Really need some advice - MIL

[dontmixthecolours]

Sorry, this will probably be long, I don't really know where to start. Had a rocky relationship with MIL since DD1 was born 6 years ago. She's v self centered, has always favoured BIL's family, treats DH like a

She very much favours BIL1's family, babysits a lot, talks about his children constantly. She told DM when DD2 was born that she'd always do more for them because they only have 1 set of grandparents. So she's basically ignored DD2 from the start. We only live 10 minutes away but

Don't expect anything from her, accept that your relationship will be 'courteous' rather than 'chummy', don't spend more time with her than you have to and give your DM the role of #1 Granny. Your DDs will probably gravitate to one rather than the other. Kids aren't thick.

Obviously, any overt bad treatment, stamp on it right away. But otherwise just keep her on the margins.

Thanks, that's good advice. It keeps going round in my head. I feel sorry for DD2, she's such a funny, loving girl and I hate that they ignore her. Still you're right, I need to accept it and move on

Argh, half my post disappeared! She phoned yesterday to say she missed DDs and then said 'well just DD1'. I'm mad and was so shocked I didn't say anything.

Don't let her get to you. Pick your battles. I can never tell if this kind of person is a) thick or b) deliberately being provocative to get some kind of attention. FWIW of my two late grannies, one was the normal type, sending birthday cards and attending school plays etc, I have her photo on the shelf and I miss her very much. The other was a pretty horrible woman who my DM sensibly kept at arms length & who never sent so much as a Christmas card. I didn't even go to her funeral.

Ultimately, your kids will decide who they love.

If you have someone who only wants a relationship with one child - and even then treat other grand children "better" then really you have no option but to ignore her.

I don't think your children or you get anything out of this relationship.

If hse goes on about how she prefers one set of grandchildren you can tell her "that's ok, we don't like you much".

She does it because it gets to you - and you let her. She is a bully, bullies get away with stuff becuase no one stands up to them.

Read the book "toxic inlaws" and find someone who does like your children.

She won't change.

My parents treat all of us the same.

DPs mother treats her 3 children very differently. At half terms etc she will always help out with sil or bils children. For example when dp asked last week if she'd like to see her gcs over this half term she said sorry full up with sil and bils kids.

Last half term he asked weeks in advance and she said 'sorry waiting to see whether I'm having bil and sils kids, because you know they always come and stay with granny in the holidays and I don't want to disappoint them'.

I have been with dp 15 years now and there is nothing I can do to change this woman. Its like we don't even matter. They come and stay with bil (15 miles from us) once a month but never even let us know they are coming down, and they visit sil (10 miles from us in other direction) every time they are down but don't call in on us and we live in between sil and bil!

I agree with poster above who said mil is a bully. Mine is too. After 10 years I thougth things were getting better between us but then she booked a holiday cottage, invited dp and the kids and said there was no room for me. Since then things have been civil on my part, with her STILL telling everyone how rude and cold I am.

Two things to remember though (I have sons and beleive in Karma). You canl learn from this how NOT to behave when you are a mil. and, she is is dps mother and the grandmother of my children. I can't interfere with that relationship, so when they visit I am civil, and I would never stop them from seeing the kids or have any fall-out with her which would make things difficult for dp.

It does help that he gets just as upset over it as I do - he says 'its them thats missing out on these lovely kids' and he is right.

Its shit isn't it? You grow up in a nice family where everyone is treated equally then fate catapults you into a family with 'favourites' and its no wonder we don't know how to deal with it.

Thanks for the advice, sometimes I feel like no one gets it. DH is really reluctant to have words with her because she cries and behaves like a child.

Thats awful flibberty and I can really identify with what you say about growing up in a 'normal' family and not understanding this behaviour.

Thanks too miggsie, I feel she is a bully and knows exactly what she's doing. I could go on all day about mean things she's done, always in a slightly underhand way so I wonder if I'm imagining it

I really really appreciate all your posts, I feel so much better for getting this off my chest

Keep away from her and if your husband wants to see her let him go on his own . It's not the preferring the BIL s family that would annoy me but the ignoring your younger daughter which is simply unacceptable. If she ever says anything like that again you should just tell her that neither of your children miss her ! I agree with the poster who said that ultimately your children will choose, my children are very close to my mum and see the Inlaws about twice a year , my children are older and make their own decisions about who they associate with.

It's that old adage...you can't change someone else's behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

I would just distance myself from her - assume that given she has made clear her priorities are elsewhere then accordingly so are yours. So whilst I would not be rude, I would not put myself out to include her or seek to rely on her in any way. I wouldn't call her with "news" or pop round to visit, however close she lived.

Given her attitude it's up to her to make the running should she choose (of course the irony here is her very flawed logic that BIL1's kids are "more important" as she is the only Granny, which in turn actually puts all her other grandchildren in the same position as she has abdicated herself from the role leaving them also with 1 set of grandparents - very clever).

Focus on the relationship your children have with your family instead. Make plans with then over the holidays. Include them in birthday celebrations, skype/call them with news from the kids.

The harsh truth is that the person missing out here is her. Your children won't miss a relationship with someone who is warped enough to "rank" her Grandchildren.