Moving on words of wisdom

[boyfromipinema]

Hi. My girlfriend ended our relationship at the weekend. We had been together nearly two years. It's the third time she has done this. I'm not going to go into too much detail about it or criticize her, but suffice to say I didn't deserve the way she has ended it, on any of the occassions. I've been a good boyfriend. Turns out she just didn't love me, even though she had told me at times that she did. She was always very ambiguous and led me on a bit.

In the past I would have run around in a panic trying to win her back or make things better if she ended it or got upset with me, even if it wasn't my fault. This time I won't. She has been out of order in how and why she ended it and I will not contact her again. I'm a bit worried that I will be weak if she contacts me...though I don't think she will.
Which brings me to the nature of my post. I'd just like to get some good advice on how to move on from this. I'm an older guy and have been around, been married and divorced, have got kids (not from this relationship).
I am thinking about her a lot and though she treated me badly I still feel love for her, which annoys me. I'd just like to move on now...I'm tired.
A woman's perspective would help as I can't really talk to my mates about it.

No words of wisdom

Just keep in that frame of mind that you don't deserve the heart ache!

Hard as it seems chin up and move on with your head held high!

You need to think logically about this. What is it about her you love? Can you see a future with someone who makes you feel like you have been led on?

I know it's hard. I was "addicted" to an ex and would drop everything for him but then one day the realisation hit me that he was treated me like an option. I looked at what he actually had to offer long term and I'm embarrassed to say I spent 7 years craving a man I would t actually want long term!

See the truth of the relationship, it doesn't work for you.
As a previous poster said, we can get addicted to these relationships.
Obsessed even, trying to save our ego, thinking we are not good enough or did something wrong.
Wanting to fix it ( to keep our pride intact )
The men I still think about from my past are the ones who rejected me.
The ones I rejected don't cross my mind.
Ouch!

You will get over it, if you don't go back there.
If you do, it will be more of the same.
It's not a matter of willpower or weakness I don't think, more one of acceptance that this relationship isnt right for you.
Stop putting your hand in the fire!

Have a mantra to say when it comes into your mind, 'I accept this relationship isn't right for me and i move on'
If she calls, stick to that.
' the relationship doesn't work for me anymore, good luck'

I would say to any of my friends going through this, you deserve more.

You're right of course. Just hard at the moment as I miss her dearly in spite of everything.
This relationship has put me through an emotional wringer. I don't blame her, it's my fault for deceiving myself that she had stronger feelings for me then I thought...hoped for. After our first break up I was really hurt and sad. It was a long break and I didn't expect to hear from her again. I kind of got over it, but there was always still a hole in my heart left by her. When she got in touch again many monhs later I knew I should have not gone back...but I did.
So I take it on the chin and probably saw it coming eventually.
Still hard to let go though.

While its petty and childish, I find becoming an even more amazing person can make you REALLY smug if/when they get back in touch.

I am actually genuine friends with a lot of my exs but there's that one I just need to have shown him I've moved on ( of course, the main reason I did the courses/volunteer work etc was for me. It's just added satisfaction when their life is the same dull boring bleugh and yours is sparkly and fresh and exciting)

Of course I shouldn't encourage it but it works :)

I am cutting a forlorn figure at the moment, constantly thinking of her and feeling great sadness for how things have ended. I was about to write her an email on saturday morning telling her I missed her and that the door is still open if she ever changes her mind, but a feeling I had stopped me. I probably should not have done this, but I know she used to do internet dating before she met me so I looked to see if she had put herself back out there. There she was looking for a long relationship, and using a lovely picture I took of her when we were on holiday. It was like a punch in the stomach. I know we had split, but it had been days and there she was looking for someone else.I decided not to send the email and all weekend I could think of nothing else but her in the arms of another man. Part of me feels like maybe I didn't do enough to convince her to stay with me. We had met up and talked things though, but it seemed like such a nice meeting and there was no animosity that it still feels like I could have had a chance. Maybe she wanted to see how much I wanted her to stay? Maybe she was waiting for me to contact her to tell her I missed her? Questions, questions. But I know these are from my heart. My head tells me she could not have loved me if she has done this. I feel like writing her a letter, telling her how I feel and that I know she is dating, but another part thinks I'll just be making a fool of myself and I should just stick with my no contact.
I know I'm not a mum so I guess I shouldn't be here asking for advice, but I'm torn and I'd appreciate some.

It may be expected that she may get in touch again. once her current bf dumps her
Do not reply to any form of contact. Or just tell her, once, that you have moved on.

You probably miss being in a relationship more than her.

I feel like emailing her to tell her I saw her and how it has made me feel. Feels like I'll be getting it off my chest.

Do not contact her. She most likely will be cold to you and it'll make you feel even worse. Now is the time to protect and look after yourself. You should be with someone who wants to be with you all the time. Not someone who blows hot and cold and you feel you have to chase after.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

There are no quick, easy remedies to overcome how rotten youre feeling at the moment. I think you know that. The speed with which she is looking for someone else, should be the biggest indicator you have, that she didnt view your relationship the way you did. It was obviously never going to go the distance for her, and Im so sorry to say it, but you appear to have been used as a stop gap, whilst shes been looking for "The One". Not Mr Right, just Mr Right Now.

