When will I feel better?

[Datingagain]

Just feeling really shitty and wondering whether I'll ever be really happy again.

Please excuse the self indulgence.

Have 3 year old DS. His Dad and I split 2 years ago after really crappy few years. He walked out when I was pregnant, proceeded to have many, many EAs, and actual affairs. We split / got back together so many times. I tried and tried, but he still wasn't sure about our relationship, so I walked.

Then, this time last year, I met a new man. He was great, we had a really lovely time together, there were question marks over a shared future, due to us living in different towns, but nothing that I didn't think we could get over. Had lovely Christmas / NYE together etc, then a week later, out of the blue, he dumped me - over the phone, in two sentences.

I was Ok at the time, but now feel totally thrown.

It has brought up all sorts of feelings I had (still have?) for DS's Dad - I really feel that I still love him and can't get over him. Despite the fact that he treated me like shit. Was I too hasty to walk? He's also now met someone new and they're jetting off on holiday together today, which doesn't help.

And also, I really miss new man and all he was and meant to me. However, I am also really pissed off / sad at how he finished with me - it was really cold and clinical, and that has made me question my judgement all over again too. I thought he was different.

I just feel so confused and sad. And like I'm going mad. Is it possible to have feelings for two (questionable) men at once?

Was new man just masking underlying feelings for DS's Dad? Who knows. And why on EARTH am I not able to just accept that the past is the past and that I need to move the fuck on?

Gah. Thanks for reading. And apologies to those with real problems. This all feels very navel-gazing.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that I am very lucky, but this just isn't how I thought my life would be at my age. And I don't like it much.

Hiya, did you post about this before? Think I remember...

I haven't got much advice but I really do know how you feel. I've got a little ds, split from his 'd'f who treated me badly, met a new man I thought was nice who I then had an on off 4 year relationship with which ended around NY.

And now I too am questioning my judgement, also ex played a lot of games, and feelings for and about my ex are resurfacing and am also having really vivid dreams.

Your break up is still really recent, January is a really horrible month at the best of times, and if he ended things without warning and in a cold way you're bound to have questions.

I read a book called 'Getting past your breakup' which helped me to understand why we feel the way we do when we breakup.

I feel the same, I'm close to 30 and always thought I'd be happily married by now, don't know where I'm going wrong, but I think to just be kind to yourself and try to appreciate the small things while you're on the way to feeling better.

Oh and you will be happy again, because time is a great healer, and I don't think that you really do love or want your ex back. You're probably just a bit confused about it all and wondering what direction you're going in.

Am sorry to read you're feeling this way.

For what it's worth, I feel the same! Agree with OP about January been really rough.

When you see all these things that being back feelings, memories, hurt- such as the holiday with new gf- remember what it's really like, and what was like for you. And why you're not together. We only show the outside world what we want them to see. As hard as it is, and as rose coloured as you're making it, you truly are better of out.

Try and be gracious. Am trying too. There's a whole world out there!

Thanks for replying Sparkly, yes I remember your thread too - I know you've been having a shitty time too.

I did post about the split(s) at the time(s). At the beginning of January, I was feeling very "go-girl" about the whole thing. And that I'd be fine on my own. Which I am, and which I know I can be. But I think it's these feelings for Ex-Ex (DS's Dad) which have really thrown me.

I am nearly 40 (GULP) and just didn't imagine I'd be on my own. I've never been someone who needed a partner, it would just be really nice to have someone.

And I just feel like such a failure. My parents have been over this weekend, to help me around the house. And they've just left under a cloud, as my Dad and I had a huge row about some brackets he'd put up for me.

I feel like a 15 year old again. Insecure, unhappy and pissed off at how things are. What a sorry, pathetic state.

But yes, you're totally right re appreciating what we have. I will try and find that book. Just feeling like wallowing right now. Will get over it though. Hope you are OK?

DAx

Thanks Chaos - sorry you're feeling shitty too.

I know you're right. And I know (in my head) that splitting (with DS's Dad at least) was the right thing to do.

But all my heart seems to remember is the good stuff. I think it's the person I thought he was that I seem to be mourning (if that's not too strong a word) and the life I thought we would have.

