SIL behaviour to me since a bereavement.

[sensesworkingovertime]

I am posting this on here as I can't talk to anyone else about it at the moment.

My beloved mum died quite suddenly this week and I am devasted. SILs husband was very nice to me and said all the right words etc but I have not had a word from SIL herself. No call, no card, no text. I feel as if she lets her DH do it all in that he is the one that spoke to me on phone but it was as if it all came from him and he did not say ' xxxxxx (SILs name) and I are sorry....' I am expecting too much? I found that other people have texted, sent cards, flowers, donations but not her. The thing is, at present she wants to move into a 'job' that would heavily involve dealing with bereaved people. I don't understand why she can't seem to deal with me. I don't want to dwell on it though, I need ways of coping with how she is and I don't want to upset my DH by saying all this to him.

Is your SIL's husband your brother?

I'm so sorry your mum passed away. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

Please don't focus on your SIL at the moment. Yes, she isn't helping by not contacting you and you might be right to think she's thoughtless, but you shouldn't let her get to you. You've had a terrible shock - one of the worst anyone can have - and you need time to come to terms with it.

You could end any hostilities now by just sending her a text saying, "I'm so upset about my mum at the moment and hate to think you're keeping away from me because of it. Can you come round for coffee soon?"

You're right to think she doesn't sound as though bereavement counselling is the job for her.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Understandably, your emotions are raw but I would caution you against magnifying any perceived slight to proportions which may adversely affect your future relationships) with those you feel have not responded in an appropriate manner.

Have you always got on well with your sil or has it been somewhat of a distant relationship?

As an aside, I wish I had £1 for every occasion I've come acoss those whose dubious talents would be better employed elsewhere - I'd use the money to sue inept vocational guidance counsellors who bung square begs into round holes with no thought for those who have to suffer the consequences.

May god help any newly bereaved who have to suffer your sil because she's unlikely to provide them with any comfort or solace in their time of need.

Hi, no, she's my DHs sister.

You are right Imperial re me not focusing on it. It's just that in the next few weeks I am expecting her to constact me regarding attending a regular weekly meeting (it either at her or someone else's house alternately) and I know that the way I am feeling over this I will not want to go.

I think your feelings are magnified at the moment - when my friend died I was so angry at the people I thought should be brilliant. But in hindsight I just had anger and my brain was just trying to find an outlet. Try not to focus on your sil x

Is sil dh's sister? I can see this is upsetting for you but I'm guesing she feels that her dh has expressed sympathy and that is adequate. I don't think I would necessarily expect all my relatives to individually express sadness at the passing of a person I'm guessing she had seldom met? In fact when my bil died my mil and sil spoke to me about it and mil sent a card to my sister. The rest of the family didn't seek to speak to me about it explicitly and that was fine. I know they were sad that I was sad. I think you may be a little harsh on your sil tbh.

I think you're feeling understandably sad and angry at the moment - I'm so sorry about your mum.
I too think your feelings towards your sil may be magnified right now.
I'm sure she thinks that her dh has expressed their sorrow. Try not to be too harsh on her.

Love to you xxx

i suppose I just expected a bit more from her due to the fact she IS related to me and the contrast i've had from other people, even complete strangers have a kind word for me and also the fact that she wants to go down this certain career path which would take her into the world of bereavement very regularly I just find it odd and a bit hard to understand and cope with at the minute. Thanks for all your advice though.

So sorry your mum passed away. I think the text that Imperial suggested is a good idea to give her the benefit of the doubt. Are you normally very close with Sil? I'd feel hurt by her no contact as well.

I think you're expecting too much, her dh has spoken with you and said nice things and they're probably in the mindset of he was speaking on her behalf too. She may be giving you some space to grieve.

So sorry to see the news about your mum,if you need any support there are quite a few of us on another thread.Please join us if we can help at all.here

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum.

It's surprising who does and doesn't respond in an acceptable way. Someone who repeatedly pretended she hadn't seen me is a GP... i haven't forgiven her if I'm honest

I think that people who are trained somehow have that natural response, which is so comforting to the bereaved or suffering, trained out of them.

Do you think you could have a word with her? Doesn't have to be heavy - though tbf this is the one time when any behaviour is tolerated. YOu could say 'it has hurt me that I haven't heard from you personally'. It's a risk because she may be crap and make it worse. Could you speak to your BIL or someone else in the family who might have a word with her?

OP I am sorry about your mum. I could have written your post almost word for word, except it was my Dad who died very suddenly. My SIL didn't send a card or speak to me for over a year after it happened. She lives overseas (Europe) so she couldn't physically come and see us. She has a history of being very flaky (never remembers birthdays, Christmas etc) and her behaviour after my Dad died just seemed to be an extension of this. I was incredibly angry and upset and my DH was as well. However, I chose not to say anything because I didn't think it would achieve anything, but we did stop sending her and her family birthday/christmas presents. This was over 4 years ago and this Christmas my DH got a tearful call from her saying she can't understand why she has lost touch with her family. He told her then that maybe if she remembered birthdays or sent condolences that people might be inclined to stay in touch. It seemed to hit a nerve because both my DCs got birthday presents from her for the first time ever.

I would concentrate on yourself and your grief at the moment (it does get better). If you say something to her, is there anything she can say that would make it right? I doubt it. I would tell your DH how you are feeling though as this alone will probably make you feel a bit better.

My condolences, what a dreadful shock.
There will be many things to think about. I understand why you feel let down and hurt. I can only say, many others will be there for you and offer that degree of support she seems unable to give you.
If SIL's OH has reached out it could be she herself is already exercising some detachment in readiness for her work. I would hope she can learn to differentiate between personal and professional. Perhaps in the long term she will prove more supportive than she is now.

Please focus on yourself, take one day at a time and grieve at your own pace.

So sorry to hear about your mother.

Maybe your SIL assumes your BIL spoke on behalf of both of them, and is waiting until she sees you next to say something properly?

As other people have said, it is really easy when one's just been bereaved to feel terribly hurt when other people don't do or say exactly the right thing... usually it is transferred emotion from the bereavement so try not to let it dictate your future relationship.

I am so sorry for your loss

I truly feel for you, and urge you to take care of yourself. Try not to think about how others are reacting. Give your own emotions full rein. Remember your lovely Mum, and how much she loved you.

When my precious husband died, far too young, I was overwhelmed by the love and understanding from most people. Many who hardly even knew us. At the same time, I became aware that there were some people who seemed unable to face me. One lady, who has lived in the same road for many years, would actually cross over if she saw me. My immediate neighbours have, to this day, never even acknowledged that he has gone. I`ve given up caring why. They are unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Surround yourself with the love from those offering it readily, and don`t even dwell on the others. I am thinking of you.

My Dad died recently, so I sympathise with you deeply and understand your hurt. All I can say is that people can be completely hopeless at dealing with death. One good freind said to my DH "well you've got to move on haven't you?" referring to me THE DAY MY DAD DIED. It has come as a shock. You will find that you really value the people who mention it and talk to you. After a few weeks no-one mentioned it to me, other than others who had been through it recently too. It makes people very uncomfortable. Particularly English people ime. Hopefully SIL will say or do something kind soon to help you feel better about it, if not I think your DH should have a gentle word.

Wow! how lovely (and wise) you all are, you all make some really good points. I will try not to dwell on it and think how best to handle her at a later date. Thank you so much for all your thought wishes and condolences.