Just don't know what to do - feel trapped and have done for years (pretty sad considering I'm only 30)

[poppymay13]

I've been with my partner for 8.5 years and we have a 7 year old daughter who wasn't planned. We don't get on very well and in the first few years I'd often go back to my parents. I still threaten it quite often but its not really something I can realistically see myself doing. My daughter wouldn't want to (I do ask her if we can and feel terrible about that as I know its far too much for her to deal with). She's heard me say it so often to her dad though that now she says it to him when she's annoyed! I was made redundant nearly 2 years ago then did a course and applied for uni but didn't get in. I'm very up-and-down mood-wise (mostly down I guess) and this makes it hard to feel confident about working again. He works full-time in a job he hates and resents me for that. He smokes weed every night and has done since before we met (I was naive and didn't fully realise this before we moved in together). We live in a small flat which I've always hated but don't seem to be able to save up to move out. My parents wouldn't help because they just think I should go home - they know how badly we get on, I was over there on my own on Christmas Day crying because he'd been such a bastard. My daughter is what keeps me going - she is beautiful, clever and funny.

Your daughter is what should spur you to finally end this ill-matched partnership. Think of her life for a second..... saddled with two parents who can't stand each other, a mother who is constantly depressed and a father who is full of resentment and off his head all night. She may be beautiful, clever and funny but what is she learning from this experience about relationships? How much do you think she holds herself responsible for keeping the pair of you happy?

If, in 21 years time, she came to you saying what you've written in your OP what would you say to her.... 'go home to your partner'?... or 'get out while you're still young?'

I think you need some hope for the future and for that you need some solid advice regarding how your life would look as an independent mother. If your family are unsupportive please talk to friends, solicitors, CAB, housing authorities... whoever it takes... in order to make a plan to do what you should have done a long time ago. i.e. get out of this toxic relationship that is making three people very unhappy.

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this but I'm afraid I think it is wrong to involve your seven year old daughter. You are the adult and should be shielding her from all this. If you think the best thing is to leave then you don't need your daughter's permission; again, you are the adult. It is very sad that she threatens her dad with leaving (if I've understood that correctly).

Poppy

What do you want out of life, not just for you but for your DD as well?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this non starter of a relationship to date?. Fear, obligation, guilt?.

This is no ideal model for her to be seeing regarding how relationships are (or in this case not) conducted. Both of you are teaching her damaging lessons; is this really what you want for her long term?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

You cannot remain with someone who continually sucks all joy not just out of you but out of life itself. He is not a good dad to her if he treats you, the person whom he is supposed to love, like this. He drags you down and sadly at present you are letting him do this, he is the root cause of your unhappiness
You are not also responsible for someone's elses happiness; he should not be blaming you at all for working in a job that he hates.

Ditch this deadweight weed smoker of a man and I think you'll become far happier. He currently thinks you are not serious about going back to your parents because you've said it often enough and you have not for your own reasons acted on it.

There is always a way out, Womens Aid can and will help you leave. The first step is often the hardest and most difficult one to take and its not easy but staying with this man is something you can no longer do.

If your parents are supportive then you're not trapped, they will take you both in and you can have some breathing space while you plan a new start. Even if you can't face going back to them, as Cogito says, you do have options. Don't stay there, it sounds terrible for you and your daughter.

"I do ask her if we can and feel terrible about that as I know its far too much for her to deal with"

Please stop doing this. A 7yo cannot be expected to be their mother's confidante. It is unfair to ask a child to choose between two parents. You are the adult and you make the decisions. Don't keep her in the dark if her life is going to change, obviously, but don't make her feel that she is responsible for your happiness either. A girl you describe as 'funny' may already think she has to play the clown in order to keep her parents from being at each other's throats...

Please stop making threats to leave, and for God's sake stop asking your DD if she'd like to leave. That's just playing mind games with her - we left because DD wanted to [therefore she'd see it as her fault if a move doesn't work out].

Go out with your partner and have a drink and make some plans. Are you together because you can't be arsed to split up, or do you actually deep down like each other but are just in crap circumstances? Could you move as a family to a new area, away from your parents and his job and his dealer and give you all a fresh start. If you struggled to get into university, could he get in, would he appreciate the chance to train for a new job, or maybe go self employed?

