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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was everyone's dad this weird or is it just mine? (Abuse?)

74 replies

MrsPurr · 26/01/2013 21:00

When I was younger, my dad, when he used to come in to say goodnight, used to come in and lay flat on top of me, while I was on my back, and sort of squash me. He also used to slobber on my cheek/in my ear and say, 'Will you be my girlfriend?' He used to do the slobber/girlfriend routine in front of my mum and she never said anything. This happened throughout my teens but stopped I think when I got my first serious boyfriend - which my dad was weird about, he was very aggressive with me but perhaps that was normal teenage girls and their dads stuff.
I have racked my brains but I don't think there was any actual abuse. Our relationship has been fine since I left home.
Is this normal, slightly over the line weird stuff, or totally freaking weird? Please talk to me honestly about what your dads were like with you.
I worry about it now as I'm pregnant with a girl and I am probably over thinking but don't want anything to happen to her. But perhaps I am totally over-reacting. I have a 3 yr old DS and my dad adores him but comes out with some odd comments. He's called him things like 'sexy legs' - when he was a baby! - which is odd. And can be quite cold to him when he's having a tantrum/screaming etc, saying to me, 'Leave it to me, I'll deal with him because I don't CARE!' - he acts like he's joking when he says this but it's not very funny. At Xmas we left DS with my parents to go to the cinema - when I got back DS was screaming his head off and Mum was sheepish. I think it was just a pre bedtime tantrum but I feel odd about it.
Last week we were all out for lunch and looking at my six month pregnant body, my dad said, out if nowhere, 'What happened to your tits?' (I guess he meant they looked smaller cos of my bump?) He was quite drunk and it felt pretty aggressive. Just to give you an idea of some if the weird comments he comes out with.
Probably just pregnancy hormones but I would welcome your perspective. To what extent is it normal for dads to flirt with their daughters? (And of course, if my DP did anything like that to our DD is kick him out - but he never would - I have married a completely different man from my dad!)

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/01/2013 21:42

In no way normal to have dad "flirting", urgh. It's not an overreaction. How would you feel in the future if your son came to you saying grandad had behaved like that to him? Awful I would guess.

OhToBeCleo · 26/01/2013 21:43

Have you discussed any of this with your DH? As this involves his children too he has a right to know.

Corygal · 26/01/2013 21:43

Ugh. Paedo - just cos your mum did nothing, doesn't mean yr DF's behaviour was OK.

Lucky escape - but watch him round the children. I mean, really watch him & don't leave them in the same room alone.

toddlerama · 26/01/2013 21:45

Don't leave DS with him either. Just don't.

izzyizin · 26/01/2013 21:45

What you've described is abnormal, unacceptable, and sexually abusive behaviour on the part of your father both historically and in the present day.

I'm another who, regardless of gender, wouldn't leave a dc in his/your dm's care for any length of time and I would suggest you heed the advice given not to leave your dc with them - not even while you 'nip to the shops' or some such outing of short duration.

If you don't intend to cease visiting your dps, I would suggest you pull your f on each and every occasion he makes inappropriate remarks of a sexual nature and on those occasions he makes threatening remarks which are intended to scare your dc, or anyone else for that matter, into compliance, no matter how 'jokingly' he says them.

A baby with 'sexy legs'? It's extremely worrying that anyone could make such a remark about an infant and, no matter what excuse or reason your f may give for using such terms, disapproving of such remarks is not poliitical correctness gone mad - it's commonsense displayed by dps who have no wish for their dc to be sexualised at an early age.

With regard to the scene that greeted you on your return from the cinema - trust your instincts. Something untoward occurred, which is all the more reason why you cannot leave your precious dc in the care of their maternal dgms.

CailinDana · 26/01/2013 21:45

MrsPurr have you ever had counselling where you've talked about this?

Original poster
MrsPurr · 26/01/2013 21:48

No counselling. I had some useless CBT when I had postnatal depression. I paid for two session with a psychotherapist when I was deciding to get pregnant again as I was scared if getting PND again and wanted to talk it through. But it was about £50 a session and she said I needed to see her weekly for a year. I really couldn't justify the expense.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPurr · 26/01/2013 21:49

And I did mention the weirdness with my dad and she said j should speak to my sister.

OP posts:
chucksaway · 26/01/2013 21:51

when girls start to develop breasts and womanly curves some 'men' start drooling. i experienced this with a male relative who made a suggestive comment to me which resulted in a firm no which led to begging dont tell your mum. utterly pathetic. be very careful especially as your dad gets older and may have less 'control' over unhealthy urges.

Sheshelob · 26/01/2013 21:52

It is so hard because it isn't fair. I just felt angry that everyone else seemed to have loving, careful, respectful fathers, while mine was a clusterfuck of immature narcissism.

Whether or not it is actual abuse - and only you can decide that with the help of trained professionals, preferably - that it feels wrong to you makes it wrong. So you have to draw a line under it. I found that meant seeing my dad as the pathetic, flawed, weak person that he actually is, and it meant I couldn't see him anymore.

