to expect my own mother to believe me regarding "abuse"

[Nameforapost]

Hi,

I'm sorry but I have name changed for this post - for obvious reasons which follow.

I have always had a rocky relationship with my mother, ranging from us being best friends to us barely speaking. So recently we both wanted to mend things and have both been making an effort to make our relationship work.

When I was younger I had some issues. I used to cry a lot (for no apparent reason) which was frustrating to my mother. In my teenage years, I used to cut myself although my mother is still not aware of this.

A few years ago I confided in my mother about something which happened when my brother and I were both in our early 20s. I went to stay over at his place. Despite having a sofa, he suggested we slept in the same bed. He was worried that he flat mates may need the sofa. I went under the duvet and he held me very close, bringing by body next to his to the point that I was uncomfortable. I then saw that he was wearing only his boxers. At this point I was totally shocked. I left the bed and went to sleep on the floor. I didn't sleep all night and since then we have avoided each other. When I told my mother, her first comment was that she did not believe me. Then she asked for loads of details - date, time, why I was there, whether I was the one who "instigated" things. We ended up falling out over this. My mother also refused to confront my brother over this.

More recently, I brought this up again. I also told her of another incident which she remembered in part - my brother had locked me in a room with him (I was 7, he was 10) and somehow broke the lock. My mom remembered that. The reason I was locked in the room was because he was touching me. He had literally torn off my knickers and was prodding me. When we finally got out of the room, I was crying but everyone assumed it was because of the broken lock. On this incident, my mother said that if I did not say anything at the time it was because I was equally guilty. She also said that I had a long time to bring this up - so why now.

So tonight my mother is going on about how my brother is a perfect man. My family is very religious and so is he. I told my mother - he is not perfect. She accused me of having a dirty mind regarding these incidents. She then started bring up stuff I had said as a teenager when I said I wanted to try sex. I told her obviously not with my own brother.

Mother and I are cold at the moment. I don't know what to do regarding our relationship. I just don't know what to do going forward. I don't know if my brother abused me or if it is me being difficult. I'm really hurt.

You need to talk to someone . Please ring Childline. They are not only there for children, but they will be able to tell you how to get the help you deserve. They will not judge you, they will believe every word you say.
This is not your fault. You coud not help what was happening, but you do need to find the courage to make that first call so that you can have the help you need.
I wish you strength. X

OP please call child line, rape crisis or the samaritans - you need to talk to a human not share all this with cyber strangers x

I agree with LayMizzRarb: you need some counseling and help. You are looking for your mother to hear you and validate you and, unfortunately, she is not going to do it. I don't know why: perhaps she just can't bring herself to believe her son was a fucking monster.

Repeated attempts to try and get your mother to acknowledge your pain will only result in more pain. Please try to find help from someone else. It won't be the same as your own mother believing you and loving you, but it should help.

Best wishes for you. XOXO

From what you described - yes. It was abuse. It invaded your personal space deliberately and made you feel uncomfortable, and tearing off your knickers to "prod" you is just shocking.

It doesn't matter whether she believes you or not. You need to be the one to know whether or not this happened. iif you're 100% sure this happened then you don't need her to believe you. You just need to believe in yourself.

The relationship with your mother is never going to heal, especially if she's pretending that nothing happened to you. I have absolutely no advice on that other than to stick to your guns and if she brings it up again, tell her you know the truth and change the subject.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but I'm betting you're a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Message me if you ever need to chat xx

Maybe here is a good start. . .

Maybe you need to leave your mother out of it and tackle the situation with your brother as you see fit. It looks like she either can't or won't sort this out for you, and I have to be honest and say I can see that this would be difficult for her to do.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic - I understand that this must be a horrible situation to be in and well done for having the courage to write it down here. I hope that you'll find some answers and work out what to do next.

For what it's worth,I believe you.

Please get some trained help in dealing with this,none of this was your fault and you will need help to come to terms with it.

OP my DM is like this. Im sorry you are going through this. A male cousin of mine was 15 and i was 10 when he would come into my room (this was in another country. Me DB and our mum and dad were holidaying in their house.) He would come into my room and kiss me as in forcing his tongue in my mouth.He would try to make me put his arms around him but i would let my arms just drop to my sides. This was over the course of 2 weeks almost 30 years ago.
But i got to get on a plane back to the uk and havent seen him since. I remember talking to a priest about it at 14. I was getting older and more confused about what happened and all the priest wanted to know is "did you go to bed with him"
When i was 16 i told my dad and he said "there is no point in causing trouble over there now"
I used to think abuse meant they had to have touched you in a certain place or it wasnt abuse.
It wasnt until several months ago that i realised thats not the case.
When i was 17 i let a much older family friend (56) give me a lift home. He kept begging me for a kiss.
I was scared he was going to take me somewhere isolated but luckily he took me home.
I told my parents straight away that time but my mum blamed me saying i shouldnt have got into his car.
She conveniently forgot she used to leave me and DB round their house when we were kids so his wife could babysit us.
My mum has also let me down when it comes to support in my marriage. I think i have emotionally detatched because i dont feel anything like love.

I believe you OP Please ring rape crisis or Childline and talk to someone. xx

I would agree that speaking directly to your brother may be the way forward. He will know what was going on. It is possible that he was being abused and this was his way of showing you what was going on.

Thank you all for your replies.

KatyTheCleaningLady You are correct in saying that I was trying to get my mother to validate what happened. I know it happened. I was slightly Worried to speak to someone else about it in case I get the same response as from my mother.

I think all that happened is becoming an issue now because I am starting my own family. I will get proper counselling. I will call childlike when DP is away at work.

x

ClipClapClop and Achillea - I have not had a conversation with my brother since the latest incident. I stay out of his way. We do not speak and have not seen each other in ages.

