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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling very panicky

10 replies

Orchidlady · 28/01/2013 10:10

DP have long history been tog for nearly 20 years. Past few years have been pretty shit, his mental breakdown, money problems, no sex life ( his ED problem) So anyway on Friday I have asked him to leave because surely life could be so much better, or will it? I read so many sad posts on here about people feeling lonely not being able to find new partner ( and yes I have lived on my own before and really do not want to be single, some people are like that). I am 47, I don't want to be some mad old lady living here alone surrounded by cats. Anyway he said he can't go at the moment due to money but has moved into the spare bedroom. I am now in a complete panic, I feel sick, to be honest I am scared shit less about being in this house alone. I am just so confused about my feeling. Part of me is thinking, I could just carry on and not upset everything. (Also DS will be devastated, he is a very sensitive soul) DP is acting like nothing has happened. Me I can't stop crying, I just feel so alone. Not sure what I am asking I suppose just wanted to write this down and try to get my head together. Some sensible words form you wise MN's please. I feel like I am spinning out of control and need to keep it together

OP posts:

bluecarrot · 28/01/2013 10:14

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds like its been very stressful for both of you recently. I don't believe you should stay with someone just do you aren't alone. You could have another 40 or more years together. Could you do that?

Have you tried any couples counselling when he had the breakdown? Has his personality changed dramatically? Is he still having MH issues?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 28/01/2013 10:18

Thank blue yes he has changed and we have talked and talked about this. On Friday he was verbally abusive his face changed if that makes sense and then bang he was back to normal and claimed to not have remembered anything said in the past 10 minutes. He has admitted to suffering memory loss, I know this to be true

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 10:36

You have to get him out. He's deferring things by using money as an excuse and I think he's hoping it'll all blow over. So you have to act rather than let him set the agenda. You should not have to live in an atmosphere of verbal abuse and, if it's affecting you this badly, imagine what it's doing to a sensitive DS. So move things along, help your exP find a place to stay, whatever it takes to make things happen. "He who hesitates is lost"

nospace · 28/01/2013 12:56

Do not expect to not feel scared. It is scary splitting up with a long term partner, and people feel scared and panicky. But people come through it to the other side.I hope you have someone/some people who will be there for you.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 28/01/2013 13:02

I am very isolated and work from home. Just don't know if this is the right thing to do, my head is reeling. Wish there was someone to talk to in RL

OP posts:

kalidanger · 28/01/2013 13:03

I read far more posts on here about how people are relieved and delighted to be on their own with their DC. Of course, it's hard to establish finances and contact arrangements but these posts are full of light and laughter. There's no more moods and swearing, no more "I never said that!" three minutes after saying that.

And if you don't get any cats then you can't be a crazy cat lady

bluecarrot · 28/01/2013 13:12

While I have no personal experience of this, it seems from here it can be a very slippery slope from verbal abuse.

I have been trying to work things out from his pov. I don't know the backstory of the breakdown etc. could it be possible he needs medication and support still? I'm thinking ongoing depression where he isn't physically capable of being a loving husband.

Saying that, you haven't mentioned any redeeming features...is that cause you are in a negative frame of mind or can you genuinely not see any? :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 13:13

Don't you have friends or family to talk to? Do you think the situation is bringing you down and would benefit from talking to your GP?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 28/01/2013 13:49

cogito sound really sad but not really anyone in RL. DM thinks he is wonderful, I always get "oh poor old ---, " so not going to get anything impartial there. Everyone thinks he is lovely which he can be.
Blue he was on meds but decided to stop taking them. Think he really needs to sort that out again. Never really got to the bottom of MH issues, def depressed but I think there is more to it than that.

I am just so undecided about what to do, when I think of him not being here I get very distressed.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 29/01/2013 16:14

get yourself to a counsellor -tell GP and get your six nhs sessions to start...it will help

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