Worried about parents but feel like there's nothing I can do to help.

[Milkandlotsandlotsofwine]

Just hoping that I can find some support here regarding some issues with my parents. Or at the very least be reassured that I'm not the only person feeling like this.

They are both 63 and have been married since they were 21. My mother retired years ago but my dad still works away from home. He hates his job and never fails to remind me of the fact every time I see him. I live away from home in London (they are in the North East) My brother lives 5 minutes away from them and is 3 years older than me at 37. He has suffered from mental illlness for years now and has pretty much never grown up and acts like a teenager. So he's really of no practical or emotional support to me at all.

Basically every time I go home to visit my parents seem to be more and more unhappy. They endlessly bicker and argue. Quite frankly my mother speaks to my father like he is something she has just scraped off her shoe! Whenever I try to talk to her about why she is so mad at him all the time she just says that "You don't know what he's done to me in the past. It's too late to change things now" Added to this, my fathers best friend is seriously ill and there's a good chance that he won't pull through. I'm worried sick about how he will cope if his friend dies. To the point where it is keeping me awake at night. I also feel guilty that I have never married and given them grandchildren. The likelihood of that happening seems to get more and more remote with every passing year (I'm 34 and not in a serious relationship) I feel terrible that they might never get to be grandparents. The chances of my brother producing children is pretty much less than zero.

I don't even know what I want anyone to say to be honest. Most of my friends here in London are on their twenties and can't really relate to how I'm feeling. I want to try and support my parents but I feel as if their lives are just getting sadder and sadder with every year that passes.

It might sound harsh but you need to find a way to let go. Your parents are grown adults and while it's lovely that you worry about them it seems to me that you feel far too responsible for their happiness. It must be tough to see them struggling but they need to sort it out themselves and you need to get on with your own life. If they're not willing to do anything to change things then your hands are tied.

Do they give you much support in your life?

Your parents get what they want out of and from their relationship; there is nothing you can do in any way to intervene besides which they won't thank you for doing so.

It is not your fault they are this way, they have done that to themselves.

Cailin is right. My patents are similar. Always arguing, seem to hate each other. Hints there are things I don't know about that justifies certain behaviours. When in fact its unlikely there is stuff I don't know about as they never tried to protect us from the arguing and never held back.

I couldn't imagine thinking about dh in the way my parents speak to each other.

Anyway cailin is right. You can't fix them. Its not your job nor is it something you have the ability to do. Like me, you feel you need to do something because they have quite openly involved you in their misery.

Trust me you will be happier when you accept that the only people who can make them happy, is them.

Yes I know you are right CailinDana That is just what my flatmate was saying to me last night. I'm a born worrier though and I just find it so hard to stop fretting about what is going to happen to them.

They are supportive up to a point but I live a long way away so I'm not really around on a day to day basis. I've always felt a little bit left out as the focus has always been on my brother being ill. I self harmed for years but I hid it as best I could so it was never addressed. I also suffer from depression but it's never really addressed. I've always been regarded as the 'normal one' (a terrible expression but you know what I mean)

Thank you for your kind words. They are much appreciated.

Oh lovely xxxx
No real advice, guessing girlie weekends with your mum visiting and you visiting her when your dads away?
I think it's hard if you live near or far, lots of guilt / resentment.
If you move back its likely you'll end up 'looking after' everyone. Which might not be best for you. But also you need to have a content and happy heart that you've done all you can / should for them.

Attilia I know you are right but I always feel that mine and my brother problems have contributed to their current unhappiness. I feel like I haven't been a very good daughter to them.

can'tbelieve My mother doesn't really go for the whole girlie thing. We never go shopping together etc. She just wouldn't suggest it. We only ever do things as a family when I initiate it.

I guessed that you've been relied upon to be the "normal one." You're playing a very common role in dysfunctional families - the go-to person who is expected to keep everyone on track and bear the burden of all the wrongs in the family.

