Issued an ultimatum - help!

[Anna1976]

Have been in & out of crap relationship for a while. We had been together since 2006 in work-crazy careers, moved overseas for a sabbattical to get to know each other, started arguing, separated last September, had got back to seeing each other over Christmas, thought things were back on track, we both wanted to make it work... and things fell apart slightly last week after an argument about him finding someone else's wife attractive because she is fit, confident, happy, proactive and accomplished....(she is very attractive, but this was as opposed to me).

This week I have been offered a job in France. Despite not wanting to leave, and despite not actually wanting the job in France, I said I am leaving, and if you want me to stay, here is what is going to have to change:

DP takes very little responsibility for stuff like housework, and is disengaged from me unless i push him into doing things (and yet, wants to be in a relationship with me).

DP's priority is work and his family, over all else. We do not take holidays together because he will not take leave other than to visit his family, who dislike me.

We are neither married nor in a legally recognised relationship, because he will not discuss things like being each other's next of kin, wills, etc. and keeps putting "if X then maybe next year" obstacles in the way of marriage. Most people we know have got together, got married, bought houses and had one or more children (some of whom are now up to starting school), since we have been together. I am not throwing away my financial autonomy (as well as a job offer) if we cannot sort this out.

I have heard nothing from him since this morning. Normally we would be in contact a lot through the day.

[riveroise]

I think Deckswabber has hit the nail on the head re his reasoning.

[Lueji]

There you go.
I think what made you apply is the same reason you posted here.

And the Universe is telling you to leave. :)


PS - you applied in your field and you worked with them. They know you and like you. You had every chance. :o

[meddie]

You issued an ultimatum, unless you want to be treated like this for the foreseeable future then you need to carry that ultimatum out.
As for his lack of commitment, what Deckswabber said.
Honestly though would you want to commit to someone who treats you like he currently does? Marriage will not suddenly make it all better.

[jynier]

OP How are you doing? Best wishes

[AnuvvaMuvva]

He doesn't love you.

Next!

[Startail]

Seriously, you don't have a relationship to leave.

He doesn't want to share his life with you, make any commitment to you, why are you wasting your time with him?

[ImperialBlether]

I'd go anyway. I'd call it a day. I don't know why so many women at the peak of their lives are waiting for decisions from utter knobs about what they should do.

Tell him, pack and go. You can bet he'll be all over you then, so just anticipate that and go anyway. Count yourself lucky you've the chance to work somewhere lovely and start again.

[Anna1976]

Yep - am going. The job doesn't start for a bit. Trying to discuss things as much as possible in the meantime, so that I leave feeling that i have done what I can to improve this relationship (and if he doesn't want to join in then that's really his decision). Nearly 7 years is a lot to leave behind, so I don't feel it's right to just flip him the bird and walk out, though I do wholeheartedly understand the sentiment

[Startail]

Seriously, once a long long time ago, I had two DFs who had had DPs for 8 years each.

In the weeks following DH and me getting married, couple one got married and are still married with two DCs and couple two split up. DF(2) met someone else soon after and also has two DCs.

I've always wonder if, Star, who never had a boyfriend, finding and marrying someone within two years made them to think it was time to take stock. I've never dared ask.

However, we were all relatively young, I got married at 22, the long term DPs were DPs from when they were 16.

They had fallen into a familiar routine of seeing each other at weekends while living at home and doing quiet admin jobs.

I suspect you are older, and have seen way more of the world, you honestly shouldn't be wasting your time on a 'D'P who doesn't behave as if he even loves you. You deserve better.

[cerealqueen]

Go and have an amazing adventure in France. There is no future with this man.

[jynier]

Anna1976 - Am so sorry. Know how you feel! Try and rise above it (I know it's easier said than done)! Best wishes

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Good for you. I know 7 years is a lot to walk away from but 10 years is a lot to waste IYSWIM. He isn't going to change. If he does it will not be because you did the same things over and over. Have fun in France. Eat cheese. Drink wine.