Where do we go for help and advice - pregnancy & relationship related

[Sunshine200]

Hi
This isn't an easy subject and I'm hoping someone can point me in the right direction.
Our first dd wasnt easy, silent reflux etc and my husband didn't cope, don't know of he had depression as such but was going to work
at 5am, and coming back late as he couldn't deal with the crying. He got sooo angry and would just flip out. He knew he was leaving me to do everything which made him feel worse. Things have started to get better now, dd is 17 months and they have a bond, he looks forward to seeing her after work. Although he still can't deal with the crying and winging that she does, it just flips a switch.
We have just found out I am pregnant again (not planned). He never wanted another one, I did but had kind of accepted that we wouldn't try. He is concerned that if we have this baby our marriage may not survive due to all the stress, it was on the rocks at times with the first one.
Where do we go for support, preferably free support, for either anger management, or something else that would help us? I want this baby but I also want my marriage and husband's sanity. If I decide to go ahead with this he is willing to get help which is a great step.

Right, I read thsi several time. Lots of couples struggle when a baby comes along, particularly a more challenging one. So far, so normal. But the more I read your post, the more I see the red flags.

Honestly? The only solution to this is that he needs to man up. There is nothing wrong with you and the baby didn't put your marriage on the rocks, your H did.

Does he think mothers find it easy? MN is often full of posters who spend half their day crying because they find it so hard to deal with the sleep deprivation, endless crying and monotony of looking after a challenging baby. What they don't do is bugger off for 18 hours a day and leave it to someone else. What gave him the right to do that but not you? Why didn't he address it then? Why isn't he searching the internet looking for solutions? What makes it ok for him to express his anger and frustration by 'flipping out'? You don't have that luxury. Why is he basically threatening you with the end of your marriage if you don't have an abortion (which is what "our marriage may not survive the stress" basically translates as)

The problem here is him and he needs to find the solution himself, not make it your job to solve.

Sorry, that sounds really harsh and the harshness isn't directed at you, it's aimed at your H. I bet you do more than your fair share of the housework too and that he is very particular about certain things and that he is quite controlling about money.

Have a chat with WOmen's Aid. Your H is a prick - unfortunately a lot of men show their true prick colours when the first baby arrives, and it really is better to put such a man out of the house sooner rather than later.

Thanks Dahlen, you make some good points. It's good to see it from someone else's point of view. And yes, I had thought of the 'man up' comment myself plenty of times before this situation occurred! And you are right that finding the solution should be a joint effort. I just hope we can do it.

There's too much 'we' in your post and not enough anger. He needs to get help by finding it for himself like a proper grown up. And you need to figure out why you're not angry with him and why you're still trying to fix this for him. You misunderstood Dahlen. she didn't say finding a solution should be a joint effort, she said the opposite. It matters that he takes responsibility for himself. He doesn't have an anger management problem or a special screaming baby phobia, he has a sense of entitlement and views it as your job to deal with the crap bits of parenting. That should make you angry. Once it does you'll know that you, at least, are getting somewhere.

Depression my a*

I would give him a choice and say if you want to be in this marriage then you sort yourself out pronto, start pulling your weight and behaving like a parent and a decent husband, and if you don't then I'll do it myself with a nice hefty maintenance cheque every month.

"He couldn't deal with the crying" for the few hours he was in the house each day?

What exactly did he do to help you deal with it?

What a self centred knob.