Ending a relationship tomorrow. Words of hope and support needed.

[maryclarey]

Tomorrow night I have to tell my long term partner that we are over and I am leaving. I have agonised over this for months and he has resisted every step of the way as we tried to deal with it. We have tried counselling but I still feel the same and I have nothing left to give. I am desperately sad because he is a lovely person but he's not right for me or I for him.

When I try to end it I am sure he is going to put up an awful fight and I need to stay strong. Please can I ask for your words of support to bolster me in what I have to do?

Good luck - what a grim thing to have to do. Think about afterwards - how much better you will feel when you have got it over with. Be nice to yourself.

Thank you

My sympathies...it certainly won't be easy.
Just remain calm and resolute, for tomorrow at least refrain from being dragged into discussion about it.
Be concise and kind, and just keep reiterating that it is over.

Thanks. Good advice.

I am more that a bit petrified!

Just keep reminding yourself that you will be happier without him. Otherwise you wouldn't be ending it. Simple as. Good luck.

I can sympathise, I've just broken up with my partner for pretty much the same reason. He is lovely, we just aren't right for each other. It still hurts and I can't seem to stop crying. I just know its for the best, for both of us, and that we could both be happier than we are. I'm sure I'll find happiness and that both you and your partner will too, just remember that it's better not to settle or to hold on because its easier or safer to be in a relationship, thats what I'm holding on to and its what is keeping me strong right now! x

If there its any advice I would give you is once you have told him and if he takes it badly, try not to get into a discussion and go somewhere else.

When I broke up with my H he took it very badly, and tried to talk me out of it. (Still is!) I did not want to discuss it at the time, so I said what i had to, listened to him until he started to get to me and then went to my best friend.

I was glad I had her to turn to as I fell to pieces once I got there. It was a mix of relief and fear.

Be kind to yourself, be strong and wishing you the best x

Broken record technique - say something, short and kind and then repeat in slightly different but equally short ways, until he stops protesting. Then escape, as someone else said. Sorry and good luck.

carpartist, good luck for tomorrow. I am 2 weeks into my separation but we are still living together until i can find somewhere else to live. I wanted to end the relationship before Christmas but didn't want to ruin that time of year, so decided need to start the new year with a fresh start.

I too get moments of excitement, I've decorated and furnished my new house, just the way i want it (albeit in my head. )

NOTHANKYOU (not shouting, am new to this and can't get the 'bold' and 'underline' to work.) I totally understand about finding 'your old self'. and preparing for singledom. I too started getting in touch with old friends that i have not seen for a million years, some of them have separated / divorced since i last saw them.

My 2 mayor problems are how to tell DCs and finding somewhere to live. I don't want to stay in the family home mainly because i hate the house and area - always have never wanted to move here in the first place but DP made me feel guilty about having kids so this was my compromise and sadly the beginning of the end of the relationship and one of the reasons for losing touch with friends. I feel really ashamed to invite friends to the house and so stopped seeing friends. sometimes can't believe I sold my lovely one bed Victorian conversion flat to live in this mess of a house in a neighbourhood that I hate.

sorry didn't mean to rant. I have a separate thread where i'm being sensible about the separation but have enjoyed this little rant.

And good luck for tomorrow. If you are resolved to end the relationship be strong and stick to your guns.

I have found this site surprising supportive so do come back if you need support. would send you a glass of wine for courage but don't know how. :-)

crapartist
I hope you're ok? I just wanted to check whether you were ok after your chat with DH.

Leave a bag with a frien. put enough in it so you dont have to return for a few days.
when u say it's over , pick words that cant be argued with. eg "i dont want this relationship anymore". "i want us to split up!". if you provide examples of why u want to leave him he might try to put a different spin on it. if you say "i feel this isnt working" he can argue with u and tell u why u r wrong to feel/believe that. that your reasons for feeling the relationship should end are based on your mistaken interpretations of his words/actions.... The ONLY thing that cant be argued with is "i dont love you. i want to split up". but usually people sugar coat this harshness but it sounds like u cant do that with this guy. u r going to need to boil it right down to "i dont want to be with you".

good luck. dont be drawn into too much discussion as that will only feed any notion he might have that u need his blessing or approval to end the relationship.

wishing u good luck.

Remember that you don't need his permission or his agreement to dump him. It's not wrong to end a relationship that isn't making your life better. Just say, this relationship is over, here's what's going to happen (WRT shared finances/contact with DC).

What do you mean exactly when you say he'll put up an awful fight? Do you think he'll try to physically stop you from leaving? Cry until you feel too guilty to go? Accuse you of being with someone else?

What do you think will happen?

Will there b a court case? your decision will be torn apart by the "respondent". well it"s not a court case. u dont need to get a judge to believe u, or sanction your desire to move on. if he tries to go all barristet on you just ignore him and do what you are going to do. he will actually figure it out quicker the less time u spend trying to make him understand. so long as u waste energy trying to make him understand, he will know that you still feel u dont fully have the right to end the relationship if its not what he has 'ruled'.

Thanks for all your responses and advice, it is appreciated.

I have ended things, and as I thought, it wasn't easy. The fight he put up was just his verbal disagreement with what I was doing, nothing threatening. I was (rightly) concerned about how difficult it would be. Although I know the relationship wasn't right, as I lie on an airbed in my sisters flat I am doubting my decision.

Why?

Because I feel vulnerable right now and for many years he has been my comfort, and now I can't ask him for any comfort.

I am going to ride it out though. I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now!

Remind yourself that you felt strongly enough about ending the relationship to put yourself and him through the excruciating 'talk'.

It's easy to start wondering if you've done the right thing in any situation. The best thing to do is trust that you felt strongly enough to end it, so you did. Don't second guess yourself. Be true to yourself. Move on now.

Ive just called off my wedding it was hard but it was the right thing to do. We are still living together for the time being. Its been ok, its very amicable. I have some bad days but you have to go through it to come out the other side. Hang on in there, I know its not easy.
Stick to your guns, youve made the right decision. Good luck