I really hope you work this out. Really feel for you.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 26/01/2013 21:53

Very disturbing behaviour and not normal in the slightestż,

If I were you, I really would not be leaving my dc's alone with him under any circumstances!

Your post is quite chilling tbh, it really is very disturbing behaviour and it still sounds as if he is behaving in a very inappropriate manner.

CailinDana · 26/01/2013 21:55

I think you should have counselling. The situation you were brought up in has led you to have very serious boundary issues, where you're not aware of what's normal and what's not. That has already had consequences for you in the form of depression and low self esteem and it could have consequences for your children too.

What do you think?

TheSkiingGardener · 26/01/2013 21:57

Whereabouts roughly are you MrsPurr? Can you look up any rape and sexual abuse counselling services in your area? They generally have a phone number you can call to talk to someone with expertise in this area. It doesn't matter when it happened or to what extent it happened, or even if you aren't sure what happened, they will be able to help you find a way to work through what you want to do about this.

Original poster
MrsPurr · 26/01/2013 21:58

The only other sexualised thing I can think of that he did - and I appreciate this doesn't help my case that I don't see him as an abuser - is he once made go and drop a parcel off to a client in his office. I was in my school uniform after school. It was really weird. Afterwards I got the impression my dad wanted his client to think it was a stripogram, then realise it was just me. Of course I felt humiliated by this but I didn't die of it. I'm not drip feeding I promise, that really is all I've got left!
I think he has serious boundaries issues and is fucked up about sex. In the way many men of that generation were. I don't think he is an abuser. The question is whether my kids are safe. For what it's worth I truly honestly don't think anything happened at Xmas, I just think DS was having a tantrum - but my reaction to it makes me think maybe there might be problems down the line.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/01/2013 22:02

MrsPurr he was an abuser, definitely. It's ok that you can't see that right now, because growing up it was your normal, but please believe me when I say you need to address this, otherwise there is a serious danger something could happen to your children. Do it for your own benefit too.

FWIW if someone I knew in real life was in your situation, and I had talked to her and encouraged her to seek help but she didn't, and I knew she intended to let her children spend time unsupervised with her father I would not hesitate in reporting the situation to social services. I was abused as a child and there is no way I would take any risk of that happening to another child if I knew I might be able to do something to prevent it.

chucksaway · 26/01/2013 22:02

what an awful life your mother has had with such a piggish man

DoctorAnge · 26/01/2013 22:03

I would honestly talk to your little sis. You say she is going through some problems?
I'm sorry this happend to you.

chucksaway · 26/01/2013 22:08

reading between the lines ... not just are my kids safe ... are any kids safe around this man (school uniform or not) seriously think about it!!

MrsTomHardy · 26/01/2013 22:09

Sorry but please don't leave your children alone with your parents, ever!

OrangePetals · 26/01/2013 22:11

MrsPurr - do you agree with every post here saying your DC should not be alone with him?

SamSmalaidh · 26/01/2013 22:15

Definitely weird and inappropriate behaviour.

I'm not going to tell you to cut all contact with him because that doesn't sound realistic for you. But please don't leave your DS alone with them, ever! The fact that you came home to a screaming child, a "sheepish" mother and you felt uncomfortable about the situation speaks volumes - listen to your instincts. If my parents or PIL babysat and I came home to DS screaming I wouldn't feel at all uncomfortable about the situation :(

Your children will only be safe if you keep them safe - and that means very closely supervised around both your parents.

girliefriend · 26/01/2013 22:15

Alarm bells are ringing tbh. Not normal, God if my dad had done anything like that I think my mum would have killed him Shock

However I do remember when I was about 14 going to a friends house for a sleepover and her dad came upstaires, drunk and was acting really weirdly. Makes me feel bit sick when I think back to it.

It all sounds very wrong, trust your instincts re your kids which at the moment seem to be telling you not to leave him alone with them.

defineme · 26/01/2013 22:23

He's an inadequate fuck up.
I'm astounded by everyone involved really.
Who was in the pub with you when he commented on your breasts?
Why did every one of them not say 'shut up you perve!'?
It's vile and offensive from anyone, but what an utter fucking betrayal from your own Dad.

Cut contact. Your Dad is dangerous and your Mum is complicit. Your dc may be the ones he goes even further with.

If you go to your gp and explain that you want counselling for sexual abuse then perhaps there will be some available?

So sorry Sad

AnaisB · 26/01/2013 22:30

Please don't leave your ds alone with your parents. If i were you i'd talk to your sister too. So sorry you're having to think about this when you're expecting.

Seriouslysleepdeprived · 26/01/2013 22:56

Not sure if this helps but my dad used to do the whole laying on top of me thing. Bit of slobbering, no girlfriend comments though. Would also do it in front of my mum. I had forgotten all about it until I read your post but I suppose it is weird.

He never makes comments about my body but DH noticed when we first got together, that my dad would slap my bum, which I guess is also odd. I didnt even realise he did it. He stopped doing it now I'm married...

Is this not normal all be it ott affectionate dad stuff?

Also had a good friend continuously call my DS sexy bum when he was a newborn which I did find odd but no one else did, so I don't know...