You have every right to expect your voice to be heard just as strongly as everyone else's - there is absolutely no reason for your problems (and they were very serious ones) to take a back seat to your brother's ill health or your parents' bad relationship. Yet you have accepted, through long experience, that you are not going to be listened to and instead you've gone to the other extreme, putting your own happiness last and trying to make others happy, to the extent where you want children, not for your own sake, but to make your parents happy. That's not healthy. Somewhere deep down I'm guessing you believe that if you could only do things "right" - repair your parents' relationship, make your brother well, give grandchildren - you would suddenly start to be recognised and loved and your voice would finally be heard. Believe me, no matter what you do that's never ever going to happen.

For your own sake you really need to let go of the role you've been pushed into, it's incredibly destructive. It is currently holding back your life in a major way - in the past it has caused you to self harm and become depressed. Now is the time to address it and move on. Would you consider having some counselling?

Calin There is a lot of truth in what you say. I never really think of my family as being dysfunctional. Or, if I do, I then stop thinking it as I feel really guilty for having such thoughts.

It's difficult because it's not that I don't 'get on' with my parents iykwim? I can talk to my mam about my problems and I genuinely do love both my parents. My mother says they couldn't help me when I was a teenager because I was too distant and just got angry. Well, yes I did but only because I was in such terrible emotional pain? Surely that isn't a valid excuse for a parent to give?

I am considering counselling but I'm wary as in the past I've gone and it hasn't really worked for me. I really do need to talk to someone though. My depression is really bad at the moment. To the point where I'm starting to feel that life really isn't worth living. I find it very scary to feel like I do. I really don't want to end up as unhappy as my parents seem.

I feel so very sad to hear this. Far from you having contributed to your parents unhappiness, I would say it`s been the other way round. The self harming, low self esteem, depression are all classic examples of the insecurities you felt.

Your parents, for reasons best known to them, have decided to stay in this miserable marriage. They are both young enough to make changes. Obviously thats not what they want. <strong>YOU</strong> are <strong>NOT</strong> responsible for how they choose to live their lives. Its not your responsibility to have children in the hope it will make them happy. You need to start doing what makes you happy. Perhaps seek some counselling.

Its time to accept that, in some strange way, they are comfortable, and familiar, with how things are, otherwise they would set about changing it. Its also time for you to start living your life to the full. Be there if they need you, visit when you want to, but.......enjoy your own life, forst and foremost!

Sorry to hear your depression is bad, I've been there and it's just awful.

In fact my situation was somewhat similar to yours, in the sense that my parents always kowtowed to my older sister (who is the very definition of self centred) and have always ignored or dismissed my problems. The only thing that helped me was to get away from them, both physically and mentally. It dawned on me that I was running myself ragged trying to get their attention, trying to get them to love me and actually behave like parents towards me, and it just wasn't happening.

We are still in contact, but I only see them a few times a year. Since I let go of the role I'd been playing my life has improved beyond recognition. My mother actually behaves far better towards me - now that I'm not at her beck and call she actually realises what a good daughter I've been. My father has just checked out.

Counselling is a tough process, and you must find the right person to talk to. I do really recommend it though. If you find someone, try it for a few weeks and don't feel any benefit, it's best to move on and find someone else until you click.

Are you on anti-depressants?

Autumn I agree with you that they must be comfortable on some level with the way things are. In fact last time I was home I told my mother that a lot of the time her and dad seem to hate each other & she looked genuinely shocked!

I just can't get my head around people willingly deciding to live such a seemingly unhappy life. My mother just says it's "Too late to change" the way they behave towards each other. Which to me seems unbearably tragic.

Cailin It is awful feeling you are in 'competition' with a sibling isn't it? In my case I honestly feel my brother has been enabled by my mother to think of himself as being really ill. I get bloody sick hearing about how ill he is sometimes!

I am on anti-depressants and have been since my LTR ended a year ago. I rely on them to sleep as otherwise I have appalling insommnia. I think they do work in general. At the moment I think I'm sad in reaction to the fact that all my friends/family seem to be going through really tough times.

I'm glad to hear things have gotten better for you. Perhaps it is just a case of stepping back and letting people get on with their own lives. No matter how difficult that may seem.

Milk I can totally sympathise with you. Obviously your life circumstances are not exactly like mine but the worry and problems you have with your parents relationship are very like mine. I find that I discuss it all at this moment due to a bereavement but will look out for your thread. Trust me though, you are not alone in this problem. Take care.