DP's special friend commited suicide

[Orchidlady]

I have a thread running at the moment about our rubbish relationship, after reading some responses I am really beginning to think all is related to his MH issues. DP has recently announced he is devastated about the suicide of his very special friend. The only problem is I did not realise she was special or even friend, apparently he was talking/confiding to her, having lunches, writing to each other. As much as it is horrible she has killed herself, I just wonder why he has suddenly decided to tell me all this. He said it was because I would not like it. A few years ago he left me and was going to move in with her and husband but we patched things up. As far as I knew at the time he saw her in a medical capacity ( don't want to say too much) and they got chatting and she offered him a room. I thought it inappropriate and was uncomfortable ( I had to change practice) and asked him to do the same. I I just knew there was more to it but just let it go.. I just don't know what to think. I feel deceived. He swears blind it was nothing sexual, she was a bit older. Something just does not sit right, or am I overthinking this because things are so shit now.

"As much as it is horrible she has killed herself, I just wonder why he has suddenly decided to tell me all this"

Does he spend much time talking about his MH issues with you? Does he use them as a rationale for a rubbish relationship? Is he, in other words, trying to evoke sympathy from you with this tragic incident as the latest narrative development? He'd have to be very heartless to bring up a suicide of someone as a way of making you feel insecure about the relationship... Is he worth the bother?

cog as always insighful. He does spend quite a bit of time talking about his MH issues, usually alcohol fueled. A death sends him in to a tail spin
Hey I do actually think he is overplaying his relationship with her, not really sure why someone would do this.

After listening him for over an hour, I really had enough. Sorry I do not mean to sound heartless.

I don't think you sound heartless. Wasted a big chunk of my life once listening to the various woes of a man that was very fond of alcohol, probably depressive & thinking it was my job to soothe his fevered brow. But it was all very calculating... attention-seeking I think. If things were going reasonably well - on holiday, for example - he could drag up any old past misery to get him nicely melancholic again. I eventually realised a) he prefered being miserable, b) it was dragging me down and c) I didn't care any more...

If she was a therapist/counsellor isn't it fairly well established there's a risk of transference?

But a professional should have known how to deal with it...

But anyway, she's gone.

Hmm. Def sounds (I conjunction with your other thread) that he is trying to push you away. Have you discussed any more about him moving out? Perhaps he is looking for you to let him stay as you feel sorry. (Though I'd be even more likely to kick him out if I were you)

How are finances handled in your house? Can you afford a bedsit/ a room in a shared house for him while you stay in your home with children?

In short term I still reckon couples counselling is needed so you can get a professional and unbiased opinion on what is going on here.

thing is...and it takes a huge step to do this...but right now and in the past it has always been about him. his issues; his MH; his friend; his this; him that...

leave him aside.
go see a counsellor for you

work out what you want

life with this man will always be a series of dramas.

you need to free yourself of him - even if you stay together you need to become an individual with wants and needs too.

i dont agree you need couples counselling - i think he needs his own and you need your own.
then see where you are

start writing/thinking "I need..."
"I want..."
"I would like to see myself xxxxx in five years time..."

.

Hello Cest I think you may remember me. I think you are right I do need to start putting my emotional needs first. I have actually done 1 to 1 counselling in the past but found it extremely uncomfortable if I am honest. I find it hard to trust anyone. I know I deserve better, have even told him this and actually agrees. Still can't seem to take that step.

Interesting not one person has suggested anything was going on with this woman.

onemorechap she most certainly not a therapist or anything like that ( although she seems like to discuss inapproriate things during professional working sessions)

I think he wants you to think something went on with the woman or he wouldn't have brought up all the new information. Whether it did or not is therefore rather immaterial. Do you actually care any more?

So what you're saying is that a few years ago he was going to leave you and live with her and at the time was making out that their relationship was purely professional? But you've since found out that it was intimate and emotional and that they met up regularly in a non-professional capacity?

Yes, I think there was an affair.

I wouldn't think it was the only one he'd had either, looking at your threads.

But that just seems one of a million reasons why you shouldn't be staying in a relationship with this man.

I often find that women will put up with all sorts of problems; substance addictions, physical and emotional abuse, no sex life, financial infidelity, terrible co-parenting etc. but it takes emotional or physical infidelity to finally press the point home that they should get out of the damaging relationship.

I don't pretend to support that because I think children are failed by parents whose personal egoes need to be dented before they will take action, but I'm always glad when that realisation happens because at least then they will act and remove their children from what can be a living hell.

I'm hoping therefore that this will be your wake-up call to get out. When you do, you will wonder why it took this to make you do it.