Struggling to cope, could do with some advice

[WithoutCaution]

Background

Its been around 3 months since we found out that DH has a daughter and after the initial shock everything seemed as fine as could realistically be expected. It also turns out that his ex is a thoughtless, self centered bitch, who has in effect dumped my DSD with us permanently after we met her twice! I mean who insists that their new partners wants (to not have DC) are greater than those of your child?

What a difficult situation for you all. I haven't been in the same so please feel free to ignore me.

Did your H get a DNA test done to confirm she was his? I missed it if you said she did.

Poor girl has basically been dumped with a strange man who 'never wanted her' according to her mum and abandoned. She sees your DS with a mum and dad who love him and care for him, so I can see why she can be a little nasty.

It is not acceptable.

You need some family counselling/third party intervention.

Your H needs to see that he cannot just let her carry on and get her own way. She needs to live by the same rules as the rest of the family or there is going to be resentment and it could break your family.

It needs to be done gently but firmly. If she lives in your house then I think you have a right to discipline. You and your H need to agree boundaries and need to present a united front. Otherwise life is going to be hell with her playing this off.

If your H refuses point blank to do this then you may have to reconsider your marriage, extreme as that sounds. Your son cannot be allowed to live with someone who is rough or is treated completely differently to him. That will damage him (as well as the girl).

Three months is very early days. Ask your H to go to some mediation/family counselling with you.

You also need to decide what happens if the mother gets dumped and wants her back!

Good luck!

I remember your original thread and posted on it then. I really feel for you. This is one of those cases where no one is at fault (save the XW) but someone is going to end up suffering. At the moment it looks like you.

The parenting side of things and equal treatment of all DC is something that can be worked on and improved. Your DH needs to understand that far from making life easier on your DSD if he relaxes the rules to begin with while she adjusts, he'll just make her feel unsettled as time goes on and the boundaries change. You need to sit down together and really, really talk this through until you're in complete agreement as to how you're going to handle things. Then involve your DSD and discuss it with her as well.

The animal/allergies side of things is far more difficult to deal with. As far as I can see, there are only two likely results: Either you learn to live without animals, or you and your DH separate so that you can. I can completely understand why neither of these would be acceptable to you. It's not as though you knew you had a DSD with allergy issues when you got together, and we're not just talking about a family pet here, we're talking about a whole way of life that you're being asked to change.

That said, the only alternative to those options is that DSD doesn't live with you. If it's not possible for her to go back to her mother (not that she sounds as though she should anyway, poor child) one alternative would be for DSD and your DH to live somewhere else temporarily while you throw everything you've got into seeing if you can gain enough control over her allergies to at least have some animals back with stringent cleaning routines. THere's no guarantee that will work, of course.

Please try not to fall into the trap of making your DH responsible for this situation. He isn't. He didn't know he had a DD, let alone one with allergies, when he met you. Whatever he does here he will fail someone - either his DSD or you and his DS. It's an awful situation for him to be in. It's not his fault anymore than it's yours or your DSDs. It's just a truly shitty situation and one that doesn't necessarily have a solution.

I think you have some hard thinking to do about whether your relationship is worth the sacrifice of your complete lifestyle, because in effect that's the decision you're going to have to make. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to choose of course, and you're only in this situation because of the selfish actions of your DSD's mother. But your DSDs allergies - which aren't her fault - have made it so that you do have to choose. I'm so, so sorry.

He did get a DNA test which confirmed that she is his DD, we didn't meet her until we were sure of that as we didn't want to build a relationship or cause DSD too much stress without being absolutely sure. It did take a fair bit of effort to get his Ex to agree to one though

Can her mum just take her back after she basically abandoned her?

Feeling powerless is never very nice. So far, however well-intentioned, everything has been imposed upon you and you've had very little say in the matter. So you're resentful because this is not what you signed up for and I can quite understand that. What you need to find are ways to feel more in control of your own life, even if that life is not quite the same as it was previously. A positive attitude will help you a lot.

I know a couple with three kids who, one day following a tragic suicide in the family, became parents to three more. Wasn't how they had their life mapped out either and it caused a lot of stress & upheaval but, like you, they really didn't have a choice.

People can get allergy shots btw.... :)

"Can her mum just take her back after she basically abandoned her?"

Is there any formal parenting agreement? Have you been to court to establish access?

"Is there any formal parenting agreement? Have you been to court to establish access?"

No, the Ex contacted us, DH got a DNA test, we met DSD twice then the Ex and her partner showed up with DSD and a few suitcases :( DSD hasn't had any contact with her mum since the end of November :(

Your H needs to get this all sorted on a legal level as soon as possible.

If he isn't on the birth certificate then I would guess he has no parental rights so she could turn up and just take her away and there would be nothing he could do to stop her?

Not having been in this sort of situation before we aren't sure how it all works. Never expected DSDs 'mum' to just up and leave her either

Then I think you should see a solicitor. The poor girl needs some continuity and reliability in her life and she must be feeling horribly insecure that if Mum can drop her off like a parcel one minute, there's nothing stopping this new family doing the exact same thing. I think you need, for her sake apart from anything else, to formalise the arrangement and make it permanent, legal and all the rest. How old is she again?

She's 8 will be 9 in April :(

Have you had no help whatsoever in establishing this relationship with the DSD - family counselling etc? From CAMHS? Because it sounds like you need it. To have a child you have had no relationship basically dropped into your life - maybe your GP could help set something up or her school, I presume she has had to change schools, lost her friends etc.