Why didn't you get into university? Was it just the sheer volume of applicants trying to get in before from the £9k fees, you applying to a too academic university or a lack of relevant work experience, for example?

I remember moving into our house and being really unhappy, and then reminding myself that my DH wasn't any happier than me. We had to work together to improve. So, do you two want to split up or change your circumstances? If you just want to change circumstances, he has to stop smoking your savings away every night, you have to stop underminding your partner to your DD, and you both need to start making plans for a different job, different flat, different area etc.

If you feel trapped now at 30 and you have done for years - fast forward 10 more years and you are going to not only feel trapped but you are going to be full of unhappy resentment at wasting your life, you'll be angry at yourself for not making a change 10 years ago (NOW) when you had the gumption to do it - it is far, far harder to start all over again at 40 with a teenager in tow who is just about as cross as you are about life because for the whole of her life, she's had negative input from all around her.
I think once we hit the wall of 'I do not want this to be my life' its time to look at what we do want to be our life. Once we decide what we want, its how to get there that matters and its not easy. Life is not easy, is it?
Decide if you want to stay with your man or not. I'd start there if I were you. If you do not, go stay with your parents for a little bit while you think about what it is you do want, hell, so many others do not have that back up in their lives. You do not have to stay with them for ever do you?

I do feel that if I went to my parents I'd be stuck there. And its not a good place for my daughter. Her dad for a start would not allow it.

I applied for midwifery, an extremely competitive course, even more so at my local uni. He's been to uni and got a 2:1 and originally intended to go far away to work but then I got pg.

I know its awful to talk to my daughter about leaving. Please don't berate me any more. I won't do it again. But talking about her innocence, I can't stand the thought of taking her away from her dad. She wants to move into a house, get a kitten and have a baby sister. And I hate the thought of it just being me and her cos I'd be crap.

"But talking about her innocence, I can't stand the thought of taking her away from her dad. She wants to move into a house, get a kitten and have a baby sister. And I hate the thought of it just being me and her cos I'd be crap".

No you would not be crap at all but the current situation that you are in certainly is crap.

Why can't you stand the thought of taking her away from her dad?. What's behind this thinking?. Her Dad is a deadbeat and you are cowed by him, he has no respect for either of you whatsoever.

He says if I made the effort then things could be better. He says its me that drains the energy out of him and ruins everything. I don't think he can really be called a deadbeat when he's worked in a job he hates for 5 years in order to support us. He could have gone off abroad to work and just left us. He says he would marry me if he thought I loved him. But there have been so many rubbish times that I don't know any more. I do hate him most the time.

He is using a tactic called projection on you, its a time honoured tactic used by abusers. He is all those things that he describes of you; he sucks all the joy out of life. He has no interest in marrying you whatsoever, he has no idea of what love is at all.

He has you where he has wanted you all along really; ground down to apulp and doubting your own self.

Its not you, its him. You only will compound your initial mistake in getting together in the first place (you have stated yourself you were naive about his using weed) by remaining with such an individual if you choose to. If he hates his job it is possible to change it, you are not responsible for his happiness or lack of. How could you be?.

Also how can someone who smokes weed every night be anything other than a deadbeat dad; what sort of an example does he set to your child?.

You write that you hate him most of the time so the question begs itself; why are you still with him?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

So he blames you for everything. You drain the energy. You ruin everything. He only does the job he hates..... for you. And he would marry you but .... oh look!... he doesn't because he doesn't think you love him. See a pattern forming here?

Nobody is perfect but he has managed to totally absolve himself of all responsibility for what has been a bad relationship from start to finish. Instead he focuses on blaming you & making you feel guilty instead. And I'm sorry to say it's working... you're believing this crap. Does he give lessons in mind-control to Derren Brown...?

Men and women are quite capable of working a job that they hate for the necessity of providing for their child(ren) without feeling the need to throw toys out of pram, light up a splif and berate the others in their lives for them having to work a job they hate.
A lot of men and women never, ever see their children yet pay adequately for their support - is that not a deadbeat parent? It takes far more than money to raise a child? Money is a huge issue yes but what about playing with the child? Laughing with it? Raising it? Teaching it right from wrong, a good attitude from a bad one, respect towards the child's mother as opposed to belittling her - You are the mother of his child - no matter what, he ought to respect you for that?

