Boyfriend is CONSTANTLY ill or worrying about something

[MyaCondria]

It's got to the point where I'm struggling to remember what he's like when he's fit and well.

When we met last year he was full of life and energy, always laughing and smiling and wanting to go out and do things. He would occasionally whinge about illness/something he was worrying about but he was happier than he was down iyswim? Well it's totally gone the other way and he's bringing me down but I don't want to be selfish about it all, I'm a nurse ffs.

Latest one - 2 weeks ago he developed a few spots on his belly. He totally over-reacted, said he was "riddled" with infection, stood in the kitchen saying "for fucks sake, what is wrong with me?" I tried to be sympathetic/supportive but IMO he was making a huge mountain out of a molehill. One night he said "I know you think I'm a hypochondriac but you don't understand, you don't have a serious illness like I do"

He went backwards and forwards to doctors who kept telling him it was a virus and would clear up. Eventually he accepted that - but then a few more spots appeared on his neck and he went absolutely mad, decided it was leaukaemia, laid out saying he had no energy, went into a bit of a depression over it, took time off work - one night he was screaming in his sleep - I woke him up and he was in a cold sweat and asked me to take him to A&E. I thought "shit, there really is something wrong with him" so I took him - waited in there until 4am - doctor said same thing, virus which will clear up, nothing to worry about.

He took the next day off work and went back to his GP - again was told virus, nothing to worry about.

So he seemed to come around, went back to work yesterday - almost seemed normal but came home in the evening in a bit of a strop, it almost seemed like he wanted an argument but was passing it off as him being tired.

He ate his tea and then it got to about 8pm and he went right down hill again, said he felt sick and his stomach was hurting - eventually went to bed at 9pm. He was then up all night with sickness and diarrhea and has taken today off work. He's currently in bed.

It's one thing after another. I know he can't help being ill but I can't help thinking that 80% of his illnesses are psychological (not the D&V obviously but the whole 'virus' fiasco).

I've had pain all down my left side for two weeks. In my chest, breast, down my arm and neck etc. I've been really worried about it. If ever I mention it, he barely responds. This morning it was so painful I made an appointment for the doctor - when I told him I was going to doctors he just said "ok" - didn't even ask me why.

We used to go out every friday night, we haven't been out since before Christmas. We were supposed to be going out tonight but again we've had to cancel. We haven't had sex for over two weeks.

He said to me the other night during a depressive state "I sometimes think you should just dump me and I'll go and get better on my own". It sometimes comes across that he'd rather be alone with his illnesses - I asked if he wanted to split up, he said no that's the last thing he wants ...

We're going on holiday in 6 weeks, a holiday which has cost us over £5k and I'm terrified it's all going to go tits up because of his illnesses/moods.

I'm being unreasonable arnt I? I don't mean to be so selfish sounding but it's CONSTANT.

Are viruses psychological? The doctors he's seen have told him he has had viruses, so what makes you think it's in his head?

YANBU. HE sounds a right PITA. Putting up with this in a long-term partner is one thing, but in a relatively new BF, why even bother?

He sounds quite depressed with health anxiety , probably something underlying is bothering him.

Even if it's real it's about state of mind and positive attitude. I've carried on being a single parent and working while suffering with shingles. I'm not in denial and will take myself off to bed when appropriate when I'm ill as I'm aware that ignoring things can often make them worse. I"ll ask for help when I need it too. But what I don't do is moan and whinge all the time about it so that I drag everyone else down.

If he is a proper hypochondriac (i.e. the proper, medical condition) so all this is genuine as far as he's concerned and he really is scared he's got something serious, are you willing to sign up to a lifetime of this?

If I'd been married 15 years and my DH developed this, obviously I'd support him through it, but no way would I sign up to this in a newish relationship.

Also, be aware that nurses are renowned for attracting just this sort of partner.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you together at all?.

He does not want to split up because he has you currently to look after him. Think there were warning signs re him far earlier on but these were put into the background.

He sounds like he either cannot or will not cope at all; being on holiday with him could well be a recipe for disaster.

What do you actually know about this man in terms of background, his relationship with friends and parents etc?.

No I don't think the virus is psychological but the massive deal he made of it was iyswim? he made it into something it just wasn't.

His father died of cancer two years ago. By the sounds of it the death followed a diagnosis quite swiftly and I know he isn't dealing with it and perhaps it has made him paranoid. He tells me he was never ill until about a year ago, never so much as a cold. Now he's constantly ill with one thing or another.