You sound a lovely, caring man, and are far too special to waste your time on someone who will only continue to use you, if you let her. Take the time to heal from this, build your confidence back up, and look again. Next time you will, hopefully, find someone who will deserve you.

Thank you. Those are kind words.

Why not have a look at the dating thread on this forum? You will see that there are a lot of 'older women' out there, funny, smart and available - when you feel ready to start looking again I suspect you will have little trouble finding a GF who will reciprocate the love you have to offer. But you have to close the door on this relationship first....

You sound lovely boyfromipinema! I know its hard ive just split from my fiance(though in my case it was my choice).
If you really feel like you want to write her a letter and pour out all your feelings then do it, BUT DONT POST IT! It will help to get it all out. Then burn it. Then write the reply you would like from her. It works!
You will find someone else when the time is right. She does not deserve you. You deserve so much better. Take care.

I was weak and emailed her last night. Told her I saw her on dating website and how I felt gutted about it and how she has a man around the corner who loves her. She responded by saying she's single now and only goes on it for a laugh and a chat because she was bored and that she doesn't rate the men on it. Then asked me if my cold was ok and even signed off using a sweet nickname I used to use for her. I replied to that saying it's hurt me but I don't hate her, just felt sad...and alas no reply. So the closure I sought has ended up causing me more stress because her reply seemed ambiguous. On the one hand being dismissive of the dating thing and on the other asking me how I was. then not replying to my response.

I'm hurting myself aren't I.

You know you are, but we`ve all done it.

However, you wont even begin to heal until you detach from her completely. Please do it. Otherwise you are just inviting her to come back and walk all over you, if she doesnt find some other daft bugger one else.

Its difficult when you don't have closure from a relationship. However, it sounds as though she was never really that interested in you, and just picked you up and dropped you as it suited her.

You deserve better than that, and can assure you that there are plenty of wonderful women out there who will treat you with the same love and respect you show them.

One day she may seriously regret the way she treated you, but I wouldn't hold out hope that she will ever say anything. I'm still hoping my Ex will apologise for the awful things he did to me, but ever day that goes by I realise self centred people such as my Ex and your Ex will most likely never acknowledge that they have done wrong.

Focus on getting yourself better, resist the urge to contact her, nothing she says will make it better.

Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, this is not what she has shown you.

Hello. Sorry for resurecting this thread, but I'd like a bit of advice on how to stop thinking about her. I've not contacted her since our last conversation which was nearly 3 weeks ago. I told her I wouldn't and will stick to my guns on that as she made it clear she wanted the relationship over. But I miss her so much and just keep thinking of her all the time. Its like a constant loop in the background. Maybe this is because it's so recent, but I'd like some practical advice of how to overcome this. Even though I know she has been harsh on me and doesn't really love me we had some lovely, close and intimate times together and it's those that play in my mind. Trying to reconcile whether they meant anything to her or was she just pretending. She seems to have cut me off and, I assume from fact she started online dating so soon, moved on. It's hard to think a two year relationship may have meant nothing to her at all.
It's tough.

I suppose I'm also asking is it normal to think like this? I feel stuck.

I could have written your post mate. The good ladies of this board helped me when I was dumped at the start of January ...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1670662-Help-desperately-need-a-girls-input-please

Its sooo hard when you have been treated like this, however, you must try and get her out of your mind. I finally deleted all pictures of us together from my phone, all the text messages and emails we had together. It took me 3 weeks to do it, but it felt very cathartic. You need to convince yourself what everyone else knows... that its over and this woman was a bullet dodged.

I still think about my ex every hour of every day and there is so much I want to tell her, but I've kept it in as I know deep down even if I send it it wont do me any good in the long run.

Theres a good phrase that was doing the rounds on FB a while ago :-

You can spend, minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened - or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

Quite apt I think.

Have you any hobbies you can throw yourself into... I found cycling and running have helped me immensly. Also, talking to a few of my real life women friends about the break up helped me too. Us blokes are pretty hopeless really supporting each other.

There is no quick fix mate. Just keep on keeping on and it will get easier.

Thanks for the advice. Your's sounds as cold as my ending was. To be honest I think it's time I simply manned up and got on with it. A lightbulb went off earlier when I was writing that post and I thought 'what the hell am i doing writing about this on a public forum'. I know I just have to suck it up and get on with it. I'll never contact her again, so at least I can hold my head high and know I didn't make a mug of myself.
Love is blind eh.

www.soyouvebeendumped.com/

Some helpful stuff there.

I think I may have checked that out before. To be honest I'm tired of reading stuff about people who have been dumped, and my own pathetic posts. It's so easy to just wallow in it. Though thanks for the link, I'm not being ungrateful.
I really have made myself sound a victim, and to be honest she'd ended it with me before so it was my bloody fault for taking her back.
Onwards and upwards.