What do you propose to do so that you no longer 'drain the energy out of him and ruin things' How much of an effort, in your opinion, is enough of an effort to make this man happy? How many hoops will you jump through? What lengths will you go to? How much of your own self respect are you prepared to sacrifice so this man can, finally, be happy?

Have you actually told him that you are not happy? And he is draining the energy out of you and ruining things? That if he made more of an effort stuff might be a whole lot better?

I do not berate you for saying rash things in front of your child - your emotions are running high and you are in a mucking fuddle. Its not advisable to say things in front of her but you have done and you can't change it. You can change what you say to her from today though, right? Today does not have to be like yesterday - you can make it different. If you can not change your partner, change yourself and how you talk to your little girl?

Thank you all for your advice. I can understand all the "get out now" responses but its not a case of me just being the victim here. He knows I'm unhappy but says I've always been unhappy since before we were together. He thinks I'd be/already am a rubbish role model to our daughter because I'm such a depressive and have no enthusiasm for life. Since not working or studying I have retreated into myself. I don't properly talk to anyone. I think what 'friends' I do have are just other mums or acquaintances who think that I have other close friends but I don't. And we don't seem to have any mutual friends either. So we're both a bit loner-ish really.

Anyway, a few weeks ago during another low point he said we'll set a date and things haven't improved by then we'll split up. He doesn't want me to leave in a rush and for it to be horrible. He's said many times that he can't carry on like this and needs a more supportive partner. The weed is probably the biggest obstacle in my eyes. If I smell it I get so angry. He doesn't understand that at all. He doesn't drink and asks whether I'd prefer he drank every night or got drunk every weekend which of course I wouldn't like either.

But I think you're right Atilla there is no love here so giving up the weed, me getting a job, moving house - I don't think any of it would make any difference. I'm just too much of a wimp to do anything about it.

Should you perhaps go to your GP and talk to the practice nurse if you can't a doctor as you sound depressed to me. Its hard to get up the courage to make new friends, find a job and be confident if you are feeling, what you say yourself, unhappy and depressive. Let alone make major life decisions as in, walking away from a relationship.
Do you think perhaps that instead of focusing on what your partner is feeling/thinking and saying, you ought to focus on what you are feeling and thinking? Were you always like this Poppy? Even before you met your partner and had your daughter? Or has being in this relationship caused you to be like this - not that it entirely matters really, you are where you are today for whatever reason so, perhaps go talk to the nurse or doctor might help you?
You are not a rubbish role model to your daughter Poppy, you have just gone and lost your way a little bit and sometimes we need a little nudge, a little bit of help to find our way again, that's all.

You do sound depressed and even if you don't want medication then at the least counselling might help give you someone to confide in and help you focus on dealing with these issues.

It sounds as if you didn't really have much of a basis for a relationship and if you hadn't had your dd would probably have split years ago. You 'hate him most of the time' so of course you will both suffer as a result and you're both going to continue to suffer from prolonging that. Why not split now and give yourselves a chance to be happy separately?

Have you completely given up on your hope of becoming a midwife? Are there no other routes to take or other Uni's to apply to? If not then maybe you can use the qualification you got to go into a related field or do some more courses - anything to keep your mind and hope alive. You need a proper fresh start - your life, your decision.

When you've made a move I expect your daughter would be happy to start off with the kitten and leave the rest on hold for the time being.

Hi Poppy, something you wrote struck a chord:

"The weed is probably the biggest obstacle in my eyes. If I smell it I get so angry. He doesn't understand that at all. He doesn't drink and asks whether I'd prefer he drank every night or got drunk every weekend which of course I wouldn't like either."

This is a manipulative tactic: he offers you an alternative as though there are only two possibilities: either he smokes weed or he drinks alcohol. It's as though the idea he might not do either isn't even an option and you have no right to expect this. You do! You have a right to be with someone who isn't dependent on any substance. He does understand, he just chooses to say 'what? You're crazy! I've done nothing wrong!' so you will doubt yourself. He is a manipulator.

You do sound depressed, to be honest. I am in a similar position and have just taken my DD and left my H to live with my mum. It is scary and overwhelming at times - I've left my home, my friends, my whole life really - but you need to take baby steps - at first, just think about what you might do part-time, to get you out of your parents' house and get you to meet people. Even just a few hours a week will boost your confidence and, most importantly, make you feel you are taking charge of your life. Feeling helpless is very depressing.

Good luck x