Ugggh...looks like he was having an affair

[Penguinnose]

Hello, I wanted a bit of coping advice really from anyone who might have been through something similar.

In June I left my dh and went to live with my parents with two dcs. For months he had been ea. insulting me constantly and my family too, having violent outbursts, going out constantly and leaving me home with the then baby, he started arguments over nothing and really wore down my confidence so I felt I was a terrible wife. He threw us out repeatedly only to ask us to come back again. I was so confused and couldn't understand why he changed. I thought it must be me and dismissed any suggestions he might be seeing someone else.

The night before we finally left he went in a work night out and hot mortally drink and the next morning hurled snide at me and asked me to leave. So I did an we never went back.

That was in June and I'm now living in my own house with the dcs. He visits regularly/had kids and things are smoothish.

However, on Friday he announced he has started seeing a girl from work (in October apparently but he didn't want to say.) she is 18 and half his age. Stupidly I looked at her Facebook page and there are lots of pictures if them together starting the night before we left for good. It looks like he is lying through his teeth...again.

I don't know how to feel, I am happy without him and yet realising he betrayed me like that makes me feel stupid and angry and sick and surprisingly sad.

Thanks for reading...have any if you been there? How did you cope?

It looks like he is lying through his teeth...again

In that case, it shouldn't come as any shock to you that this habitual liar hasn't changed his spots and, while it's never pleasant to discover we've been taken for a ride - and more especially when it's one of many, in truth you should be celebrating that you're shot of him.

Stop looking for the 'mug' stamp on your forehead and recognise that, if he thinks he can sail blithely through life behaving like a shit to women, he's the mug - and it may just require an 18yo to take him for the ride he deserves to go on

The feelings you're experiencing are entirely natural and will soon pass. In the meantime, be glad that his attention is fixed elsewhere and that you're not in any danger of being set up by him again.

Btw, have you begun divorce proceedings? If not, and if you may be entitled to legal aid, get this under way sooner rather than later as the rules are changing at the end of March.

Not quite the same, but I found out about 18 months ago that my ea STBXH was Online dating. He said he wanted to 'save' the marriage, but managed to nicely sabotage the one Relate session we had... He is now semi-living with another woman, and they grin inanely at me sometimes from her FB profile pic, together. How sweet is that (dd is friends with her, and if you type anything into the search box, it comes up with mutual friends first). It is horrible, but to be honest nothing my STBXH does really suprises me, as he was incredibly nasty when we were together. Given that he was presumably at least semi-moderating his behaviour, he wasn't going to get any better when we weren't together, right? I have no doubt had he found someone daft enough to date him when we were together, he would have been off. He was just looking round from the comfort of the marital home. I found out from his computer history.
It remained horrible for a while. It's now starting to get better. And not being insulted, even subtly, on a daily basis is wonderful. It will get better for you too. BTW I don't think all in the garden is rosy with New Woman in my case. Hard to care very much!

Not quite the same h left me & dc a week before Christmas after announcing his affair (oh sorry it was not an affair he had just slept with her!!) been really tough but have started having more good days then bad.
Then stupidly tonight I looked at the girl I had suspected he was seeing Facebook page and like you loads of pictures of them together going back to before he said it had happened. She is also a lot younger than him and like you I feel stupid sick sad and angry. Sitting here now shaking. Wish I had never looked.

The shock of discovery of an affair always causes turmoil. You have moved on and are already building a life without him, so your admin path is clearer. And you know you are well rid.

But it's normal and natural to react like this when you discover the extent of a betrayal. It's normal to go back emotionally to step one. It's fine to feel a range of emotions, and to need time to let the shock subside.

At least you are away from him and on a course to a life in which you are free of him and his lies. This may stir you up, but it won't knock you off that course.

"I don't know how to feel, I am happy without him and yet realising he betrayed me like that makes me feel stupid and angry and sick and surprisingly sad. "

It's part of the way emotional abusers operate. They deliberately set things up so that you blame yourself for problems in the relationship rather than looking too closely at them. You say yourself that you thought you were a terrible wife. You will have spent sleepless nights wondering why he was behaving so badly. Expect you even went as far as to defend your decision to go back to him to others. It's always horrible to discover you've been betrayed but, when you've committed yourself to that extent, it is especially humiliating to know that you've been manipulated and conned.

What you are is a victim, unfortunately. Time to stop being so accommodating and charitable towards your ex.