I really, really loved him at the time. And despite now knowing that he was knobbing around, pretty much from the off, it does not stop me from still wishing "what if". Which makes me a pretty pathetic specimen in my book.

Glass of time I think. Though that will only make me feel like more of a loser too.

Woe is bloody me. I need to snap out of this.

I hope you don't think I'm too much of a drama queen, I'm actually quite normal just seem to choose the wrong men...

Oh nothing worse than rowing with family/friends when you're already feeling crap, can you ring and clear the air? Even if it wasn't your fault might make you feel better. I hate having to ask for help with DIY but I'm useless at it, it's one of the things on my list to do, take DIY classes.

DM also invites me round for Sunday dinner each week and makes me special favourite foods & puddings, which is lovely, but I feel like such a loser as normally I'd be making something for the 3 of us.

I think the book helped in a lot of ways in terms of normalising how we feel, it also explained the process of grief. The reasons why we feel all strong for the first couple of weeks, then once the drama settle down the realisation hits that they are gone and you start pining for them. It also encourages you to face up to past relationships and all sorts. Self help books are not for everyone, never thought I'd read one, but it did help even if just a little.

I think society places a lot of pressure particuarly on women to be in a relationship/married. My sister will soon be trying to set me up with every blokes she knows when all I really want is time on my own!

Have you got anything nice planned? Was it you who booked a trip to Italy or was that a different thread? I'm now focusing on decorating ds room, planning his birthday party, and the Summer. Always good to have things to look forward to however small.

DA, reading your last post was like reading my own thoughts

I completely understand re the mourning. Unfortunately not a lot of other people will! In some ways that will be a good thing. It forces you out of the misery.

You said he did the dirty, you deserve more than this. There's nothing decent about a man who doesn't respect you; never did, never will. You know it's the truth!

I suppose we both have a choice- wallow or move on. I have days of ups and downs, and it's normal. Don't punish yourself . Ex ex was horrid for doing that to you, and ex was a coward who let you down. Don't let them again.

I know that both you and I need to snap out, but we have to acknowledge that it's not easy, try not to punish yourself

I completely understand re the mourning. Unfortunately not a lot of other people will! In some ways that will be a good thing. It forces you out of the misery.

I think people do understand, I think most people grieve unless they iether had someone else lined up, or they'd just fell out of love. But it's not something people always like to talk about, we like to pretend we've just dusted ourselves off and are ok, be all dignified.

I'm no expert either but I'm not sure you can ever just snap out of it, I think you have to just accept it's going to take time and find a balance somewhere between sinking into depression and acting as though everythings ok. I think.

It's just horrible isn't it because you have days when you think you're fine and then days when you feel as though it's the end of the world.

Just hope we can sort out our dickhead radar for next time!

Thanks you two. No, sadly it wasn't me off to Italy Sparkly, wish it was...

I know what you mean re parents just wanting to spoil you, but actually it makes me feel even more crap and as if I'm even more of a failure in their eyes.

I will def look up that book and see if it helps. Thanks x

Chaos, sorry to hear that you're feeling the same way. It's such bullshit, if any of my friends had been treated as I have by my Ex, I'd have no problem in telling them they were well shot of him etc etc. But I just seem to have a real mental block about him. And despite all the utter shit he put me through, the sad truth is, I'd take him back in an instant (though would hate myself for doing it.)

Also, really weird thing is, that I really do think that the more recent Ex and I were far, far better suited than DS's Dad and me. And yet, despite the fact that I do miss seeing him, I don't seem to have the same mental block with him that I do with DS's Dad.

Maybe just because we were together longer and (obvs) share a child. It's odd, even when we were together (DS's Dad and I) the pattern was always the same: When together, we just got on each others' tits, when apart (he worked away a lot), I missed him like crazy.

Whereas, with more recent Ex, didn't miss him (much) when apart, but when we were together, we always had the best time and I loved every minute. What on earth does that mean?

But really, despite this post, I am just so bloody bored of analysing it all and spending so much time thinking about it all.

I just want quiet. And normal. And a takeaway snuggling up on the sofa with someone. And buying pants for someone in M and S with no drama.

SIGH

Oh and no, don't think you're a drama queen Sparkly, just same as all of us, who manage to chose badly I guess....x