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Original poster

Friends wandering husband after another friend... (sorry long)

52 replies

Kione · 26/01/2013 14:07

My friend has given me permission to write this there and get your opinions as she doesn't come here. Its a sticky situation to say the least and we could do with looking at it with fresh eyes. Here it goes:

I am very close to my friend that I will call "Funky Friend", she is fun and attractive, with a strong personality. She is also very very close to this other girl who i could say is my friend too but lately we haven't been as close, but not a problem about that, just how life goes. Lets call this other girl "MumsyWife" because she seems to be more of her partners mum than his wife. She is a bit older, cooks for him, does everything for him, they have a neraly 6 year old and she doesn't have many more friends and other things to do apart from them and Funky Friend.

I have heard from yet another person in the past, maybe 4 years ago that MumsyWife's partner, lets call him Wandering HUsband, has cheated on her, unashamedly in at least one party. But that was left like that.

Talking to Funky Friend the other day, she tells me that after all had dinner at her house at Christmas Eve, Funky Friend has a partner and a child too, Wandering Husband texted her from outside her house asking her to come out and telling her he wanted her basically. She ignored the texts, as she wasn't sure who he was as she didn't have his number recorded on her phone. The next day MumsyWife told her that Wandering Husband had gone to a party but only stayed for 30 min. and came back home. Funky Friend checked the messages again and realise it was him. Next time she saw him (she walkes her DS to school and often Wandering Husband will give her a lift to work from there, kids go to the same school) in the car she told him jokingly and to get an explanation and apology, how drunk he was and what stupid things he said. He then said, he wasn't that drunk and that he meant it. Then he continued texting her over the week wanting to meet her, telling her he dreamt with her and didn't want only dreams and stuff like that.

She showed me the messages. I told her to immediately tel MumsyWife, that if it was me I'd like to know to dump the bastard! BUT... apparently many years ago MumsyWife had anothering Wandering Boyfriend who also chased Funky Friend and when Funky Friend told her MumsyWife went ballistic with her, blaming her and they fell out big time for many months. A few years ago Funky Friend heard the same rumous as me about Wandering Husband and hinted something to MumsyWife and she completely denied it and gor a bit cross that Funky Friend thought this.

SO, that is how things are; Funky Friend loves her like a sister, doesn't want to lose her, MumsyWife's son calles her auntie and with DS's have a very close friendship too, I mean they do most things (hobbies, outings, etc.) toghether, and this could potentially break all this up.

no need to explain that Funky Friend is completely disgused with Wandering Husband and we couldn't find the nastiest words to describe his betrayal.

So, the quaestion is, what would you do? would you tell MumsyWife, even knowing that she might deny it all and break the relantionship? Just leave it like that as they might me a chance that she know he is like that and decides to ignore it...

Its all very sad because he has come in between a very very long strong friendship, longer that he has been in the picture and it could destroy his family, friendship between two girls and freindship between DS's. Such a fucking selfish bastard!!

Anyway. Any thought apreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 13:44

Not at all! she ignored the texts because she thought they where a mistake from someone drunk, she never gave a though about someone actually being outside her house. If they where from someone she knew she prob had replied saying WTF, "are these for me or something along those lines". It was also late and she was in bed or going to, different room to partner but they still live in the same house.
I do not think she is hiding anything fir me and she never liked WH too much anyway. So I am absolutely pissitive that she is not involved with him apart from regarding the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 13:46

apologise for the spelling again!

OP posts:
SaraBellumHertz · 27/01/2013 14:12

Hmm something sounds off to me.

You seem to have every excuse for why your friend can only approach this in a very prescriptive manner which I assume has been fed to you from her?

Why might that be? It suggests to me that at the very least she is in someway culpable, or at least believes herself to be? Are you positive their hasn't been any flirting/inappropriate behaviour on her part?

I am also deeply suspicious of his threat that he will tell his wife they have slept together. Why on earth threaten that if they haven't? Surely the more rational approach would for him to say I will tell my wife that you came onto me and that I rejected you, thus proving how wonderful he is and how awful the friend is.

The only reason I can think of for threatening to tell that they have had sex is if they have and somewhere in amongst those texts is evidence to that effect.

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 14:24

well, I am not making excuses I thought I was explaining why she has or hasnt done something... I think the threat is because due to his cheating before its actually more believable that he had slept with her (specially to a wife that is already a bit insecure), than her making an approach and him refusing!
BUT I agree that she should have stopped contact and send clear refusal texts to him.
I guess its one if those cases of its easier said than done. I have texted asking about it today to bring some more light here, but she hasnt replied.

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 27/01/2013 14:46

I get the feeling there is a bit more to this story than FF is telling you.

I'd say she needs to protect herself first over MW. If it is as innocent on FF side as she says it is then why doesn't she simple show MW the texts to her from her husbands phone ? The threats he's made are ridiculous as FF relationship by the sounds of it is over anyway and I imagine it would result in MW believing everything FF said especially if you back her up and result in that marriage breaking down. Why would MWs husband want to induce this through threats when he could just tell his wife anyway?

