Differing coping strategies in a relationship - how do you manage?

[SeratoninIsMyFriend]

It has become apparent that DH and I have wildly different responses to, and coping strategies for stress and emotions. He is non-analytical, confident and get on with it and don't dwell... Likes to go into his man cave a lot when stressed. I am super analytical, lacking in confidence, quite emotional and need a fair bit of reassurance and affection.

This has been an issue as we have had a turbulent married life, of deaths (his dad 2 weeks before our wedding, my mum 4 months after dc1 born), redundancy, both completing degrees at different times, job stress, and multiple jobs (him). Plus had never lived together before marriage in 2008, and the arrival of poor sleeper DC2 18 months ago.

Things can be great but when tired and stressed I feel he becomes curt, uncommunicative and wants his space. I am also tired and stressed so want to talk over things, or just talk rubbish, or feel loved and get affection. I keep feeling rejected and he says he cannot cope with all the demands on his energy.

We have decided to go for couples counselling tho I know he is sceptical as he feels there is no problem except tiredness and stress. I said we need to find tools to cope as a couple and find better ways of communication, as this is making me very unhappy. I don't think he means to be mean but it feels like he dismisses me when he says there is no problem.

Have any of you found ways of negotiating this sort of difference in marriage, what helped?

Nothing helped. My ex-H's response to stress was to disappear with a bottle of scotch so it didn't end well. Finding ways to communicate better is never a bad thing but I don't think you're going to change his fundamental approach to stress any more than yours is going to change. From your post it seems that what you're planning to do is to get him to talk more and not work out ways to leave him be and not take it so personally. If you crave reassurance and affection why not find others to provide the listening ear for the 'rubbish' you want to talk over? Isn't that what friends are for?

Serotonin - my reaction to stress is very like your DH. I just don't want to talk about it 95% of the time , particularly with someone who is going to keep going over it and talking about it, analysing it etc.

Thankfully DH and I manage well but it causes a problem with my mum as she 'needs' to talk and analyse and go over it all ten times. Whilst I try to understand, I really struggle to and certainly with her I feel she thinks her 'need' to talk about it outweighs my 'need' not to talk about it.

To be honest I'm not sure you can change either of your default settings but please ensure you try to understand his viewpoint as well as trying to get him to understand yours. That is your best hope, to compromise.

This sounds familiar. I would imagine it's quite a common situation with the man going into his cave but I may be wrong. Dh is the same - prefers to go away and be alone when stressed, and becomes uncommunicative and silent. I also would rather talk it through and just have a hug. Dh can't become affectionate on demand, especially when stressed.

I agree with Cogito - talk to a friend when your dh is in his cave, it's unlikely he can change his basic reactions when tired and stressed. Perhaps focus on reducing the stress-causing factors instead - each have more time to de-stress in your own way?

I appreciate the responses, and have wondered a lot if I'm being one-sided or selfish in my expectations; I know he thinks I am. I have tried over the last 6 months to take his approach more, but it just means I bottle things up and feel he doesn't care. I suppose I feel that by totally accepting him as he is, it is me that is compromising - can't he meet me half way and try to offer me some comfort? I honestly thought that was how marriage worked. Trouble is I had only a mum growing up, no male influence so am very unfamiliar with how men deal with things.

I have lots of friends but am not good at confiding in them, and the ones I am most likely to I seldom see or speak to. I have tried but it doesn't stop me feeling like DH doesn't care.

I don't want to talk over things all the time but to be able to come home and mention stuff about work would be good, but he doesn't like to. I feel like I live by his terms already but then he freaks when every few months I have a bit of a meltdown.

Sorry for rambling!

You have to be specific with him what 'comfort' looks like. Some people are 'fixers'... if they hear about a problem their instinct is to leave the emotions to one side and look for a fix They will give you options a), b) and c) and they will get annoyed if you don't take any of them up. They find the dwelling on the emotional side of a problem draining and pointless.

Some people are 'feelers'.... they prefer to articulate and rehearse the problem at length and they want others to understand their feelings and empathise more than they want solutions. They get annoyed if the other person is leaping in with 'do this', 'try that' or if they don't appear to appreciate the feelings. A feeler and a fixer presented with the same stressful situation will irritate the hell out of each other.

There is no monopoly on gender with either of these although I find women are more likely to be in the latter camp.

So if you need him to listen.... tell him. Very specifically 'I need you to listen to me, sympathise, empathise and give me reassurance. Do not tell me how to fix it'. But please do also find friends that approach problems the same way as you. Get out the and spill your guts. :)

100% agree. This represents me and dh perfectly, he a fixer, me a feeler. However much I tell dh I need sympathy or empathy, however, he tells me he just can't do it, so I have to try to 'get over it'! Not easy and I completely understand your feeling that you are doing all the compromising and this feels like he just doesn't care.

I actually discussed this with a counsellor a while back, including how to moderate my responses and stop things escalating into a dispute. I don't know if this feels relevant to you, but for me it is about 'self-soothing' rather than needing the reassurance/comfort from dh that he can't give me. Part of this is knowing how to calm down eg using relaxation techniques, going for a walk, having a long bath, having some time for yourself etc etc; also being consciously aware of triggers and trying to avoid these. You somehow need to consciously decide that dh is not needed to make you feel better (unless in your case you do find that he is able to provide the empathy you need) and that you can do this for yourself.

Sorry if this is not relevant!