The reason I was speaking to my mom about it lately is because I wanted her to promise me to never allow my brother in the same room as my children. She of course refused to make that promise.

You were abused and your mother's behaviour is inexcusable.

I wouldn't leave your DCs with her at all TBH.

My mother is similar in a way... she believed what I told her, but she made all these excuses for my uncle and wouldn't let me prosecute. It has taken me years to realise how disgusting her attitude is - as a teenager of course I just had to live with it.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

Nameforapst I'm so sorry about this. Of corse it was abuse. Of course you want your mother to recognise it.

But - for her to do so the she would have to accept that her other child is a sexual abuser. And that would be something extremely difficult for her to do. Aside from anything else she would have to wonder why. (Is it her fault? Did someone do something to him?) And she just can't let herself go there.

From what you've said I think she knows deep down. (I have a brother. He's a great bloke. He is also flawed in lots of ways - as am I. My parents will say things like "I was amazed how mature your brother was at gran's funeral." They would never say he is perfect. B ecause they know he isn't and are able to accept his imperfections and love him anyway.)

But your mother cannot accept your brother's imperfections. Because they are not about the fact that he picks his nose and eats it. They are much more serious. So she denies any imperfections in the hope that she never has to think about the truth.

Does that make any sense?

I believe you OP, why? because it is unfortunately very common btw young children in families, extended family and friends.

But in your 20's .....I would forget your mum and concentrate on finding someone to talk to. I would also speak directly to him and make him absolutely aware that YOU know WHAT he is.

i believe you too. You need to estrange yourself from them all. Bastards :(
im so sorry

fuzzpig - Maybe it's a blessing that DP's job is making us move far away from them so DM would not babysit or anything.

MummytoKatie - Thank you, ths makes sense. DM blames herself for not being there enough for bro when he was younger. I am also hers but somehow she doesn't blame herself.

MiniTheMinx - I know kids sometimes explore but it was not a case of show me yours and I'll show you mine. Maybe he did not realise what he did then as a kid. But later I was 20 and he was 22!!! My mother said he was trying to be "brotherly" affectionate. Right, in his underwear and trying to bring my body close.

Branleuse - I feel like this although I do love my mother.

You really need to talk to trained professional about this and get some help. I think you need to go through it with someone who has a great deal of experience in these matters. Who can try to help you find any memories, who can discover with you whether your mum is behaving like this because she knew or suspected and buried her head in the sand or whether she feels guilt that she didn't, maybe.

And yes, don't allow your children to be alone with him.

What he thinks about that, what your mother thinks about that, what anyone thinks about that - does not matter. Only your children matter and if there is any doubt in your mind - don't take a chance.

They can also explore with you whether you actually want any of them in your life. What they bring to your life. why exactly you need them in your life. Whether they deserve to be in it.

hello there
Not sure that AIBU is necessarily the right topic for this thread.
OP please let us know if you'd like us to move it to relationships for you
Thanks MNHQ

hello.
your brother abused you.
don't leave your children with him.
get counselling if you haven't already. (you've said you will, so that's good).

you don't need to see your brother ever again. what he's done makes it unreasonable that you should do so.
your mother can also be left aside. think of it as shelving that issue until you have been through the abuse and your reaction then and now with a counsellor.
just put them aside and see how you feel later.

i didn't have a similar situation, but my parents were strange with me and my dad was very cold. when daughter was born, it hurt a lot to see him acting the cosy grandad. having a child brought home to me how unkind my parents had been, and still are, to some extent. perhaps your thinking about having children has made you realise how bad this really was.

If the first incident happened when he was 10 it is possible that he was reenacting something that may have happened to him. It is a common symptom of abused children to express sexual behaviour. DM feels guilty for not being there more for him - have you asked her why she feels that?

I believe you, OP, and I'm so sorry - do get yourself some help asap, and don't look to your mother for validation, as she clearly can't allow herself to believe you, as that means she is in part responsible for the original abuse. (I think it's that as much as or more than the fact that she would have to believe that your brother is a sexual abuser.)

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for parents to refuse to believe their children in this kind of situation. I've never bothered telling my own mother about a one-off incident of childhood abuse that happened in an organisation my mother made me join and attend weekly despite me repeatedly begging not to go back - she would not be able to allow herself to believe me, as that would mean she was guilty of neglect. Also, she and my father allowed a known paedophile priest to visit our house weekly, because forbidding him access would have caused a scene.

Best wishes to you - be kind to yourself.

OP your DM doesnt WANT to believe it. Im glad you are going to ring an organisation to get some help.
I wouldnt leave DCs alone with her either.
I believe you.

Peevish i left Catholicism behind as soon as i left home. i wont even go inside a church anymore because their attitudes towards women and abuse survivors and the abuse that has been carried out by some priests them selves and the subsequent cover ups sickens me to the core.

Op mine did same, and it was a male relative. I was under 10 years old and he was totally inappropriate with me and my sibling.

Mum was too self-involved, and this relative was part of her social circle (always the party animal, she would leave us alone in house to go out...i statred babysitting when i was barely out of nappies myself), and we tried to tell her (dad was working away a lot and didnt want to know either) but she called us liars and attention seekers.

male relative is dead now and eventually mum listened (once we were adults) but still shrugged shoulders.

js stuff doesnt help does it, OP, can of worms cos of him.

Id cut contact or just leave things civil IMO as no matter what you say or do doesnt sound like shes ever going to relent and you need to carry on in life.

Hi there
After a request from the OP we are going to move this to our Relationships topic
Thanks
MNHQ