I can't push for divorce coz I'm too soft...

[cushion53]

I have been with my DH for 25 years and we have 2 teenage children, twins. Things started to go wrong when they were born and he was useless, in fact worse than useless he did nothing to help and got drunk a lot of the time. Those first few weeks were hell for me he refused even to give his new DD a bath I did everything and had to go back to work full time. I started hating him then. Problems really began when we had the mad idea for him to give up his job 8 years ago to become a house husband. I've always worked full time and earn far far more than he ever can. He left his job as we moved house far from my work so he was there to do school runs etc.
It's complicated as we live in a foreign country, I am from UK he is not. Basically he has done nothing in the last 8 years and we have grown so far apart. I hate his values hate that he is a terrible role model to his son, (lies by the swimming pool smoking and drinking coffee while we all work round him).
I asked him to move out 10 months ago and set him up in a lovely flat, paid for everything. He has done nothing but moan about how miserable he is, how much he misses us etc, keeps putting pressure on me to let him come back, go out for drinks etc. He sees the kids every day still does the school run.
I just want shot of him but I can't afford to keep paying for the flat and he contributes nothing to my life.
The trouble is if I push for divorce here he will not be able to stay in the country as he can't support himself and he won't see the kids, not that they give two hoots. Am I trapped for the rest of my days supporting this loser?? Help!

Am I trapped for the rest of my days supporting this loser?

As I see it, no-one can help you if you're not prepared to harden your heart and do what you should have done years ago, namely divorce the idle fucker.

What a dreadful role model he's been, and is, for your dc and, while you allow this unsatisfactory state of affairs to continue, you're not exactly giving them a positive message about marriages/relationships, are you?

Thank you so much izzyizin you are right.

"The trouble is if I push for divorce here he will not be able to stay in the country as he can't support himself and he won't see the kids, not that they give two hoots. " - this doesn't look like a problem to me, OP, it looks like a get-out-of-jail free card. Divorce him safe in the knowledge that you'll be on the receiving end of a clean break.

No thanks needed, honey, and I can only hope you've got what it takes to do what you know you have to do if you don't want to have this millstone dragging you down into old age.

Who knows? If he's not got you to call on to fund his life of ease, he might just get it together to start supporting himself in order to remain in the same country as his dc.

But, if not, tough titty just desserts for him - and a considerable increase in available dosh for you.

Would he move to the UK or a different country?
Would you stay in the country you are now in, and keep the children with you? Assuming that they would want to stay with you?

I should say I dont know anything about this stuff, but I would thought matters are complicated by the fact that the op and her DH are different nationalities?
Even if not legally,[and I dont know], but emotionally.

amillion... he can live in the UK his brother and sister are there.

I can stay here as long as I have a job and I have a very secure one. The kids will definitely want to stay here they love the life, but if they chose otherwise I won't stand in their way.

"I asked him to move out 10 months ago and set him up in a lovely flat, paid for everything"

Why did you enable him like this; enabling only gave you a false sense of control and has not helped you either. You are not responsible for him although you think you are; you sound codependent.

You need to harden your heart and now do what you should have done years ago i.e divorce this waste of space as of now.

Also you need to consider what you have taught your children to date about relationships because both of you have taught them some very damaging lessons. Also your children won't thank you either for staying with their deadbeat dad.

'Who knows? If he's not got you to call on to fund his life of ease, he might just get it together to start supporting himself'

Hit the nail on z head there

If he moved to the UK, would you then stop supporting him?

Do you children know anything of all this?

Yes the kids know everything. DD is happy when he isn't around DS doesn't say much. I wouldn't support him if he moved away his family could. Just looked up co dependancy sounds right. I worry terribly about the negative affect on the kids, he doesn't see that there is a problem, it's all my fault he hasn't done 'anything bad to me'.

The h is an adult and, as such, he should be supporting himself in whatever country he may be amillion.

It seems to me the OP has cushioned him from the harsh reality of needing to earn a crust in order to keep the roof over his head for far too long and it's now time for her to cut him loose and let him fend for himself.

With regard to the teenage dc, it's highly unlikely they're not aware of the state of tension play between their dps and, from what the OP has said, it's equally unlikely they will opt to live with their df.

I have no doubt the OP will facilitate contact for her dc by means of skype and flights should he go to live in another country - and I suspect she will still be quids in after travel costs are paid for.

It's worth noting that if the OP married in the UK, she may find it more advantageous financially to sue for divorce here should this option be available to her.

izzy, do you know me???

We married in the country we now live in but in a church under UK law. However in this country men who do not support their families are not looked upon very favourably. I didn't act earlier as he always threatened to take the kids away and he'd get scary. Now they are too big to kidnap!

Thank you all so much for comments really helping me tonight xx

In an ideal world, yes izzyizin.
But he isnt going to, from what the op has said.
If he moves to the UK, I cant see him turning over a new leaf.

As regards the kids, you say teens. Teens can be anywhere for 13 to 19.
It sounds like they would opt to stay with you.
Presumably, they would want to go visit their dad often if he was in the UK?

tbh, I am not sure where I am going as regards this thread.
And not really sure what my opinion on what is best is.
I think it partly depends on how old the children are.
If young teens? if older teens, they may start to be thinking of moving out or onwards themselves soon too.