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Original poster

Email from DP to his exDP - am I nuts to feel wobbly?

31 replies

UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 16:25

Hoping the answer's yes! Have nc'd for this but I'm a longtime poster.

Background: DP and I have been together 3 years, living together with my DD, his DD comes and visits every other weekend. He's on reasonably good terms with his ex; she and DSD (7) live in their former home, which DP owns, and because we live a little way away from them, when he looks after DSD one night in the week, he goes and stays over, and his exDP stays with her parents. I've met her, she's nice, and we've even taken the kids out on trips together as our DC wanted us to know each other.

So today, got home from work and turned on computer; DP had left his email open to an email to his exDP. I looked, know I shouldn't have Blush. It was about arrangements for the week, which day best for him to go round, him suggesting weds so he could put DSD to bed and then they could eat dinner together.

Now I obviously have NO problem at all with them eating dinner together, but he hasn't mentioned it to me, and I'm not sure why not. I'ts left me wondering whether they have dinner together every week and he just hasn't told me, even whether she stays there - my mind is running somewhat wild about it all.

He's given me NO other reason to believe that there's anything still going on with her, is extremely devoted to me and DD, and I think I'm probably just being paranoid, but I'm now going to have to raise it with him I think as I'll just wonder otherwise, and then I'll have to fess up about looking at his mail. Oh dear. Am I totally losing the plot? Confused

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 28/01/2013 16:28

Does his email actually say 'put her to bed and THEN eat dinner together'?

Because that is not them all eating dinner together.

Yes, I would have a problem with that.

Numberlock · 28/01/2013 16:31

You're not nuts, I couldn't have a relationship with someone who was still so heavily involved in his ex's life. And I speak as someone who has been (amicably) divorced for ten years with three teenage sons.

HyvaPaiva · 28/01/2013 16:32

If he, his ex, and their daughter were eating together it wouldn't be a problem.
Specifying that they will eat together after the child is put to bed is different. Do they have something significant to discuss about their child/out of the child's earshot? Maybe that explains it. Otherwise, it is suspicious. I would definitely have a problem with this.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 16:32

Yes, it was put her to bed, then eat dinner. Hmmn, will have to talk to him I can see. Argh.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 28/01/2013 16:33

Sorry just re-read your OP, realised you weren't suggesting that it was a dinner for all three of them.

To reiterate: no I wouldn't like it. Firstly I think it's a bit near to the boundary, second - because he hasn't mentioned it to you. And he hasn't mentioned it to you deliberately, because of point 1.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 16:34

Hyva, they may have something to discuss, v possible. But he hasn't mentioned to me, which is why I have a problem. Could be it's just slipped his mind, but I need to know.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/01/2013 16:35

i would not be happy about that AT ALL

Numberlock · 28/01/2013 16:36

It's not just the dinner though, every single week he's spending a night in his ex-wife's home. There's been no clean break here.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 16:37

Numberlock, that's just one of those things. Really wish it were different, but it's a financial necessity, and also to do with DSD being on the ASD spectrum. I'm fine with that, but not with them having dinner together.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 28/01/2013 16:41

Well I'd asking myself

(a) why is she there this week if she usually goes to her parents
(b) is she going to her parents after dinner
(c) how many times has this happened before
(d) are they still sleeping together

You are most definitely not nuts though.

Dahlen · 28/01/2013 16:45

I think you need to discuss it with him and just explain that he left his email open. It's not as though you were snooping.

Context is everything. In some cases, this would be a sign of two committed but separated parents who have simply managed to stay on amicable terms. I wouldn't have a problem with that personally. Alternatively, it could be the case that the relationship isn't as over as it should be (though if that's the case then there's been ample opportunity before now, so has your suspicion ever been raised in the past?)

Could it be the case that there really isn't anything going on here, but he knows how it would look and has so been economical with the truth to avoid awkward questions rather than because he's up to something? It's difficult for him because he cannot MAKE his XW leave her own house for the evening/night, and if he can't afford to take his DSD elsewhere, what alternative is there?

