Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

he's left but insists on keeping the key!

25 replies

sistersledge · 24/04/2006 10:21

Hi all,

Looking for some advice for my sister please...her husband has recently left her & 2 boys (4yrs & 6yrs) in Jan. Ex is refusing to hand back the key & has this weekend physically removed a second lock she had fitted to the inside door.

He is saying that as long as he pays the mortgage he is keeping the key!?

Anyone knows where she stands please?

She is in touch with a solicitor on a regular basis but the situation with this doesn't appear to be clarified.

OP posts:

LIZS · 24/04/2006 10:29

Suspect unless he is threatening or abusive he cannot be forced to give up the key especially if he is on the mortgage and deeds.

panicpants · 24/04/2006 10:31

She can change the actual locks, not just fit an extra lock. I did this when exdh moved out.

I did it myself, the replacement lock cost me around £25.

Caligula · 24/04/2006 10:33

He wants to have his cake and eat it. I'd change all the locks and if he tries to remove them, call the police.

pepperpots · 24/04/2006 10:33

I got the locks changed when xp left.Before i did he used to turn up early hours in the morning and just let himself in

Caligula · 24/04/2006 10:35

Lots of men do this when they leave. It's so that they can make the woman they left still feel under their control and it's vile.

Original poster

sistersledge · 24/04/2006 10:38

thanks for all the rapid advice!! I think she is too afraid to change the lock but will let her know what you have all said...unfortunately she doesn't know her way aroound a computer otherwise I am sure she would find this of great comfort & help to chat here thanks again

OP posts:

tissy · 24/04/2006 10:39

don't know what the legal situation is, but suggest that your sister keeps all important documents, such as passports, birth certificates elsewhere until the house is secure.

Original poster

sistersledge · 24/04/2006 10:42

Good point hadn't thought of that

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 24/04/2006 13:02

I'm afraid Lizs is right, if they are married and his name is on the mortgage and deeds then legally she is not allowed to change the locks without him having a key. My cousin went through something similar a few years back, his ex left him after just three months of marriage and continually kept coming back to the house while he was out and taking things, crockery etc which they had had as wedding presents. When my cousin went to see a solicitor, he was told that as she was his wife and her name was on the deeds (even though he was paying the mortgage) she had a legal right to be able to gain access to the house.

What I would suggest is that your sister deadlock the house at night, i.e. if it's a yale lock, she can push up the little button that you use to unlatch the door which will men that no-one can open it from the outside. if he tries to break in then she can call the police and say that he is threatening her, and may be able to get a restraining order or something similar that way.

mygirllolipop · 24/04/2006 13:59

My mam and dad have recently split up and when my mam went to a solicitor he said that although my dad didn't live there anymore (he'd given the key back) he still had a right to if he wanted. So mam's now getting a divorce and until that's sorted out he could live there anytime he wants.
Do agree though that he's prob just doing it for control and to make your sis feel crap.
Hope this situation sorts itself out for your sis.

Caligula · 24/04/2006 14:10

Oh who cares what the law is. I'm not normally one for advocating lawlessness, but in this case, technically of course she's not allowed to change the locks, but who is going to stop her? He could take her to court to force her to give him a key, but his solicitor would probably advise him that this is a bit of a waste of time and money, particularly if she puts in writing that she has had to change the locks as he no longer lives there and his bizarre intrusive behaviour was having an effect on her feeling of safety.

Her solicitor hasn't spelled it out because she doesn't want to give her the advice to break the law (she's not allowed to). But she knows that if she does, it's unlikely the guy will be able to do anything about it.

The other thing she can do, is put a bolt on. Again the fact the it's his house doesn't give him carte blanche to break it, legally.

coppertop · 24/04/2006 14:16

At the very least I think she should consider leaving the key(s) in the lock(s) whenever she is at home. That way the husband will be unable to use his own keys.

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. :(

nutcracker · 24/04/2006 14:27

Haven't read whole thread as am on way out but, have recently gone through this with XP.

Our house is owned by HA and we were joint tennents so I couldn't make him give the keys back.

Eventually i persuaded him to give them to me only for him to pinch them when i wasn't looking.

Anyway in the end i changed the lock, got my dad to do it. Xp wasn't amused but hasn't taken it any further.

