If DH and I don't improve our sex life I think it's over

[NeedYourHelpPlease]

I've NC for this as I feel so sensitive about it. I've posted on this board before and got amazing advice. After a one night 'fling' (no actual sex) with a colleague, which was the latest in a long line of male-attention-seeking behaviours over the years I posted a desperate plea and MNers really helped. I was advised to attend counselling and I have.

Essentially, my counseller thinks much of my behaviour stems from my DH. I am in no way seeking to blame him for what I did with my colleague which was a shocking breach of trust and I feel horribly guilty. But I do understand why I behave the way I do.

DH is very undemonstrative verbally, with 'you look nice' the only compliment I have ever had from him, and only when he knows I've made an effort (ie we are going out to dinner). I might be shallow, pathetic and needy but I would love more than that. I would love him to begin a text 'hello gorgeous' or say something truly heartfelt.

The main problem is that coupled with the above, we just don't have enough/any sex. We only do it when he is drunk . He is very cuddly and affectionate but it never goes further.

I know it's not right but I compare us/him to other bf's I've had previously (who were all over me all the time) and to the way men are portrayed (as horny buggers).

I've spoken to him a number of times about the above (without improvement despite reassurances) but I've hit a brick wall and am stuck as to how to proceed. Any suggestions? I love him and think he is the most utterly gorgeous creature ever put on this earth! He is my ideal man in every way except this and I'm feeling heartbroken.

I'm also, of course, desperately concerned that my bad behaviour of the past will repeat itself and everyone will end up heartbroken. I cannot bear the thought of him being hurt for even a second, but I can see a troubled path ahead if things don't improve.

[AnyFucker]

Look, move on

This loser will find some other rescuer to look after him

and you will get a life

win/win

[ManInBeige]

Move on.

Sex is fantastic. Start having some.

[ObscuredByClouds]

I agree with the above posters: you're in your 20s. Get out now. I was with a man who withheld sex and actually it's a form of control. God knows how I remained faithful. But after 11 years if marriage, 4 without sex and huge amounts of frustration on my part, I ended it despite having children together. I now have a husband who makes me feel wanted, desired and sexy. Don't waste the amount of time I did.

[ImperialBlether]

I'd cut my losses and go.

In my opinion your twenties are for either experimenting with different people or, if there's one person, he's so fantastic that you couldn't envisage being with anyone else.

I wouldn't go to a counsellor to find out why my partner didn't want to sleep with me. I'd just take it that he didn't and go elsewhere.

[NorthernLurker]

What's he doing when he comes to bed after you do? I agree with AF - he is in to porn isn't he?

[badinage]

Bollocks to having an affair on the side. For starters it's not bloody fair to use other people to prop up a relationship you want to stay in and the only men who would agree to that arrangement would either be dickheads after a shag with a safe married woman, or some poor sucker who'd lose his heart to you. And yes, you could have sex on the side with someone where you both knew the score, but that doesn't sound remotely like what you're after.

Agree with those who've queried whether he's a porn loser.

It's fine to leave a relationship where the sex is bad or non-existent. Really it is. Sex is important to most people, but for some reason women in particular feel ashamed that it's such a big deal.

If you love him and want to stay with him, that's fine as long as he agrees to work with you on this and for you to be honest with eachother. That means he tells you if he's using porn instead of having sex with you and you're honest about your ONS. As it is, it looks like you've both got secrets and can't communicate.

[MidnightMasquerader]

Oh goodness, this is such depressing reading. :(

I feel for both of you, but really, more for you. The solution is so blindingly obvious to those of us looking in from the outside. You're in your 20s, you're child-free and you're unhappy. It's such a no-brainer.

I can't believe you're seriously considering a lifetime of this.

Free both of yourselves up for people you're each better suited to. People you're properly compatible with. And the sooner, the better.

[Mosman]

If you were my sister/friend/daughter i'd be round there helping you pack, you will find a lovely man who doesn't need looking after and will want you as you want him.
God do not waste your youth on this man.

[Hyperballad]

I think Midnight is spot on, I wasted far to much of my twenties in the wrong relationships.

Don't be afraid of being single again, it really isn't that bad, and you will find someone so much better suited to you.

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

He may be gay-but-homophobic (men who have been raised in a bigoted culture often hate the fact that they are gay, and marry in order to convince themselves and others that they are heterosexual, but at the same time, feel little or no desire for their wives and therefore avoid sex).

^^ this exactly was my marriage. I was child free, in our 20s and nosedived as soon as we got engaged. Like the need to fake it vanished. Am now with someone who is a perfect match for me, desires me, makes me happy. Expecting our first baby any day now. Still only 28. Didn't want to waste my life!

I hung around long enough for serious psychological damage though- an old eating disorder resurfaced and all the health problems attached. Thank goodness it didn't effect my fertility, or that I stayed longer and totally broke my spirit.

Life is so so so short. You aren't happy, he is blaming you, you need to make yourself happy as no one else will.

[NeedYourHelpPlease]

Fuck deep down I think you are all right but the thought is completely terrifying. I am a complete coward! Maybe in the counselling room we will be able to have a safe and constructive discussion about it all since our communication at home is not working.

I'm not sure about porn - certainly not that I know about but he is a computer whizz so could easily have access to all sorts that I'd never be able to know about.