NatashaBee · 28/01/2013 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 16:51

Hi Dahlen, thanks. I'm going to talk to him. No, I've never been suspicious in the past. She also has a new boyfriend, has been fine about me and DP, etc etc. he's never been anything other than devoted to me, and to our lives together. We plan for the future, want to have a child, etc.

It's possible that he's been economical with the truth just to avoid the aggro, but I'm not really ok with that either. The situation with the house is tricky, and he's said to me in the past on many occasions that he's looking forward to the point at the which DSD is old enough to travel herself, so he doesn't need to go there any more. There really isn't an alternative to him staying over if he wants to see her in the week, and I'm ok with that. But we still need a BIG chat I think.

OP posts:
MariusEarlobe · 28/01/2013 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinosaurhunter · 28/01/2013 16:55

I would not be happy at all , you sound very rational op and caring but don't be taken advantage of .

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 17:02

Hey there marius, yes I saw what she wrote. Just a v brief reply- "weds fine" and DSD's passport details as we're booking a holiday. Nothing dodgy.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 17:02

Thanks dinosaur. I don't intend to be.

OP posts:
MariusEarlobe · 28/01/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 17:10

Could absolutely be about DSD's school/SEN stuff and quite agree he doesn't need to run that past me first - am hoping that's all it is! Am going to ask him to come straight home after work so we can talk as am feeling a bit distressed about it all.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 28/01/2013 17:17

What is the problem exactly?
Is it because he hasn't mentioned that he is having dinner with the ex? Could he have even had time to mention this, considering you were out and came back home, put on pc and there was the email?

Or do you think they are sleeping together?

It is completely fine for exes to maintain non sexual relationships. Even more so when children are involved. It's not about being too involved with each other, just some people like to act like adults and not be nasty to each other. This may shock people, but I go on holiday with my ex. He is the father of my 19 year old. For 19 years now we have had dinner together, gone on holiday, been to the cinema and countless other things. In a relationship we are horrid to each other. But as friends we are perfectly fine. I am not the only person I know that has this type of arrangement. I also don't explain my every movement to my partner because we don't live in each others pockets and how our own lives.

Original poster
UnsureOfOutcome · 28/01/2013 17:21

Ihear, thanks.

I think the problem is that he hasn't told me. I don't honestly think they're sleeping together, and I truly don't mind at all if they have dinner together every time he goes over there - so long as he tells me about it. I don't want to dictate his movements to him but I don't want him to keep those movements secret either because then I end up feeling - well, like this.

Will talk to him when he gets in

OP posts:
shine0ncrazydiamond · 28/01/2013 17:26

Well, I'd try not to feel distressed until you know what you're dealing with!

I'd open the conversation with ' You left your email open and as I shut it down I saw the message where you mention having dinner with just your ex. Have you been doing this every week? ' and see what he says.

I'm not sure if I'd have a problem with it. It would all depend on how our relationship was and if i had any suspicions. Now - this is a totally different scenario but my boyfriend stays at his exes house overnight maybe once every few months when she is away with work for a night. They have two dogs and kind of share custody, mad though that sounds. He cannot have them at his due to living in a flat. I am fine with this because I have zero suspicions. So, if you have no other suspicions and you trust him, then I should say that a friendly dinner is probably just fine.

So try not to go in to this talk all serious and upset and ' let's have a big chat ' because it may not warrant any of that.

Another point... when he stays the night there, do you chat to him during the evening or is there no contact at all? Are you happy that his ex is at her parents?

shine0ncrazydiamond · 28/01/2013 17:27

So, they put their DD to bed, have dinner and then she leaves for her parents?

MariusEarlobe · 28/01/2013 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 18:07

I wouldn't consider email left open as a sign of innocence, necessarily

It doesn't sound like they have a cosy bunk up every time he visits his daughter, but my antennae would be twitching at his lies of omission, tbh

Unless you are crazily possessive about his visits to his dd...and I don't get that impression either