What the jeff did I do wrong?

[Ponderingonaquandry]

The man (he doesn't deserve the title darling or partner after last night) came home last night having been working away for 2 weeks. He rang on his way back to say he was nipping into the pub to meet a mate to collect some money owed to him, not a problem, he promised he'd only stop for a pint and come straight home as he'd missed us.

2 hours later he's still not home so I decide to go and have a bath and relax and unwind as the kids are at my parents and see him when he comes in.

He stomps in an hour later steaming drunk and announces that he's working away for another 2 weeks from Monday and has known about it since Wednesday passed. I have a face of thunder at this point and give him a terse reply showing how unimpressed about it all I am as I'm exhausted and currently signed off sick and why didn't he think to tell me when he found out so that I wouldn't be pissed off with him when he returns home. His answer was that he knew I'd be pissed off and that it was a conversation he wanted to have face to face not over the telephone or Skype and how unsupportive I'm being about his work, how he's exhausted and never sleeps (join the club) and how he doesn't know what I want from him. Once he'd finished that little rant he then went off on one about how unwelcoming I was and why didn't i give him a cuddle and kiss etc when he walked in (because he was ridiculously late and drunk!) and how it's not fair on him as he's been working away and missed us. (Basically why didn't I jump his bones as he walked in and shag his brains out...quite frankly I'm not up to it!)

The row ended there as I wouldn't engage in it because of how drunk he was and that when he's drunk he doesn't listen he just shouts.

Anyway today is supposed to be his day off. Today we are supposed to be spending the day together going out and just having time together.

Guess who has gone into work.

Guess who is still in the dog house.

Guess who really doesn't give a shit and is now beginning to think he's cheating on me from the behaviours he's displayed this passed couple of days and previously (possessiveness over his laptop and blackberry, going out to 'work' when family things have been planned etc etc)

Hmm, doesn't sound too good. Is this out of character?

No you did nothing wrong and he is taking the piss.

The question is what are you getting out of this relationship and what are you going to do about it?

It's not unheard of but by no means a regular thing for him.

What am I getting out of the relationship? I don't know any more. It used to be a loving supportive humorous partner and fantastic father to the children. Now he's, quite frankly, turned into an arsehole.

Well there are two issues aren't there?

The working away and the drinking.

The former would annoy me but as a one off wouldn't be worth getting in a state over - people often get way laid when meeting friends for legit reasons.

re the working way it depends why he is working away and whether he has any choice in it.

If its something he has to do in order to finance the family's lifestyle then YABU about it, both DH and I have to work away sometimes - neither if us relish it and I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH got in a strop because I had to do it.

Relate? And if he carries on at this level of 6-year-old-tactics-arseyness get out? I'm really sorry he's turned into a prick - here's hoping it is temporary and he will return to being the man he was. At what point in your relationship did he start getting like this? How long has it been going on?

Sorry meant the latter in my third sentence

Sarah - I'm not sure it's really the working away that's the issue for the OP. Is it OP? I got the feeling it was more in the delivery and the man's attitude and blame tactics to make his partner feel bad and shamed?

You answered your own question there.

What you did wrong was picked a man who has turned into a selfish arsehole.

Not always predictable unfortunately.

A man who would rather spend hours at the pub getting drunk after not seeing his wife for weeks. Or a man who deliberately went to the pub so he could pick a fight as his wife would be rightly poised of and not want to shag his drunk belligerent are.

You need to decide if this is what you want for the future. If not then change it. Easier said than done I know.

If you think he is cheating get to an STI clinic and insist on findings if you intend to carry on having sex with him.

Assuming there isn't an external cause as you fear, my guess is that he felt guilt about the working away/not telling you as well as the drinking and went straight into attack mode as a form of defence. Knowing you had every right to be rather pissed off, he turned it round by being angry at you. That's how my dad would have played it.

Pissed off!

except my dad would have done it sober and taken a little while to work up to it.

And condoms. How can a auto correct give findings for condoms?

Financial pressure can make arseholes of us all I'm afraid. Is that the key to his behaviour?

Yep, get to Relate or equivalent. He sounds desparate, needing to be living with you, for the love of you going away to work and then not able to keep the relationship going, just ticking the days off til he can be back with you. He just doesnt want the time with you to be full of anger, he wants to fill it with happy memories of you. Honestly, if he were having an affair I think he would be better at putting on the charm. The drink is a big worry. Is he drinking a lot when away? It is destroying his personality and probably his liver too.

trust my point was that if the OPs DH has to work away to support the family and she regularly gets it a strop because if this - by her own admission she would have been pissed off whenever she was told - then I can understand why he would want to avoid the issue with her.

Ok going to the pub and getting pissed is not an appropriate solution but if I was returning from a trip away and knew all that was waiting for me was a DH who was going to be pissed off at my news I had to go away again then I'd probably enjoy a few glasses of wine with a friend before I had to face it.

Unless there is a huge backstory welcoming your partner home by being pissed off they have to work is an overreaction IMO

We aren't under any financial pressure. We're mortgage free, both work full time in jobs that more than cover the bills and a bit spare each month. We work because we enjoy working.

His working away isn't a problem he's always done it and I'm used to it, just at the moment with me being unwell and the absolute short notice of it I'm pissed off. Add to that he has chosen to go into work on his day off rather than deal with the argument and issues and, well, my mood isn't improving.

These sorts of unwarranted and out-of-the-blue explosions are typical of a man having an affair I'm afraid. So as you think that yourself and you agree there is other dodgy behaviour with phones and laptops, it seems obvious to me that this is likely to be the reason for this behaviour.