My angry depressed DH has crossed a line today, verbal/physical abuse - what to do ?

[justoverit]

I have posted before but not for a while. Briefly, we have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. H is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober since April last year, and has always suffered with depression. He is very angry, always has been, but he has been exploding more and more recently. When he was drinking it would happen every few months, we would row and he would end up slamming doors, punching holes in walls, kicking stuff. I hate it. Now we seem to be arguing all the time and he is more and more frequently acting out violently, in front of the kids and for really unwarranted things. He has never in all the time we have been together been physically abusive towards me, but when he shouts, his face is So angry it's terrifying as i can see how full of rage he is, and he points his finger at me in a way i hate. He also blames me - eg "you created this, you amped it up and now i'm shouting", etc

We have had a bit of trouble lately with dd who is quite emotional and keeps answering us back shouting, if we ask her to do anything - reasonable things like getting dressed etc. Yes i know there is an obvious bad role model thing here. I have suggested this weekend that if she shouts at us she is to go to her room and calm down and he agreed. I have been enforcing this and it's worked a few times .

This morning we were trying to leave the house to meet his family for a long planned celebration lunch. Should have been lovely. I was in the other room. She was dressed and ready after much chivvying from both of us, but when he told her to stop what she was doing on the computer she shouted in his face that she didn't want to. We had been warning her we needed to leave and told her she could have 5 mins on it which was up. He smacked her for shouting at him. (He has smacked her about 2 times ever before, he usually is very controlled around the kids.) She started screaming and crying even more.

As we were late, going somewhere special and i just didn't want her to get any more upset I sat with her and cuddled her, said that she shouldn't shout at us, but to calm down and also that he should not have shouted at her or smacked her for that. She calmed a bit. He then came out of the bedroom and started shouting at her that he had smacked her because she was shouting in his face. I said Shh, as i could see that this was just going to upset her further and he seemed to not realise that he was shouting quite loudly and aggressively. He said don't Shush me, I said please just talk to her. He started repeating what he'd said even louder, i kept asking him to stop as i could see it just getting worse, he then shouted at me to stop talking over him, slammed the door but then reappeared, shouting even more angrily, held my wrist and really close to me and dd shouted the same thing all over again. He said sorry to me afterwards, i said a few words, calmly, that we need to talk tonight and that his blow-ups are scaring me, He said that he is furious all the time and that's why. He said and so are you. I said i'm not furious i'm just sad. We then had to go as we couldn't let his family down for lunch, and we had to play act that we were ok. He is out now, and obviously we haven't had the conversation.

Before this happened i had been building up to asking him to go to counselling, or anger management and making it a condition that he did so as I am at the end of the line now and want a divorce unless he can change. The wall punching etc is too much. I'm starting to realise it's abusive. I am trying to give him a chance to get back to normal without drink but i think he's had long enough. He has been saying for ages that he agrees he is angry and needs counselling or therapy but never goes through with it.

He was going to AA meetings up until a month ago, and was saying these were like therapy but he's stopped now.

I feel so sad about the idea of divorce, i don't want to be a single parent but increasingly think it might be better than how we live now, and this morning because he held my wrist and lost it so thoroughly in front of dd, I just think maybe this is the final line he has crossed. What do i do? How do i tell him about this ultimatum without it becoming an argument ? Am i kidding myself that he'll be able to go to anger management or counselling and ever be ok ?

[ImperialBlether]

Personally I think he's lost his commitment to not drinking and is blaming you for the fact he can't drink. Now you will live apart and he will be free to drink. I do believe that's what he's thinking. You might want to see how that 50/50 split goes if that's the case.