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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

help me understand this behaviour

10 replies

schooldays · 28/01/2013 16:05

ok need to get some stuff off my chest. none of it is dramatic but its making me stressed so i would love your opinions on WTF is wrong with my dh.

had a sick dd on fri (she is a real daddies girl by the way) so i phoned dh to say i would wait for him to come home and i would try and put in a suppositry. so he walzes in from work fri eve - announces he is going to have his tea out with his brother and his kids - had a quick shower and out the door. hardly acknowledged that his dd was burning up or that i had the day from hell with her and her younger brother.
so i asked him to bring back pizza for our other two dc's and myself and he started saying 'ye dont want any pizza - havent ye already eaten'. this stupid conversation went on and on. in the end he said he would get it but he kept saying to me 'do ye want a full pizza' so i said yes a small pizza and he kept repeating himself 'do you want a full pizza'. it was like talking to a wall. i think he was waiting for me to say we would have a left over slices from their pizza at the restaurant.

i slept with dd fri nite to keep an eye on her temp - sat morning he came into the room at 8.30am - are you not getting up etc. I said no im tired have been up alot during the night with dd. he wasnt at all impressed.
same thing sunday morning are you not getting up - saying theres nothing wrong with asking you get up etc - just being such a sh*t - not giving a toss about me or that i was up two nights minding our dd.

also he kept going against me all weekend - telling me to wrap dd up in her duvet (she had a temp of 40degrees celcius) - really disagreeing with me - and saying that his father told him to keep her warm - his father never minded a child in his life. anyway he ended up calling me a bitch. its like he thinks his father is god and anything i say isn't worth listening to me - never mind that i have been a mother now for almost 15 years!!

sorry i know this all sounds very trivial but am very annnoyed and worried. he is just such a selfish pr*ck.

am especially concerned as he has form for being abusive and we seperated last year and are supposed to be back together as a trial. but of course he doesnt think its a trial period he thinks he has the feet back under the table and he seems to think he can do what he likes. dont want this to escalate back into previous behaviour.

also this is weird to me. we were in the pub with his dad a few weeks ago and his dad started saying that he was out for a walk that day and saw a tree with dh initials engraved in it - he was joking about it. i could see my dh nearly climb inside himself and he just said 'speaking of trees................' he started on and on about a tree that he wanted to cut up for firewood. it was very strange - like he couldn't bear his childhood to be mentioned. his father was an awful bully when they were growing up (mellowed with age) and it has obviously affected my dh is some way but i cant figure our why???????

i know im waffling am very tired and stressed............

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/01/2013 16:14

well i think the best way to understand his behaviour is to understand that he is a cock, and hes doing cockish things, and has a cockish lack of respect for you.

Xales · 28/01/2013 16:18

So you are on a trial after previous shit and he is like this...

When are you going to say enough trial over piss off?

Numberlock · 28/01/2013 16:22

he is just such a selfish prck.*

You're spot on with that (somewhat understated) assessment.

he has form for being abusive

Why did you ever get back together with him and why have you not kicked him out again? The 'trial' clearly has been pointless.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 28/01/2013 16:28

He sounds like an arse and a bully. He is still being abusive. WHY did you get back with him?

Short answer - LTB immediately.

Numberlock · 28/01/2013 16:32

... and in that case, I assume you mean Leave The Bully, daddy...

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/01/2013 16:33

He is abusive - you saw this for yourself and have separated from him over it in the past. His current behaviour is therefore no mystery: he is abusive. He is entitled, self-centred, and disrespectful of you.

He does have his feet back under the table unless you say "The trial is over, we are splitting for good." Men like this don't improve, schooldays, they don't change: that would involve admitting wrong, and they can't do that (for any worthwhile length of time).

Let him sort out his own daddy issues in his own time, if he ever chooses to. What's important is how he chooses to treat you and your DC. And the way he treats you is not acceptable.

Since you are focused on wondering why he does what he does, read this book.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 28/01/2013 16:45

Bastard, bully, bum, bampot etc etc

KatieScarlett2833 · 28/01/2013 16:55

Trial period over I should think OP. He's blown it, get him out.

schooldays · 28/01/2013 17:53

you are all right of course. i get very caught up in the detail of he said / i said but really in its totality he is just a cold fish with an awful lot of issues.
he rang just now to see if i had a nice day and to say he will be home soon. said i should go out somewhere tonite - said it would be nice for me to get out of the house - this is what confuses me - he can be so nice and then so rude

need to get him out again - for sure - i just feel so sad for my dc's.

i mentioned booking a summer hol a couple of weeks ago and he said he doesnt want to go - in previous years i would have kept at him til he agreed but this time i just thought to myself that i would absolutely hate to go away and be stuck with his moods for a week - that says alot doesnt it??

also another weird thing - last time we "made love" as he calls it! he gave me several small love bites on my neck. had to wear a polo neck and scarf next day - found it a bit odd really as i haven't had a love bite for about 15 years. so that nite he came home after having a few pints saying he was really sorry for doing that to me and he would never do it again. his apology was totally over the top - you would think he was after killing me -found it a bit disingenuous.

when i tell him we are over he is not going to be happy at all.. i can expect a major tantrum - shouting, crying, - hate having to go through all this again - he is going to be very very upset. dont know why i care but i do. its like he has issues that he cant face up to but on the other hand he absolutely adores his dcs

thanks for reading - certain things i need to get off my chest - even if they sound like nonsense!

OP posts:
Xales · 28/01/2013 17:56

If he was a nasty wanker all the time it would be easy to get rid wouldn't it?

It is because of the nice/nasty swops you think the nasty can be worth living for because the nice is so nice.

Until one day you realise there is no nice any more and you just didn't notice it disappearing.

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