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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU.. dp going out

95 replies

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 18:29

hi there, background is: dp and i been together a yr. i have a 3 yr old dd from previous relationship (dd does see her dad regularly) dp doesnt live with us but we are planning on getting a place together later in the year.

anyway, dp went out last night. heavy one and got home at 8am. we had arranged on fri that dp would take me to the supermarket today (i dont yet drive) i hadn't heard from him this morning but i decided to go first thing anyway as i didnt want to wait around for him. did shopping, took dd to park afterwards. got a call at 2, had a chat, he had a great night, all fine. i assumed we would be seeing him this eve, so i invited him round for dinner. he said that he would need to sleep as too tired. i feel pissy but not sure why, and just wondering how others would feel? it is hard and lonely being a single parent, as dp and i are planning on moving in together im expecting him to, i dunno... prioritize us. i feel a bit hurt and rejected. i also feel deeply resentful (unreasonable i know) that he can go out on a bender and i cant. am i being over the top? thank you for reading.

OP posts:

sarahseashell · 27/01/2013 18:58

8am? what's that all about did he stay at a mates or something?

did you mention about the supermarket and did he apologise for not giving you a lift as previously arranged? (good that you went on your own though)

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 19:04

yeah there was a party after the club at one of his mates houses, it was a birthday do. i immediately said i'd already been to the supermarket and he said 'oh cool' (he was on his way round to get me wen he called) i dunno if it is that he didn't take me thats bothering me, as i thought it would turn into a messy one so kind of sensed i couldnt rely on him this morn! its that he didnt come round after to see me / us...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2013 19:08

I'll probably get yelled at for this, but are you sure a man who likes partying until 8am is ready to move in with a woman with a young family?

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 19:08

I don't think yabu. I think yabu for feeling resentful as it is not his fault you have a child and I'm assuming that you are free to do as you want within the constraints of having a child. But not unreasonable to be annoyed that he let you down.

I think it would depend on whether this was a one off or he does things like this regularly. Everyone can go out and have one too many and it ruins the next day, I've done it and stayed out all night pre child. But now I have a child I wouldn't really want to be with somebody who regularly prioritizes boozey nights, and/or frequently let me down on plans because of it.

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 19:11

Oh ok so he was still going to take you to the supermarket? That makes it much less of an issue then imo.

But I kind of agree with Imperial too.

I can see why you'd be a bit miffed that he wasn't coming round but I think it really depends on how things are generally.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 19:18

I have a family and (very occassionaly) go out partying until all hours. If its a once in a blue moon outing then its not really an issue imo.

He was still going to take you to the supermarket, you assumed he was coming tonight but he hadn't said anything about it and he wanted to catch up on his sleep, I can't see he has done anything wrong really.

sooperdooper · 27/01/2013 19:21

As a one off, although I'd be annoyed he didn't call sooner as he'd promised you a lift, I don't think it's that bad

I don't think it's fair to feel annoyed that he can go out like that and you can't, he doesn't have the responsibility of a child, so really there's no reason he can't go out whenever he wants

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 19:24

just putting dd to bed then will respond,,, thank you so far x

OP posts:

ladyintheradiator · 27/01/2013 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 20:04

this is the first time he has done this since we've been together. when its been the 2 of us going out, well im a lot less hardcore than he is and we go home at 3 or something (as i have picking my dd up the next afternoon always at the back of my mind!)

my underlying fear though, is that this party lifestyle is still v attractive to him (he used to be a big party animal before i met him) and i don't feel we are 'enough' for him if he needs to go out to this extent.... that is my fear, as i cant partake in this level of partying (due to dd)

sooperdooper i get what you mean, but if we lived together, i would not be ok with him going out whenever he wanted, as living together means being a family (to me) so theres financial responsibilty there. of course once in a while is ok, but not behaving as a free person, basically.

OP posts:

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 20:11

How old are you both, just wondering?

izzyizin · 27/01/2013 20:12

Have you talked to him about your concerns and expectations if you live together?

