New year new start

[Pippinlongsocks]

posted here for the first time a few weeks ago but was fearful that I could be identified and my post was removed. At that point I was at the end of my tether having spent many years living with an emotionally abusive narcissistic H but feeling like everything was my fault/that I was mad/should put up with things. On the advice of MN I?m reading the Lundy Bancroft book, my H is there on the pages, like the author has lived with us. Two weeks ago I told H I can see no future for us any longer. From years of experience of dealing with him I knew it would do me no favours to be combative/ argumentative and I trying really hard to work through things and keep it that way. I positioned it on the basis that clearly we want different things from being married and I?ve accepted that he can?t give that to me. The reality is that he has no respect for my feelings at all and wants to do what he wants, when he wants, treat me like a skivvy and for me never to complain. Although I was terrified I got through it. On the whole it was a civil discussion with only one instance where he almost became angry but pulled himself back. He did say as I expected him to that our problems were due to me being a manic depressive. My GP would disagree with this and thinks I have anxiety issues (I?ve just started CBT). We have a house to split and during the discussion it was agreed we would try to sell after Easter has passed due to activities that our 11 year old is involved in then. We haven?t told our child yet. Since then things have been quite weird with a different set of egg shells to walk around which I realise is probably his way of trying to confuse me and doubt myself. At first he was being extra-ordinarily nice offering (minor) help at home and coming home earlier (he normally only returns for his dinner) like our previous conversation hasn?t happened. Then this weekend he became much more detached and returned to the familiar blame/criticism/it?s all my fault plus heavier drinking indoors. He said that if I didn?t want him then someone else would. I asked him ?do you have someone else?? He said I told you that I didn?t (I?d never asked that before). I keep going over this in my mind and didn?t sleep all night. I thought back to an incident in September when I thought I saw some blue pills amongst his things in his drawer when I put clean stuff away. I just thought that I?d imagined it. Although it was wrong I took another look and it seems that they are Viagra. I can?t remember a time(s), when we were sleeping together, that I?d noticed anything different about his ?performance?? I don?t know what to make of this. I?ve always had this weird feeling of my life not being real but someone on here said that was a coping strategy but I?ve had a lot of times when I thought there might be things I didn?t know the whole story to. I saw a text on his phone a couple of years ago from someone he?d fallen out with over money who said that if he didn?t pay him what he owed him this person would be speaking to ?x? (ie me) which sent a chill through me, I?ve never done anything to this person but he must have had something to say as H paid him the money he owed him. I know that I probably shouldn?t care what he is up to as clearly we have no future but it all just keeps going round in my head and everything that is being confirmed to me by the Lundy book is making me put so many other instances together when I thought I was paranoid. Luckily financially I could support me and my child in a smaller home. H doesn?t want us to go through solicitors (I know where that is going and am going to get some free advice so I know my rights) and when we previously discussed a separation (at his suggestion last year) he referred to us splitting our equity in the house 60:40. Am I legally entitled to this because our child will live with me? I know this is a long post but I haven?t told anyone else other than the CBT counsellor that I am going through this. I?m holding it together for my child and so that my work is not affected but feel like I have no way to sense check anything. If anyone can give me words that will keep me forging ahead having been there themselves I?d appreciate it. I should trust all my instincts right and think all my doubts are another reason to keep going with my plan aside from all the other crappy stuff I have to put up with. I recognise within myself that I am going to mourn the loss of the life I thought I had (from the times when things were sort of ok) and the worry of being the only breadwinner. I know that I have to take this decision now before my child will have important school stuff to get through. It?s always just me and them together anyway so I already feel like a single parent. I keep picturing the two of us in a new home being cosy and free from all this stress and anxiety. Am I right to think that when my child finally knows we are splitting up its ok to big up that they?ll have a nice new bedroom, their own study and perhaps even a kitten which they?ve always wanted but we?ve never been ?allowed?? H is not an involved father so it?s not like our child has been used to any attention before. I think deep down that they will be more upset that we will have to move to a different home. I don?t want to tell family and friends yet to spare them the worry but I do need some words of wisdom to keep going if anyone can offer them to me.

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it?s long.

Hi op wow what a huge post,

I remember some of your last posts and I think the first thing I want to say is that you have done an incredibly brave thing, the conversation you have had with him ranks amongst the two hardest things you will have to do about your relationship, the other thing is actually leaving the home/him

You already have a sense of what life is going to be like post him, youve described it as warm and welcoming and anxiety free, these things alone will be enough to mentally see you through the things to come. I would recommend some counselling in the near future to shore up confidence and self esteem. I wouldnt worry about your childrens reaction to the split, all kids really want at the end of the day is familiarity and a secure place, and they will find that with you in abundance.

myself and my son when he was 3 lived in a hostel in a small room for 7 months after my marriage ended, and he doesnt remember anything about it.

My mum said to me at the time, all thats counts is, your kids sit where you sit, sleep where you sleep and eat what you eat, there really isnt anything else they need, other than the love of a parent.
Getting them and you away from him and his influence is the priority the rest is details that will fall in to place as you go along.

Find out all you need to know ref paper work benefits and rights, and time will take care of the rest of it. Dont second guess him, just make your won decisions and stick to them. make sure everyone knows who needs to know, and garner as much rl support as you can.

In time it will get better, I am living proof of this, and there are a lot of us on here honest.

Well done you and onwards on upwards and a very very un mumsnetty hug to boot ( )

Thank you for responding. Being new to the MN thing I've been a plank and posted my long ramble twice!! Oh dear. thank you so much for your words of support especially as you have too been there so know what you are talking about. I must make a mantra to think onwards and upwards. As long as my child is ok with everything I can deal with it all I know. I just want them to be happy. Your mum's wisdom is fabulous and I am going to remind myself of them often. Xx

It?s always just me and them together anyway so I already feel like a single parent. I keep picturing the two of us in a new home being cosy and free from all this stress and anxiety.

This is exactly how I feel. I love the thought of being a nice little house with my daughter (and a kitten!) Probably should act sooner rather than later (she's 7). Wish I'd left years ago

you can do it Poppymay. Don't let this plonker bring you down like I have with mine. I read your other post and you were describing what my H says to me. he said that on Friday in fact that all our problems are due to me being a depressive. You and me both then eh?! Lets make a pact not to listen to this tosh any more and get on with our lives and our future happiness. You are young and have so much ahead of you that could be so much better for you and your daughter. If someone loves us they are kind to us. If we stick with these unpleasant men then we're missing out on that kindness coming our way. Your daughter will be fine and will love being with her gp's even if it all seems strange at first. Make some plans to investigate what your benefits could be, what housing help you could get. I bet you might be surprised by how much help is there. don't think you are a bad mum. You are not. Be strong. Take small steps. Xx

Ps I just thought PoppyMay that since I've been looking on here for support that nobody has posted anything along the lines of how I wish I had stayed with my EA H. We could have been so happy. to quote some previous wise words ... Onwards and upwards! Xx