^perfectstorm
If I tell the lawyer my dh is manipulating the situation and that is why I am having to split then surely they will not see him as the primary carer?^
Love, it doesn't matter what your solicitor thinks, because they're not the one who will decide - a judge will - and your ex will also have a solicitor. The judge won't care what went on between the two of you, because it's impossible to know who is telling the truth and all they want to know is what will least disrupt the child. That is almost always seen as keeping things as close to what they were pre-split as possible, so your H is in a stronger position if he can say how much more time he spends with your son than you do. If he is doing more of the childcare than you, then you are unlikely to be seen as primary carer, and arguing that it's because your ex is an abuser is sadly very hard to prove, and may well be disregarded. Divorces are brutal, and people often lie through their teeth in pursuit of their desired outcome, so facts are given a lot more weight than the alleged underlying reasons for them. Your words on why you saw little of your son will very likely be disregarded, unless your ex is stupid enough to show himself up to a CAFCASS officer. Always possible, but hard to rely on.
Of course your own solicitor will know you are dealing with a manipulative piece of shit. The problem is, the judge sees combative parents who claim that all the time, as do CAFCASS, and your ex will almost certainly be portraying you as a career driven harpy who expected him to do all the childcare and all the housework, and nobody will know who is telling the truth, so they may well look to the hours you both work. Your ex is going to be able to get statements from people he sees at the weekend activities as well as the CM, from what you say, as well as showing your working hours as opposed to his. Saying, "but he's a bully who forced me out" isn't provable in the same way as who does the care is. So you must. MUST. alter those care patterns and ensure you spend the time. It doesn't matter what it takes - you have got to, I think. You need solid legal advice on how to protect your relationship when you leave, too - your ex could simply refuse to allow you contact at all, in the absence of a court order, and if you aren't primary carer so couldn't obtain an emergency interim order, it could take 6 months before you see him. By that point your ex's position as primary carer would be very entrenched and as long as he allowed the court-ordered contact most of the time, they'd probably award him primary residence. This is what happens to fathers all the time, I'm afraid.
You need excellent legal advice, and not all solicitors are created equal so please ask Women's Aid to recommend someone. If you could get yourself into a position where you can claim to do half the care, and convincingly so, then your ability to claim at least 50% of the time with your DS (and judges can be reluctant to allow that division in cases of high conflict, out of concern for the child) will be stronger, and you will also have a better argument for fulltime care.
A judge in family court does not care what the adults did to one another unless serious, proven violence is at stake. They are interested in minimising disruption to the child. In practice, this results in a kind of "finders keepers" situation. Contrary to belief, the courts don't favour women - they favour the person who seems on paper to do most of the care. That's usually the woman. It means a lot of nice men get forced out by unpleasant women. I should add that my own father was a deadbeat arse, so I'm not biased against mums in the slightest. I used to think most women who blocked contact had excellent reasons, and of course many do. But plenty don't. Your ex does not sound like he would support or facilitate good contact between yourself and your son, and I do think you need to start planning your exit strategy, with the core objective being protecting your relationship with your son.