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 20:19

i am almost 30, he is 36. (do we sound young??)

i have talked to him about expectations, about what i want, i.e. not a boyfriend who i live with who dips in and out of our lives as he pleases, but a 'life partner' (for want of a better word) who shares parenting, domesticity, it all. he agrees it is what he wants. part of me thinks, you don't know what you are getting yourself in for!! (he has no children)

i havent spoken to him about going out specifically, as it has not been an issue before.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 20:21

also, do you think i should just write this off or talk about it? i can see its not a very big deal as its only happened once. but.. im the kind of person if i have something on my chest i have to get it out.. but i can see i'd need to just flag it up to his attention without it being an 'issue'.. do you think that sounds sensible or not?

OP posts:

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 20:26

No, I just wondered, if you'd said he was 21 I might have thought hmm... Although I do realise age doesn't necessarily come into it.

I think it's a good thing that you know what you want and expect out of the relationship and have discussed it. I think his actions will speak volumes and you'll be able to tell soon enough if he's ready for settling down.

izzyizin · 27/01/2013 20:27

It's happened 'once' in how long? Is this the first and only time?

If it is the first time he's gone on a bender of this magnitude, you could refer to humorously along the lines of 'you've given yourself a good send off prior to entering the joys of the monastery being committed to family life - as we've previously discussed etc etc'.

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 20:35

Really hard to say going on what you've said so far. I think others here will be able to offer more practical advice. Is it the first time he hasn't come over when you thought he might, and you've ended up feeling a bit hurt? Do you see him often? Is he generally reliable and does what he says he'll do?

The most important thing I would be looking for is his actions rather than what he says.

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 20:36

we've been together a year. he went on holiday with friends in the summer and had a crazy one, but that was a festival that was booked before we got together, and i knew about it, and it didn't feel like it was implicating our lives, so to speak. since then we have discussed and made plans to move in, which makes this behaviour (albeit a one off) ring alarm bells in me.

what do other people do with regards to boundaries in going out, in relationships? it feels like a grey area as he is not dd's father. on the one hand he has responsibility and commitment if we live together, on the other it feels weakened as he is not dd's dad.. wheres the line?? whats the rule?!

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatepuff · 27/01/2013 20:40

sparklyjumper he is actually very reliable and dependable, has shown these things very much since we have been together. he was still going to take me to the supermarket today (at the last minute!) but its more the fact i felt he should have come to see me / us this afternoon. i know im making a massive deal out of this, just cant seem to shake the resentment, hurt. maybe im still reeling in pain from previous relationship with dd's dad.. im so pissed off and sad that i am doing this on my own, and i want my partner to be here with me, sharing it.

OP posts:

sarahseashell · 27/01/2013 20:43

are you planning to have dcs with him eventually? you're wise to think about all this now and I'd give it at least another year from the time you were planning to move in together until you actually move in with him, and see how he behaves over time/how frequently this sort of thing happens, so you can think about whether it's right for you or not.

I'm quite surprised he didn't take you up on the offer of dinner given that he has a hangover

sarahseashell · 27/01/2013 20:43

x post. what happened with dd's dad, if you don't mind my asking?

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 20:45

It really depends on the individuals. There aren't really any limits as such are there? I think it depends on whether they are responsible and not going out spending all the money, whether you trust them, whether their nights out are ruining the following day and quality time together, whether they are supportive to you, so say if you had an emergency would they be there. But I think if you are going to live together ultimately you do become a family and to say 'oh but they're not dc father' is a bit of a cop out.

Numberlock · 27/01/2013 20:46

Would you normally see him on a Sunday? How much time do you spend apart in an average week? Even if you live together, you should both be planning to spend time independently of each other, not living in ech other's pockets. Be careful that you don't make this guy your be all and end all, he sounds like a decent guy to me.

izzyizin · 27/01/2013 20:48

There are no set 'rules' or 'lines'; it's what each couple are happy/comfortable with and it would be unrealistic to imagine that you're going to be totally joined at the hip and only socialise as a couple after you've moved in together.

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 20:50

I don't think you're making a massive deal out of nothing, I completely understand your fears/concerns and how the lines can seem blurred when you have a relationship not with dc father. I suppose because ultimately you don't feel as though you can place the same expectation as you would the dc father, but yet somehow there is still an expectation.

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