Have you considered asking for some family therapy via your GP? You are currently not unlike foster parents only you haven't had any training on how to deal with damaged children and behavioural problems. You need to be shown methods and techniques to parent her successfully... backing off or DH being defensive are not doing your DSD any favours and your DS needs to see that everyone in the family is held to the same standards or he will start to have difficulties.

From a legal standpoint - was your DH still married to the NSDEXW (and may I say, what an utter piece of scum this woman is?) when she was pregnant with DSD? If they were then I believe your DH automatically has PR.

A agree with other posters - this is obviously very very hard on all of you and on DSD who is only 8 and does not have the emotional maturity to express her feelings in an appropriate way. You most certainly need third party intervention to help you through this - her hurting her half brother is simply not acceptable and she needs hep with finding ways to deal with her emotions.

Pets - I don't know what to say here really; either you have to adjust, you have to leave or you have to send DSD back to her god awful witch of a mother. Which is the compromise you can live with?

So sorry you are going through this.

I hope you can sort this out with your H, he needs to be agreeable though or you will not get anywhere.

Can I say if you can't cope with all this, it is too much for you, or your DS is getting damaged and decide out is your only option that doesn't make you a bad person.

We've had no help since DH thinks we are doing fine and is ignoring the fact that we are anything but fine. He's going away on business for two weeks soon, in an ideal world I'd like to have a better relationship with DSD before he leaves

Yes she had to leave her friends, grandparents and school down south since we live very close to Scotland :(

Then I think you need to take a lead.... this is actually the positive thing you can do to feel more in control of your own life. See the GP, research family counselling/therapy, do the background work, and present it to your DH as 'this is what we need to do for this kid or we are going to struggle'.

I don't think it's acceptable that your DH is going off on business so soon after your DSD has come to live with you all. It's only been 3 months since you all found out she existed, less time that she's been living with you, and she is HIS daughter, not yours.

In your original thread back then you voiced concerns about your DH's commitment to his work and how that was effectively going to leave you to do everything with your DSD. That's not acceptable. Despite the financial consequences, he HAS to change his life to deal with this in the same way that you have had to change yours. It's simply not fair otherwise, and if he doesn't accept that you'll eventually resent him so much your marriage may fail anyway. Who will look after DSD then?

DH was never married to DSDs mum they just lived together as far as I'm aware so I guess this will limit his parental rights?

Would trying to do some family activities help her to feel happier with us or do we give her more space? Everything we try just seems to end in further upset. She really want to go back to her mum.

I could probably cope without the dogs but they have always been my go to for exercise, when I need a break and make me feel happier when DH is away on business. I haven't done any walking since we rehomed them and family and friends have started asking if I'm depressed - I don't think I am but then I've never been this stressed and emotionally drained before

I don't know if his going away is a good or bad thing.

It may give you time to bond a little.

On the other hand from an 8 year olds perspective in less that 12 weeks she has been abandoned by mum. Now she is being abandoned by sad and left with the bitch who made him move all the way to the other end of the country than her and the child he loved and stayed with rather than her!

I would by laying it on the table that if he dumps 100% of her care on you that includes discipline and he does not come back and rule the roost taking over after.

You are either good enough to do this or you are not. Not just when he needs you to do it but all the time.

Dad not sad

I think you need to circle the wagons here. You have a child living with you - you need to be able to take her to the GP and sort schools etc- how can you without PR?

You need counselling for her and possibly family counselling, and to see a solicitor to sort PR.

I really think you should get some help for this now as the ramifications further down the line could be quite depressing.

My Dsis effectively abandoned her DS with his father when he was 3, went to live with father and SM who neglected him quite badly (think head crawling with lice, buying sweets for her DDs in a shop and not buying him any ). When father's marriage broke down, he was "dumped" back on Dsis who had had no proper relationship with him as she had moved to other end of country to be with boyfriend . She really struggled with him and he struggled with all relationships (his father subsequently moved to Australia). She had an awful lot of intervention with CAMHS, school etc but he has severe mental health problems now, in supported accommodation etc all mainly due to his childhood and his lack of feeling wanted by anyone . My Dsis has since been diagnosed with quite severe bi polar which explains some of her actions and behaviours and both her and her DS have come to an understanding between them about what happened.

Maybe you can start with some one to one time with her if that is possible. Let her control what she wants to do, girls shopping, baking etc and go from there, but I really do think you will all need some professional help.

Good luck.

OK, so no, right now he does not have parental responsibility - you need to see a solicitor now to protect yourselves and this girl. As it stands the witch can just literally turn up at the doorstep and do a 180 on this situation.

Your DH and work - he can't just bury his head in the sand over this and expect you and his son to deal with it - that's beyond wrong. If he wants to take responsibility for DSD then he needs a wake up call. I agree with a previous poster - you need to take the reins here pertaining to getting the info together and presenting it to hubs.....if he still wants to keep his head in the sand then you are simply going to have to take steps to protect your child because it doesn't matter how shit of a time the poor girl is having or how guilty (and I suspect what this head burying is all about) you DH feels for not having been there to protect poor DD from the Wicked Witch, emotional/physical abuse in any form from one sibling to another is simply not on.

Oh and family activities etc is great but don't think you can fix this on your own. You can't!!!! She's had her head seriously screwed up and she needs help, you all need help/guidance/support - immediately - for her sake and for yours/your son's/DH's.