Of course you're a nurse. Hypochondriacs seek out health professionals the way alcoholics seek out off-licence owners... :) The cheerful him was his 'date face' and this sounds like the real him. I suppose you have to give him the benefit of the doubt if it's a genuine virus and it could easily be that his immune system is pretty poor putting him in the way of every bug going, but I think you have to draw the line at the selfish, stroppy, argumentative stuff. People who milk illnesses or use them as an excuse to behave badly are not worth wasting time on.

Pity about the holiday but I'd be giving him a wide berth for a few weeks 'to recover'.

Sounds like he's a narcissist. There is a whole thread on it here somewhere. Very difficult to live with. Very focused on themselves and totally unable to empathise with anyone else.

I stick with him because before all this started we had such a fun time together, in the first 6 months of being with him I honestly feel were perhaps the best 6 months of my adult life. We did so much in those 6 months it was crazy. I remember coming home from work, getting straight into the car, driving to Manchester, watching a concert, driving home at 1am on the motorway, getting a couple of hours sleep and then driving next morning to West Midlands in order to get on a plane for Ireland for another big concert/romantic night away. That was our life.

Now it feels like we've been married 20 years and simply 'exist' as a couple. I still go out with my friends however whilst he slumps in front of the TV with a face on feeling sorry for himself.

(it was Shingles that started this virus a year ago btw).

Hmm, maybe I'm a cold-hearted bitch (& fellow nurse) but my instincts are screaming LEAVE!!! A previous poster was right, nurses unfortunately do attract the kind of man who likes to be ill and fussed over, but as nurses tend to be the kind who'll drag themselves into work with a leg hanging off I'm not sure why they think we'll be more sympathetic to minor ailments! My DH reckons I'm about as sympathetic as a house brick (at home, not in work!).

But seriously, a fairly new boyfriend behaving this way? Even if he is ill, it's down to attitude and how you deal with it, and I would certainly NOT be signing on for a lifetime of this self-pitying panic and mollycoddling if I were you.

Well I felt a bit cold hearted last night. As I say we've just got over this whole virus thing where I fussed over him and supported him, checked out his spots, confirmed that his various moles and marks didn't look cancerous, acknowledged his excessive internet research etc and then he comes down with V&D. After a long stint in bed last night and a lot of puking he comes into the living room clutching his stomach and says "oh I feel so shit, I just looked in the bog and threw up" and I just burst out laughing and I really couldn't stop laughing. It's just the way it literally is one thing after another. He went back to bed in a strop and I went up to apologies for laughing but even now I'm grinning about the whole thing just typing this. It's got to the point where I just can't take him seriously when he says he's ill.

Sounds like a psychological reaction to his Dad's death. Perhaps your first six months was a period of hedonistic denial for him, blocking the processing of feelings about his Dad, or perhaps the reaslisation of how good life can be has made him very scared, in case it ends.

He needs to work through his feelings. Up to you if you want to stay with him while he does that. You don't have a responsibility to support him long term and he should be thinking about the impact of his behaviour on you but may need a prompt.

"I sometimes think you should just dump me and I'll go and get better on my own".

DO IT! I agree with featherbag and I'm not a nurse. Yes, the first six months were good, but they are in the past now.

If he has grief issues, I understand, BUT he is an adult and needs to recognise these and take responsibility for them, they are not your responsibility. He doesn't, he does this instead.

I had post-viral problems following shingles, including painful symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis that left me practically crippled for the first half an hour of every day. It didn't stop me doing anything, nor did I allow myself to take it out on other people.

That sounds really stressful.

I suffer from anxiety (OCD and phobias), and it sounds like he does too; the difference between me and your boyfriend appears to be that he is completely lacking in insight.

Anxiety is tricky because it can feel absolutely real. I have an uncommon phobia that a lot of people find funny. From my perspective it's about as funny as being surrounded by starving lions, but it is, on the face of it, absolutely fucking ridiculous. Consequently, I don't think you'll get anywhere with your boyfriend by telling him that he's delusional and unreasonable.

However, I also don't think you should mollycoddle him. He will destroy his own life if he continues acting like every little niggle is a terminal illness. Even if you want to help him, you have to understand that the only real help you can give him is help to understand why he has this disordered thinking, and help to stop it.

In all honesty, I would give him an ultimatum - either he gets therapy (probably grief counselling to deal with the unresolved crap about his dad, and CBT [which has a good evidence base for anxiety] for the anxiety issues). That's if you want to give him one more chance. If he doesn't engage with the therapy, leave.

Alternatively, just leave anyway. He is very wrapped up in himself, and clearly can't spare any thought for you. This is a bad sign, as the underlying personality affects how a disorder like this will affect someone.

btw, anxiety can cause D&V, without any direct physical cause.

You don't have kids with him. You don't live with him. Why make your life harder? It's Friday. Dump and have a good weekend.