How long are we going to go on like this???

[workingonitagain]

Hi everyone

I need to some advice please
dp and i have been together for 8 years have 2 dc. Our relationship has always been very up and down and lot of bickering and arguing about small things but i have never doubted that dp loves me very much and he always made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of of life with me and that his family is everything. He is an excellent father to our kids.
I however feel that every time i think about him all i have is negative feelings about everything he deos and says and reacts to people and find myself constantly thinking about the things i don't like about him.
There is part of him that i like his kindness, generousity love for his family.
Our goal is to have a happy family and for our kids to be in a happy family (that neither of us had when we were young) that has always been our focus.
We have an argument about something stupid then wouldn't talk for days then make up then fall out again.
Our sex life is non existant (never been brilliant tho). our dc are very young both under 4 and we don't spend any thime together and have no help from outside but i feel that even if we had time together what would we talk about? Just feel sometimes we are trying to be nice to each other and talk about something increadibly boring.
Tonight we fall out again and he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore as our fights affects our children which i have been telling him for ages but his view always been that a complete family is always better for a child than one parent which i completely disagree and this is why is so desperate to make it work.
I feel he told me this as he doesn't know what to say any more (as im ususally the one who says this) and just want to hear that i love him and i do want to make this work but the reality is that im not sure how i feel any more and what we could do to make this work. we only just had the same conversation a week ago.
We've been thinking about dc3 and had a mmc in december that just shows how our relationship changes from one day to the other.
We have got to the stage now that i honestly don't know how we could make this better. We both are walking on eggshell every day trying to keep our mouth shut not to offend the other one then something goes and the result just doubles the argument. A lot of the time he means well and wants to make plans for us but he goes overboard with planning and doesn't realise that it's not right for us a family with small children then everyone gets disappointed and he gets upset and angry and thinks that i don't appreciate his efforts.
Started to wonder if some relationship thearapy would help us.
is there anyone who has gone through it and could tell me a bit more about it?
Sorry to go on for so long. Feel it helps a bit writing it all down as i don't have anyone to talk about thiskind of stuff

Any advice would be appreciated
Thank you

Goodness.... so many issues here... it sounds very complicated and all jumbled up together in your mind OP.

I think a few things stand out - that you overall seem to want to be together. That you are both very committed to your young family and love each other. That you are both trying to get on with each other and want to make it all work.

All of which sounds very positive, no?

But there are some issues: communication, how you handle arguments, time for each other, your sex life, perhaps getting some help and breaks, spending time as a family, spending time apart. Those seem to be the things that need working on?

I think as long as you both want to address these problems and reach a solution together by agreeing compromises, then there is hope. If you both equally get a say in resolving problems then you should be able to reach agreements. If you are not listening and talking then it won't work.

Relationship counselling is very dependent on the quality of the counsellor you get to see. I think it can be good to clarify what you need to talk about though. Individual counselling can be really good too.

Hi op. electric sheep has some really great points.

As for your question - how long it will last? As long as you want it to. What do you talk about? How to fix your marriage.

I agree that you both seem to want to save the relationship. And you won't save it without that. So that is a great start. You just have actually changing what you are doing (walking on egg shells) to planning how to fix it.

Counselling will be a great thing. Certainly better then what is happening. And you can learn how to communicate with each other better.

hi ElectricSheep and Aussiebean thanks very much that really summs up what i had in my mind but as you said i find out it difficult to look at the bigger picture and keep getting lost in the small stuff.
i agree we are awful at handling arguments as both are very stubborn.
i realised that for some reason i find it difficult to actually be nice or say nice things to my loved ones (incl my mum) but i have no problem complimenting friends etc. really not sure why this is but it has always been like this.
my dp is not the most secure person and i think he (as im sure everyone else) really does need some nice words or just a compliment.
i think i've been so focusing on the kids that i've been completely ignoring him and his needs/feelings.
So this week i've been focusing on listening to him and making small gestures like buying his favourite breakfast or getting his lunch ready and i think he noticed it and it's all been a lot more calm and just generally nice in the house.
i don't know why i haven't realised this up to now but i'll make a conscious effort from now on and hopefully he'll be more relaxed and more fun just like he used to be.
We are off for a dinner today, MIL will babysit. We've not been out on our own since the kids were born so it's all exciting and im really looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your advice and i hope we'll get stronger from here xxx