How do I possible leave the family home without becoming utterly depressed?

[feelokaboutit]

Hi

H and I have a long history of being very detached from each other, interspersed (not that often but devastating when it happens) with awful silences following arguments where h has felt humiliated. Basically if his temper has been stood up to beyond what his fragile ego can take.

On Friday we had an disagreement over something really ridiculous whereupon he started shrieking his head off at me and saying hurtful things. That I was trying to stake a claim on things that were not mine (this was about him giving or selling don't know one of our chimney cast iron surrounds to some neighbours and my massive failing was forgetting that months and months ago he had already put it on ebay), that I could go and talk to my "doggies" (people I confide in, he was being derogatory) about it but not to him.

He was shouting all of this in my face in a really horrible way so I simply said (and this follows years of things being difficult between us though okay occasionally, as well as counselling which we went to last year but stopped when h could not take the heat) "I am leaving you" - which really I think is what I have to do.

The difficult/horrible part is that we have 3 dcs, 6, 8 and 11 years old. I am a SAHM and the house we live in belongs to h as well as being partly where he works from. He would never in a million years leave this house nor could I ask him to do it. So it has to be me who leaves and finds somewhere to rent and hopefully have some assistance from the state (need to find out about all of this). However before I can leave I really need to find work. I have done lots of teaching assistant type volunteering as well as a course so could go down that route but have already seen how difficult it is to get jobs. Plus my confidence is kind of zero .

Naturally this latest argument means that there is now the most deafening silence between h and I. There is no point even trying to talk to him (though I did socially on saturday when his brother was here and he was obliged to respond to things like did he want tea). This is all desperately sad and very hurtful. Yesterday evening he was designing a caravan with the kids - he is going to turn his van into one. He was openly designating sleeping spaces for everybody except for me. This is designed to hurt and to no doubt bring me back into the fold. However I am so unhappy about our non relationship and the way it is, as well as the fact that h is impossible to talk to about anything that he doesn't want to talk about, that even though this is extremely hurtful, I cannot be sucked back in. For what anyway? Someone who never shows me any affection and who is critical and controlling?

During our argument I told him that I cannot stay with someone who hates me for the next 20 years, to which he did not say anything. (Kids all at school when argument took place so they did not hear). I have done damaging things within our relationship as well as he, but somehow he is very imperious about how things should happen and though he no doubt feels bad about some of his stuff and it gets projected on to me, I don't know how aware he is of this. His main line of defense is blame and counter attack.

The thing is that I feel totally awful (and kind of worthless as h has been very clear that he feels he does everything) and from this standpoint I am supposed to gather myself together and leave? Not leave the dcs I hasten to add, but I doubt they are going to want to leave their cosy home even to be with me half the time... I feel that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is absolutely no point in saying that h should be the one to leave as this will never happen in a month of sundays. He is very quick to be on the offensive and if he feels got at in this way he will go off at the deep end. Anyway, I don't want to "kick him out", I want us to discuss how we will part. This will not happen either though.

Lastly, the thought of not being with my dcs all the time, which is will what happen, is unbelievably painful. DOES ANYBODY EVER GET OVER THIS???

"Lastly, the thought of not being with my dcs all the time, which is will what happen, is unbelievably painful. DOES ANYBODY EVER GET OVER THIS??? "

Yes, of course. But it's important to take the initiative rather than waiting for things to happen or... worse... making assumptions based on very little information. I'm assuming you are in the UK, in which case, as a married woman you enjoy many important rights, not least over any 'marital assets'. i.e the equity in the house doesn't belong to him solely but equally between you as a couple. As you have three children, you'd also find that any state help would be supplemented by maintenance. Your ex-H would retain financial responsibility. Regarding the DCs the benchmark is 'what's best for the children'. If you are their primary carer then what's best is going to be something approaching the status quo.

DO NOT LEAVE BY YOURSELF... that would be quite wrong.

So take the initiative and see a solicitor specialising in Family Law. If he is a bully, won't leave and won't take you seriously then there are legal routes you can take. With legal backing he would have to take that seriously and everything else would follow on. Obviously, if you feel you are going to be in danger by challenging him, you need to consider your own safety. Talk to your solicitor about that at the same time.

Yes. But it takes time and it isn't easy. But you need to be clear in your mind - which outcome is worse? You can stay with someone who clearly dislikes and despises you for the rest of your life. Or you can try to make a new life, get through some difficult times but hopefully come out the other side happier and free. Not just you, but the children too.

It reads as though you are frantically going round in circles, panicking, which is totally understandable. But try not to get sucked into catastrophic thinking. It isn't his choice who stays and who goes. If this gets to court, the court's first concern is the welfare of any children of the family. They should be able to stay in the home if at all financially possible and I imagine the most likely outcome is you stay with them if you are primary carer. When they are adults the house can be sold and the equity divided in the fairest way between you.

I think you need to go and see a specialist family solicitor and have a chat for an hour or so so you are clearer about what might happen to house/money if you do separate.

If he sees you are serious, there is a slim possibility this might be a trigger for him to want to communicate with you. But I woudn't bet on it.

I think you need to focus on getting all the helpful info that you can and then make the best decision for you and the children based on that info.

Thank you. Trying to rouse myself up to do anything at all is the difficulty I am having .

Find a Solicitor. Here you go. Without even leaving the comfort of your keyboard, you can rouse yourself to finding a solicitor's phone number. Write it down, keep it safe and call it the next time he says something derogatory or is shouting in your face.

