Feel uncomfortable with this and wonder if others would feel the same RE: ex and kids

[fluffygal]

We split up 4 and a half years ago and have always had an amicable relationship bar one recent argument regarding maintenance, and I am now not as chatty anymore. We are quite flexible with arrangements, we swap nights we have kids if we want to go out, etc. We have a DS who has just turned 7 and a DD who just turned 6. Ex currently lives with his dad who lives above a busy pub, his Dad runs it, and has the kids two nights a week 6pm-8am then Sunday day and night.

Now the other week, when he had the kids overnight, he posted on fb saying he was having a pint. I text him asking where the kids were and he didn't reply. He eventually told me they were upstairs in bed and he was downstairs in the pub. I told him I felt uncomfortable with this, as no one could hear them as pub is very noisy, has bands play regularly and DD can sleepwalk and had done the night before.There is a door from the pub to the flat which is not locked. It is next to the bar and although would be difficult, it wouldn't be impossible for someone to sneak up there. I hoped raising my concerns would mean he would not do it again.

So today the kids tell me that Dad went to football yesterday, and left them in the flat watching a DVD. No one was in the flat but were working downstairs. Would you feel uncomfortable with this? I really am not sure if I am overreacting (I am not pfb at all), I'm already annoyed that he was supposed to take DS to footy sat am for first time but didn't as it was too cold apparently, but he was able to play footy that day himself and yesterday. Not to mention its his only full day with them a week so I would hope he would actually want to spend time with them(I know there's nothing I can do to change that though!)

He can be very defensive so don't want to confront him about this if others feel there is no problem.

You are not over reacting OP, it is completely unacceptable. It seems like it's all quite quiet as long as you keep your mouth shut. You can't let this continue.

I don't like that either. It is not the same as leaving children upstairs in a house.

That door should definitely be security locked too.

House, pub, it doesn't matter. You cannot leave a six and seven year old alone without a responsible adult looking after them.

I would not be comfortable with this at all.

They are much too young and vulnerable to be left alone.

What if someone sneaked up there when it's very busy and noisy.

Think you need to do something about this for them as well as your own piece of mind.

Good luck

I worked as a nanny for a landlady because she wasn't comfortable with leaving her children upstairs alone.

I don't think I could do it and it's really something that you both need to sort out.

The concerns my boss had were not hearing the kids, someone sneaking up - looking for a safe etc- and also fire. The pub served food and the kitchen was on the middle floor with the flat on the top. If the kitchen had a fire, the kids would be upstairs alone. Does this pub serve food?

I hope you manage to sort it amicably.

Having once lived in a pub as a child, I would take issue with him leaving them to go to the football... It's too long a period of time at their age. You do need to check details though, were they being checked on frequently by someone who was working?
I would prefer there to be a lock on the pub side of the door, so that nobody could just walk through to the flat, no lock the other side so that the children can always come through. If he's having one pint when they are in bed, then I don't think that is such a big deal, as long as he is by that door the whole time. Maybe approach it initially by saying that if he is going to the football, he should ask to swap days first and then there isn't a child care issue?

It's not up to you to check out the specifics OP. They have told you he is leaving them alone for at least two hours. Have you considered ringing your local safeguarding team for advice?

I would be unhappy at this arrangement. There is nothing worse than feeling that your children are being cared for by someone who you don't feel is taking adequate care of their safety. I think you need a serious chat with him and say that this is not on - his contact time with his kids is so that he can spend time with them, and you expect that to be the case. That if he is going to leave them alone in the flat and bugger off to football then they will not be going again. (If you wanted to you could tell him that you'd checked anonymously with Social Services and they had told you that this was not acceptable).

To be honest, you have let him know where you stand regarding this OP, and he has taken no notice. In your shoes, I wouldn't send them again without seeking advice. If the children tell a teacher at school, it's possible that school will contact the Safeguarding team. It would be best if you had broached this yourself. Is there someone at school you could discuss this with, in terms of telling them what the children have said, and seeking guidance?

There is a kitchen but its on the ground floor at the back of the pub. I'm not sure about ringing safeguarding team, I am a 3rd year social work student so may ask advice on placement.

I am sure he asked someone to check on them regularly, but anything could happen in between checks, not to mention that person might forget or be too busy to get up and check for a while. I would still be concerned that DD might injure herself due to her sleepwalking or wake up just after the last check and be upset with no one to comfort her (she sometimes wakes up crying hysterically).

In fact I have just remembered he came to drop something off to me once when he had the kids and he had left them in the flat, when I questioned it he said his Dad's wife was checking on them. I was not very happy with this as a) she is an alcoholic so would likely forget to check up on them and b) there is DV between his dad and wife and I would prefer ex to be there in case anything ever kicked off. A couple of weekends ago she was found in a pool of blood (ex said the flat looked like a murder scene) where she had got so drunk and somehow injured herself.

See Delilah that's all he had to do, ask me. They were invited to my MiL's birthday meal sunday but I declined their invite as I don't like cutting into his time. If I had known they could have come with us instead. We have 3 other children in our house so its not like it cuts into any childfree time for us.

It sounds like a really good idea to discuss the whole situation in your placement, if that's more comfortable for you OP, if they are involved in/knowledgable about safeguarding. The wider context sounds really poor. You've tried to protect him. It's time to ensure they are protected. Will you be worried about the consequences?

Yanbu.

It's inappropriate to leave them unattended.
There's no need for him to be socialising - he is supposed to be having contact with his children. I also feel that now you're aware of this, you may be seen to be complicit.

It sounds like his contact should be shorter visits. If he's downstairs in the pub drinking, or out at football the children may as well be home. The business about someone else checking on them is bollocks. The children are there to see their father, not anyone else. If he can't or won't be responsible then surely the visits must be reviewed?

As someone who works with vulnerable children The fact that there is DV and an alcoholic living there as well is an added concern. If the children disclosed something at school they will be questioning you and phoning Social Services for advice. It's concerning that you are allowing your children to be put in potential danger.

I am not putting them in any danger, I don't leave them alone ever? Thanks for the blame though. I came on here to ask if I am overreacting. Now I know others would feel the same as me I will question it with him, last time he felt that he had adequately cared for them, I disagreed and expected him to take that on board.

I have one standard of care for my children and he has another, there are always comments on here about how its none of the mum's business what the Dad does with his time with the kids or who they spend time with. So I am cautious not to dictate to him. But leaving them alone is something I can't ignore. I have told him I don't like the kids staying there and keep asking when is he going to move but he says he can't afford to move, especially not now he pays £100 a month maintenance.

Also regarding his Dad's wife, she had moved out for quite a while but only recently moved back in, so hadn't been a concern for a while.

Hiya fluffygal , sorry if you felt blamed. 4lovely is correct to say that if it comes to light at school or elsewhere it could be considered that you did not act to protect them when you knew that they were being left without adult supervision. When he leaves them alone, he crosses the line. It's no longer about his standards - it's about their safety. So it definitely is your business. Did you have a chat about the situation where you are on placement yet?

Don't think I've seen the type of comment on here that you mention re it being 'none of the mum's business' what the dad chooses to do with the contact time. Any decent parent wants to be sure their dc are well cared for whoever they're with.

It goes without saying that such young children shouldn't be left alone for any length of time - it's pretty worrying that a future social worker seems uncertain about that.