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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed.

9 replies

SleepyDeer · 29/01/2013 13:27

I'm 18, my boyfriend is 25.

We've been together for nearly a year and a half, my first serious relationship.. but he's been engaged before which doesnt bother me.

This girl kept looking down at me and oneday I saw her talking to my bf. I asked him who it was he said just a girl I used to like but we never did anything about it not even kiss. This was at the begining.

Then last month i found out he lyed and that girl was his fiancee who he was with for 2&a half years.

We lost our little boy lasr year so its hard to get over he lyed especially when she hit me in the stomach dont know whether it was intentional when I was around 12 weeks.

He's now really on edge... waht do I do?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/01/2013 13:39

Don't stay with a liar. They never lie about just one thing, it tends to be their go-to method for anything awkward. You never know where you are with them, you can't trust them and they will always let you down. I don't understand why he was talking to this person after she'd assaulted you. Stay away from the ex-fiancee and kick your liar into touch. You can do a lot better.

Original poster

SleepyDeer · 29/01/2013 14:18

Sorry he told me he didn't have anything to do with her than she did that a couple if weeks later. She didn't know me until she saw me get into his van then it all started so I guess she was abit jealous. He treats me really well and has looked after me the past 10 months as ive been ill. I know he wont cheat, he lyed that was wrong but cheating is a new level. I never see her she lives an hour away..

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/01/2013 14:27

You really don't know he won't cheat. You do know that he lies, though, and you have to tell him straight that lying is unacceptable. What would have been the problem if he'd said 'yes I know her & we used to be engaged'? All that rubbish about 'never did anything about it, not even kiss'.... that's a man who can make up a nice long story on the spot and that should make you suspicious

I'm glad he treats you well but please keep your eyes and ears wide open. Liars are often very nice people but they will let you down every time.

Original poster

SleepyDeer · 29/01/2013 14:54

He's very close to my family and my brother is like his best friend.

I never thought of it that he made it up so quickly, but it has made me suspicious. I've told him straight, one more little lie and I'm gone and I mean that. So he knows, going to talk to him later, any ideas on what i should say?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/01/2013 15:13

This is about you rather than him or your brother or anyone else. It's about expecting others to treat you with respect and about having high personal standards for yourself. If at any level you do not think you deserve to be with a man who is truthful, reliable and honest then you should step away from relationships for a while, learn to be more independent and work on your self-esteem. Because men - especially those who are a lot older - will take advantage of someone who gives them the benefit of the doubt.

So when you talk, you set the expectations really high. Truth, honesty, openness as standard and if you find he slips from that you will not be making allowances.... doesn't matter who's friend he is. Please don't bring children into the picture until you are a lot more certain of his character.

Original poster

SleepyDeer · 29/01/2013 15:19

I've already told him I don't want a child or a proposal until we are stable. I know its about me and he knows if we broke up that he can still see my family as he's the main man figure to my younger siblings.

I do think I should be with someone trustworthy but I want to atleast attempt to make this relationship go back to how it was before taking a break up into consideration.

OP posts:

nefertarii · 29/01/2013 15:23

haven't you posted about this before?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/01/2013 15:29

I'm very worried that you got together with this man when you were just 16 (?) and he was 23 and that your reasons for being with him seem to have more to do with his friendship with your brother and his father figure status with your siblings. You sound like you feel obliged to stay with him against your better judgement. Add in the lies about his violent ex fiancee and the whole set-up doesn't sound healthy at all.

BelaLugosisShed · 29/01/2013 15:33

Oh dear, if you were my daughter I would want to shake some sense into you.
Liars do not make good partners, ever.
There are lots of men who will treat you well and do not lie.
Being treated well is the absolute minimum requirement in a relationship, you need to have much higher standards and not rush into cohabiting and babies.

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