I was going to write a post about the practicalities of decoupling contact and childcare. But actually what I think I need help and advice on is more the overall disengagement from exH. I thought I'd done it but I've clearly let him creep back in to my life and he's dragging me down again.
I'm waiting for the decree absolute in my divorce from a feckless, spendthrift, functional alcoholic exH. It took me a long time to get him out of the house and living without him over the months since he left has been an utter, utter, joyous relief.
I have a a mix of good nursery and childminding arrangements but exH still technically covers the gap between the childminder drop off at 1930 (although she's a good friend and will generally stay at my house until I get back) and my getting home at 2030. This is meant to be daily contact time with DC (4yrs) with more at the weekend.
There are two problems with this.
First, it takes place at my house as he's moved into a party-heavy flatshare which is totally unsuitable for children. (There are no family within easy visiting distance on either side.) To begin with, he just played with DD which was fine. Gradually, this has escalated until he now he eats and drinks here, often washes his clothes, plays on the computer and takes naps at the weekend!
Second, he treats contact with our DC as a "favour" to me rather than an opportunity to see his child. I correct this but it's still such an ingrained part of his mindset that he doesn't understand the point I'm making. Nor does he have any appreciation of the fact that I arrange all childcare, pay for "extra" childcare outside the normal pattern and use the majority of my leave every year to cover gaps.
It came to an argument this evening after "words" last night when he took out anger about a work situation on me and tried to make his money issues into my problem yet again. When I objected to how he spoke to me last night, he stormed off rather than playing with DD and later rang to apologise. Because he had apologised, as usual, today he expected everything to be "normal".
Tonight I tried to talk to him about resolving the way we interact and told him that we needed a more structured contact arrangement with definite times and limited exposure to one another. I also told him that he should be ashamed of taking advantage of my hospitality and then behaving so badly. (I regret this now - there is no point in talking to him. It only highlights to him the fact that he can still hurt me.)
It evolved into a tired round of the same old accusations. He said last night's rudeness was just a one-off because he was stressed and why can't I just forget it, I'm mad, unstable, nasty, have treated him appallingly, have mental health issues etc.. (Funny none of this has ever come up with friends, family or in my work psychological assessments. I'm actually seen as dependable, rational and calm to the point of dullness.)
In the absence of any other evidence, I've never believed a word of what he says but the problem is that he still draws me into a conversation about my alleged problems and sidesteps the issue we're actually meant to be resolving. The things he says are so absurd that it's hard not to respond to them.
Tonight, I closed the conversation down by saying that our opinions of each other were all rather academic at this stage. We agreed in the end that he would accept whatever reasonable contact arrangement I proposed.
I can easily draw up a new contact plan on paper which involves me seeing exH less. But I'm clearly having problems with enforcing boundaries and isn't going to just go away.
I also can't deny that I'm worried about his influence on and care for our child in my absence. My dad stayed with me recently and pointed out to me that it wasn't normal to nap so much in the daytime, never mind at your ex-wife's house. ExH was clearly either drunk or hungover and not fit to be in charge of a child. Somehow I'd stopped consciously seeing this.
Separately, a friend agreed with me that exH loved DC but then added "but not enough to sort himself out and take care of her". My dad and my friend were both saying what I hadn't been able to admit earlier - unless another adult was there, I'm not confident that he will take good care of DC. By allowing contact in my house while I'm there, or our childminder is still there, I've let myself avoid facing this.
I don't often feel like talking to people IRL about personal stuff but tonight I'm very close to calling family or friends and telling them that this is getting me down. They all know what he's like in outline and no one was surprised or upset about the split but the specifics have never really come out.
I wish there was an expert I could talk to. I'm hoping it will seem clearer in the morning.