but now I think hes seen them for what they are.

That I think is from having his own children, dd is 18 and he realises that hes in no hurry for her to move out and make her own way in the world, whereas his parents encouraged them to leave at that age.

OP one thing that I noted is that your DH's siblings have told him that it wasn't convenient for him to stay when he's planned to come down, suggesting he stay in a hotel instead, all the while knowing your family is struggling financially. Tbh, if the lack input/contribution from your DH really was the issue, I'm not sure why they would refuse to put your DH up, while at the same time suggesting something that they know he can't afford, therefore putting a barrier to him coming up more frequently. There is more to this than the rant your BIL has dispensed to your DH that he claims your MIL has apparently dictated. I agree with whoever posted further up stating that your DH shouldn't apologise for whatever it is he's supposed to have done, precisely as he's not a mind reader, and they haven't made it easy for him either when it was perfectly possible for them to simply make up a bed for him to allow him more visits, that were affordable.

Hmm, maybe I havent helped as I guess I immotalised my parents as being perfect (when they werent) as they died young, perhaps he always felt that he had to make out that his family were fantastic aswell? If my parents had not died perhaps they would have become pita or something, so it would have have taken the pressure of DH if that makes sense.

I always though MIL was rather detatched and not particularly maternal, BIL is without the favoured one, which is a shame as hes such a nob really.

No, they`ve never been to see us, they did come down here for the wedding (apart from Elvis loving SIL) but they were cross that we didnt have the wedding in their town!

I dont think its about money as shes really hasnt got a lot I dont think, although she told us after FIL died that BIL had got her to set up life insurance and we would be ok when she died. We translated that as a death policy and we might be able to fork out for a meal when she died!

BIL is money obsessed,he thinks he some sort of Gordon Gekko, he went to Uni with Seb Coe dont you know this one is trotted out everytime he or she meet one of my family (who then struggle not to choke, die hard socialists) Dh did tell her that was nothing to brag about, but it was lost on her and BIL. (sorry laughing as I write that)

I agree bunch, both his brother and sister are in their late fifties, early sixties, (massive age gap between them and him) they have grown up children who have flown the nest so they have the room. Perhaps they have always seen him as irrelevant because he is so much younger than them? Which worries me as we have dd 18 and ds 3, but she is devoted to her little brother, my friend has a sister who is 16 years older and they are really close, so I dont know.

They have always been rather patronising to him. BIL thinks DH is a loser for working in the public sector and says thats why he`ll never be rich, he seems unable to understand that DHs work and students are important to him, everything is about making money, which is lost on us. Dh is rather placid though and would do anything rather than argue but even he feels pushed over the edge this time.

Blimey, I`m sorry, once you open these floodgates its hard to stop isnt it. I will walk away from the computer now.

I think the fact that you ILs rarely returned your DH's calls in the past and never came to visit you is quite telling. Clearly they have never had much to do with your DC?

This reminds me very much of a friend of mine, whose parents died and his older brother and sister managed to make sure that he and his younger sibling inherited nothing (and he thought he'd been quite close to them!).

If he wants to see his mum I think your DH should go, but he really needs to leave any expectations of Happy Families behind with you.

Any update after the visit?

HiBN, Thanks for asking, DH went up yesterday on the train, MIL acted as though nothing had happened and just seemed happy to see him.

It's a very difficult situation now as Dh felt she is going downhill now and senses that it will be unlikely that she leaves the hospital, but he felt he had to tell her that BIL had caused a lot of upset by ringing and that if she wanted to talk then to talk direct to him.

I have to say he seemed rather different when he got in last night, he feels she is at the end and doesn't want to upset her now but also felt slightly detached from it all, he said although he loved her, she was never particularly maternal and always done her own thing. I asked if he apologised to his mum for not getting up there before and he said no he felt he had nothing to apologise for, she knows he has a young family and a lot of pressure with two jobs. He said it was all perfectly pleasant and friendly and he'll try and go in a couple of weeks, nothing awful just somewhat detached.

As for BIL, he's not going to answer calls from him, if BIL wants MIL pennies he can have them Dh at the moment doesn't want any money from her, he is upset over that still.

My feeling is it will stay quiet at the moment and when MIL dies then god knows.

Good for him! I'm pleased that he managed to get up there and she was ok with him. If she is on her way out it would be awful if they were arguing and they remained his last memories. It's terrible that BIL is a big shit-stirrer and put him through what now seems alot of unnecessary grief with regards to his mothers feelings!

So was she aware of what was being said?

Oh yes fuckadoo, Dh said her mind is sharp but her body is failing, he said she's tiny and weak but knows exactly what's going on around her. I think he and BIL very close (he's a lot older than Dh, alone and lives near her) he's definitely in control since FIL died and we think she quite likes that, Dh has young family and SIL tries to keep out of way as much as possible.

I don't think BIL is doing it for money, think he's just a total control freak, it was a case of a sixty year old man gaining pleasure from 'look mummy loves me best' but as Dh says, that's not news. However, MIL knew exactly what she was doing. At least Dh accepts this now, it's how he deals with it to cause minimal hurt for him is my only concern.