I would change locks.

fransmom · 24/04/2006 17:33

definitely get her to chnage the locks sistersledge. it might cost a few bob, but what's that compared to peace of mind when she's had to go out shopping? could she get an injunction to stop him coming near the house? maybe it might be easier if she does get extra locks fitted then she can't be accused of changing the locks deliberately to keep him out.

it is a good idea to keep all important docs in a safe place til everyhting sorted out, maybe she can keep them with you?

hth

Original poster

sistersledge · 26/04/2006 16:28

Ok I will try to persuade her to change the lock but I know she will be very worried of his reaction to this.

She has the added problem that at the moment ocassionally when he has access to the children she is out at work(p/t job a couple of hrs at the weekend), he is at times insisting that he stays in the house with them as he says he has no where else to take them (he's staying with a work collegaues family). If she changes the lock then he will not be able to leave the house at all with the boys as he won't be able to secure it. I have heard there are neutral centres for access visits but if in reality he has a right to gain entry to the house she may not be able to prevent him spending time in the house with the boys......?

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 26/04/2006 21:14

agree with Caligula - he would have to go to court to get keys to your house & if he's left & you let him see kids, judge would probably say bad luck to him

I replaced my lock recently as the old one broke

H left Nov
today sent me an email saying he is "sad" that I have changed the lock - I only changed one - he still has a key to the house AND I let him in the house with the kids while I was out for the day

god knows why he wants a key to my house - I dont have one to his

Caligula · 26/04/2006 21:15

Control. Keeping a foot in the door. Letting you know he still has rights.

Aimsmum · 26/04/2006 21:18

Agree with everyone else, she really has to change the locks. I would hate to be in the position of knowing he could enter my house whenever he felt like it.

It is definately all about control.

mistressmiggins · 26/04/2006 22:00

thats why I changed mine when it "broke"

although my H doesnt live in same town, I didnt like the thought that while at work, he could drive up & come in the house.
Hes made it clear he doesnt want to come back so I havent given him the new key

I think Caligula that you're right - its control even though hes left

Original poster

sistersledge · 27/04/2006 10:15

ok spoke to sis again about it last night she is planning to leave the key in the lock on the inside when she's there so that he' can't just enter the house for now.

But what about the fact that he wants to stay in the house when he does the weekly visit to the boys? (The timings & regularity of these visits are all controlled by him presently!) As I say sis is sometimes at work when he does this so in theory he may need a key as otherwise he is completely stuck in the house with no way of securing it...say in an emergency...just trying to think of the excuses he may come up with for needing a key.

I think I will suggest that she says her lock 'broke' as the reason to change it...good one!!!

Why oh why do people have to be so horrible !!! OK he's left but I wish he'd just cut the grief he's giving her out !

OP posts:

eefs · 27/04/2006 10:50

or she lost her keys so needs to change the locks for safety?

SoupDragon · 27/04/2006 10:52

I'm sure she could manage to "accidentally" snap her key in the lock so she legitimately has to get them changed. No lies involved at all then :)

onelife · 28/04/2006 20:39

This is not about keys it is about CONTROL. Your sister has got to assert herself or he will push her over every matter that comes up. It is very tempting to compromise or lie to avoid confrontation especially in front of the kids but it works against you in the end. I have had six months of hell since I left my partner, I have had to really toughen up and break habits it took years to establish about giving in to pressure in order to keep the peace. My ex wanted a similar arrangement for similar reasons to your sisters partner and I am so glad I did not allow it to happen. The days when he gets to tell her what to do are OVER. I do not say this lightly, I completely understand how hard it is to acheive but God has it has been worth it for my peace of mind and self esteem. Your sister must do what she is happy with and what makes her comfortable or else she will be living a life more stressful and miserable than the one she had before.

Also, good for you for supporting your sister, the support I get from my family means to world to me.

Charlene1 · 02/05/2006 21:12

If she leaves her keys in the lock, her dh could get them through the letterbox - or a burglar could. just a thought, but he's guilty of criminal damage by taking the lock off when he doesn't live there - doesn't matter if he pays for it - if a landlord did that, they'd be arrested.

fransmom · 04/05/2006 10:32

how's your sister today, sistersledge?

Flip