What would you do?

[Ikeameatballs]

I am really struggling at the moment. I think that I want to split up with dp. I don't hate him and he hasn't had an affair or been abusive BUT I'm not sure I can carry on. I'm trying to get all of my thoughts down so apols if this is long. We have been together for over 10 years.

Money
He has lied to me about money, pretended to have paid bills when he hasn't and when given quite large sums of money (ie a few k) by his parents he has not used it for it's indended purpose. He did have a period of earning well but has not made a reasonable contribution to our household costs even at that time though he did pay for all leisure type stuff ie meals out etc. Now he is not earning much at all (recession related) but he still finds money to go out to the pub. At Xmas I bought all of the dcs and everyone's Xmas presents. He didn't once ask if he should contribute. I am sick of feeling poor and knowing that he is careless with money.

Sex
We used to have a great sex life then had good and quiet spells after dc but now have not had sex for over 18 months. He says that his anti-depressants have meant that he has no libido and this may well be true but I feel that he does not care about how this makes me feel.

Children
We have 2 lovely, lovely dc. He is getting better with spending time with them but I still take on responsibility for everything that is not their direct care; he would never think unprompted to ensure that they had clean clothes, packed lunches and done their reading. He drops the dc off at school/nursery 2 days/week and sometimes picks them up if needed. The children love him to bits.

Mental health
He has had depression in the past quite severely but seems better now. He also has some specific anxieties that he struggles with. He has been referred for therapy and waited but then failed to keep his appointments (though he did have good reason, d+v and then an accident) but he has not followed this up by ringing them and explaining the situation. He drinks too much, he must have at least 4 cans equivalent of cider/evening. He won't consider cutting down.

I know that objectively this all sounds crap but it is very hard to think of us splitting up. It's like each crap thing just either passes or isn't quite bad enough on it's own. Help.

He's a dead-beat, sorry. Lazy, irresponsible, careless & selfish. Someone who has anxiety problems bad enough to take ADs and need therapy should not be necking back alcohol (a well-known depressant) every night. Sadly, when you're in the middle of it and it's got steadily worse over a long period of time, you probably don't appreciate how much it has parted company from a normal, loving relationship of equal partners.

Of course the children love him to bits... all children love their parents. But this is your life for the foreseeable future whereas they will one day get to go off and make lives of their own, leaving you behind. Is he actually bringing anything useful to the party?

I don't know. Somehow he used to make me feel happy and loved but now I just feel fed-up and stressed by trying to be normal and holding it all in. I have tried to give him ultimatums in the past, we split up v briefly a couple of years ago and since then he has been much better at interacting with the dc, doing things they want to do etc. I have thought about doing similar now but I really can't be bothered. I feel like I have been through it all before. I want to see a solicitor about how we could divide our assets etc then tell him how it is but I feel really duplicitous which I don't like.

It's not duplicitous to get information about divorce any more than it's duplicitous to seek advice about opening a bank account or buying a house or any other important event in life. You can't go into these things half-cocked if you want the best outcome. Get the information and then you can at least make a plan.

I'm not surprised you can't be bothered incidentally. He must have really ground you down over the years.

I had decided to tell him it's over tomorrow but wavering again.

Going to take the dc out now so will be back later.

Finding it hard to be brave and stay strong!

It doesn't sound like there's much love left in you for him, so I think you could be doing the right thing. As Cogito has said, there's no harm in checking out your options with a solicitor. It'll probably help you realise whether you really want to go through with it or not.

Good luck, whatever you decide

I went to see the solicitor on Thurs. They said what I hoped, that we should be able to divide our assets so that I can stay in the family home and that a court would almost certainly agree with that.

I think I am wavering because of the disruption/upset it will cause.

You have my sympathies. Sounds like a dire situation.

Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to about this? Family? Do you work? If so, work colleagues? What about marriage counselling?
Having said that, the fact that you have seen a solicitor implies that you've already decided what you're going to do. if you do split, how will the children react? Are they old enough to appreciate the significance or too young to realise?

I told him this morning. We went out last night with friends and the dc stayed at my parents so we were alone. I got up and got dressed etc then said very calmly that I had been thinking about it for a while and that I thought we should split up. He just lay there very quietly, not sure if he was surprised or not. Then he asked me to go (leave him alone) and so I said I would go out then get the children and I would be back this afternoon to talk about what we should do next. He misheard back for pack and looked really panicked at that but otherwise he was just very quiet. I cried silently. I have gone for a drive to the coast. Sitting looking at the beach. Feel very scared and worried that I have got it all wrong.

Well done for having the courage to start the ball rolling. There's no good way to tell someone a relationship is over, but I think you've handled it reasonably and assertively so far. As for 'disruption', your life sounds like it has been routinely disrupted and upset for a long, long time. Keep what you said originally top of mind and don't let yourself be diverted. Btw...'packing' is probably the best thing he could do short-term.

Good luck

Thanks for posting Cogito. Feel really alone and frightened that I have hot it wrong. Keep having massive flashbacks to all the nice moments rather than the shit ones. Remembering when our dc were born etc. feel that I have lost everything that I really wanted.

It's not unusual to have doubts. However, what you've actually got - and what you're saying goodbye to - is almost certainly not what you 'really wanted' and envisaged when your DCs were born. It's more likely to be nostalgia for lost hopes... regrets. And that's something that applies equally whether a relationship has ended in sorrow or in anger.

The good bits are what have kept you with him.
But read your OP again.

Particularly the lying, the money,the not taking responsibility for his treatment and the drinking.
Keep that in your mind.

It's not like it's the first time you have complained and you were on the brink of separating before. He hasn't got much better. And you have to let go at some point.

Your life would be so much better without him. Financially he's incredibly selfish, leaving you to take on the full burden. That is unforgivable.

Sexually he's selfish too. He acknowledges he now has no sex drive and has done nothing to make sure you're happy or to see a doctor about it.

He lets you do everything, doesn't he?

Do you want t try and make it work? if so read "I love you but I'm not in love with you" a few quid on amazon. It helped me see exactly what I was going through. It gives you ways of broaching the subject and exercises to carry out. Good luck x

He has been very upset this evening. Crying, saying that it is his fault and that he is sorry and wants another chance. It would be so easy to say yes but I have sad that he needs to be solvent, sober and sensible before I would consider it. I told him that this needs to be change over a long period of time without me telling him everyday what's expected.

He then wanted to get into bed with me . He is now in the spare room.

We shall see what the future holds but I feel like I have done the right thing today and that I have the strength to see it through.