Hi, I came on here to get some advice and will post a separate message about that but I saw your message and wanted to write to you. I left my H 9 months ago feeling a lot like you by the sounds of your message and have been living with my mum since. My H would never leave the house. We have a S (6) and we have had joint care of him since day one of leaving. Anyway as others have said you do need to get some advice about your personal situation to get your head straight on it before you do anything. What I would say is that it is incredibly hard and you will have to find strength you never knew you had to leave and stick to it but for me, having done it, despite all the trauma its causing (mainly due to his harassment and lack of acceptance) and the guilt of calling an end to it, it has been worth the weight that has lifted in my mind because I was having a break down. Look up the definition of emotional abuse, it shocked me when I looked it up and your H sounds like he has done what mine did to me. They are not concious of it but it happens and it destroys your mind. I feel better and know I am right but its hard and the guilt is very difficult to live with but i just keep trying to remember that my S would prefer a happy mum than a depressed one and one day he will be old enough to understand. This may not be the end for you both. You will only be happy where you end up if you know truly in your heart that with him is not where you want to be.

baby steps, just do one thing a day if that is all you can cope with at the moment. You are going through a horribly traumatic experience, however much of an obvious jerk partners are, we have still invested a lot of time and hope in the relationship and I know that sometimes the future can feel very frightening and bleak.

But remember that feelings are not reality. Don't ignore your feelings and don't disrespect them. But don't let fear be what decides the rest of your life.

Clearly both you and your H are unhappy in this relationship and the steps you have taken in the past have not resolved this. It looks like it is time for you to end it and take the steps necessary to do so. Contact a solicitor, but do not leave the house. Try to create a separate existence in the house, which sounds like what your marriage has been anyway for some time and keep communication with your H to minimum necessary. You will be happier without him in the future, but there will be a lot of upheaval getting there. Once you have taken that first step, the others will follow, day at a time.

I do not believe a relationship built with a family, ie. children over time can sail
through in sublime innocents without major upheaval at various stages.
As time passes, we enter new stages in our being and being aware of this fact for ourself AND our partner is a must.
My experience in the matter is that one party will often unvitingly take up the role of the 'victim' in a misunderstanding (call it an argument or shouting match)but be equally responsible for the theatre. All of us, purely through lack of rehearsal in
knowledge of life and it's path, will exacerbate the tensions by taking a stance of 'I am right' during any crisis within the household, and in turn both parties will develop the victim stance; Which I believe has taken place here.
Where there is still 'care' within two of you, I think it still is, though under a dark cloud, it is necessary to make a conscience effort to genuinely and subtly show it, weather by touch, smile or some acknowledgement and make clear who comes first - always.

We naturally seek 'support'in a crisis weather it comes form friends or family and now faceless internet advisers, however well meaning, it very rarely assists in resolving our current stage of crisis; often has a tendency to stoke the fire.
Where we are unable to use inner ability to rationalise and smooth over our families path, it is better to seek trained and practised individuals who will fit in to BOTH of your psyche for guidance regardless of how many attempts it may take and avoid casual support.

"he started shrieking his head off at me and saying hurtful things. "

Bollocks to your 'victim stance' crap careunit.... This man is abusive.

But you have got to be able to distinguish between what is a 'stage' of difficulty and what is a fundamental destructive problem in a relationship.

I appreciate the distinction is not always easy and of course a relationship is made up of two people who both have an obligation to examine their own behaviour.

'years of difficulty' and a husband who shouts abusive things at his wife does not sound like a 'stage' to be weathered. Particularly not when there are young children who have to listen to this.

Victim blaming is utterly unacceptable..... 'Equally responsible for the theatre'.

careunit I do not believe a relationship built with a family, ie. children over time can sail through in sublime innocents without major upheaval at various stages. - I do not really understand this sentence. Could you please explain?

Thanks for your post. I agree with part of it in that I think my h and I trigger each other's profoundest fears beyond belief, hence the complete shutdowns. The problem here is that my h does not want to talk about this and may not even be aware of it.

I am feeling intense sadness at the thought of breaking up my family and have been thinking that I really need to work on all my own issues before I go about running away (not on my own) just to feel better.

He doesn't shout me down that often, but often enough to mean that I do not talk about anything contentious because it is too scary to do so. This is either his conscious or unconscious intention, I don't know. Hence I am never able to talk about the kind of relationship I want which is very very frustrating. In any case, we have been distant and unaffectionate for a very long time (occasionally sleeping together and then going back to being distant, not my choice the distant bit) so this alone would warrant us calling it a day? The thought of being apart from my family some or even 50 % of the time is MIND BLOWINGLY FRIGHTENING.

"I do not talk about anything contentious because it is too scary to do so. This is either his conscious or unconscious intention"

It's the natural result of being trained by a bully. Say something contentious.... get shouted down. Disagree with him .... he shrieks in your face. Challenge him.... get angry silent treatment. So you adapt.

Keep quiet and say nothing because you're frightened of the reaction ..... start rationalising it that he 'doesn't shout me down that often'.... start taking some of the blame the way (which is what the appalling careunit is suggesting).... he's succeeded in crushing your spirit. You are then trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship. QED

You of course can only do what you think is best for you and your family but for me the most frightening thing of all would be to live 'with someone who hates me for 20 years'.

That's hardly 'upheaval at major stages' sounds more like a life sentence.