I think FF and MW husband have been having at the least a flirtatious EA and she's realised he wants more. She's in too deep and wants out hence the complete turn around.

FF needs to cut all contact with this man and maybe with MW if she doesn't feel she can tell.

I have been in a similar situation myself and have since cut off from this couple because I believe she will find out what he is like when she is ready to see it and I don't want to be in the middle. I will happily be there to help her when/if it does blow up. In my opinion a one off mistake can be learnt from and a marriage can recover, serial adultery is rarely maintained without someone finding out and spilling the beans.

Branleuse · 27/01/2013 14:48

id either avoid all of them because it sounds like too much drama for my liking, or else id go all out and tell motherly friend myself

Branleuse · 27/01/2013 14:48

and accept the backlash, but at least everyone would know

ILoveBagels · 27/01/2013 14:54

if she looks after his son, why wouldn't she have his number? that's seems strange?

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 15:13

I am going to give aserous thinking to what you have written cupcake78.
As for the phone, I guess its because she communicates wuth his wife he only picks him up but the arrangements are done between MF and FF.
But there is simething strange I just realised. She told me she didnt have his number so didnt know who the texts where from, but when she showed them to me they where under his name. ar the time I thought maybe she saved his number afterwards but now I am a bit "hmmm"...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 15:14

Something ain't adding up here.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 15:15

OP, I suggest you keep out of all of it

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 15:28

yeah, I might... she replied today just saying that she is avoiding him as much as she can

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:01

There are a couple of holes in that story, Kione, although this man does sound like an utter sleaze. Stay well away, and whether FF is a complete innocent or has got her fingers burned by letting him get a bit too close, then so should she. That is the only advice she needs.

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 16:08

but then, why dud she tell me?? I thought she wanted help and get it out of her chest, but if she is not 100% innocent why would she tell me anything??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:11

I dunno. Who knows ? Some people like the drama. I wouldn't worry about it, tbh

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 16:12

well thank you very much for all the replies

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:15

Food for though, huh ?

They are just our opinions based on the info you have given, of course

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:16

thought

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 16:24

but that is all the information I have, and your opinions reallt have made me see things that I wouldnt have looked at. The magic of mumsnet!
There are certanly a few holes on her story...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:28

It doesn't mean you are going to go back and denounce her, just keep out of it (other than repeating the advice to stay away from him). If things are going to go the shape of a pear, you don't want to be in the middle of all that.

Is she going to stop looking after their son ? Or at least stopping the lifts and making sure all arrangements go through his wife ?

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 16:48

she wont stop looking after their son as hi is her own DSs friebd and because of her work schedule it suits everyone and she does it for MW. When we spoke I told her to stop the lifts and she said she wanted to carry on as usual as to not to make anithing that others might see suspicious. I didnt think anithing of it either but now u dont know!
But yes, I rather stay out of it now.

OP posts:
fackinell · 27/01/2013 17:00

I'd doubt that if FF had anything to hide that she would even be considering telling MF. It would only out her and cause a shitload of hassle. I'd ask him to make alternative child care plans, refuse all lifts and threaten him to back off or I'd tell all. I've had friends fall out with me for telling them what they don't want to hear. She's made it clear she doesn't want to Know, I'm afraid I'd have to respect that. She won't be the last one he tries with.

Original poster
Kione · 27/01/2013 17:13

thats is the thing, she is not considering telling MF, I told her to do that and she cane up with all this reasons (excuses?) not too...

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/01/2013 17:36

I agree with the earlier poster who said that Funkyfriend should tell Sleazyhusband that she has made a log of the messages and if it doesn't stop she will be reporting him to the police for sexual harassment.

There is no point telling Mummyfriend if she has previously tried to blame her husband's sleaziness on other people.

If I were you I would stay out of it though .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2013 17:44

Do you know, OP, it rather sounds to me like FunkyFriend is trying to use you to 'sanitise' almost, what she has been doing. She's not acting in MumsyWife's interests - or in yours by involving you - and this is what isn't sitting right with you.

We can only ever know what you post but what you've posted is telling. You're innocent in this but I really don't think FunkyFriend is and by your latest post about the childcare, you can see that something isn't right. By involving an innocent person FunkyFriend can deflect what she's doing, goodness knows what that is, but you know the tip of the iceberg, I think.

I have a friend carrying on with a married man, it's gone very badly, and I'm grateful to all the posters who told me to back away when I asked for advice. You're getting the same advice and it's exactly right - back away and support MumsyWife when she needs you. The less you know about what FunkyFriend and MW's husband are dong, the better - but let FunkyFriend know that you don't accept her story and that you don't want to know about it anymore. It's up to her and MW's husband to do the right thing, whatever that is.

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