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Relationships

I need help - going to have sex with my DH for the first time in a year

36 replies

swingingfromthechandeliers · 25/01/2013 14:53

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed to admit the state of our sex life.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We never had a fab sex life if I'm honest -mainly because (TMI alert) he was too big and it hurt. Then I had kids (thanks to pushing the babies out, the 'too big' wasn't an issue anymore due to the grand canyon created by their heads).

But then we had the usual issues - post babies, too tired, too resentful, just can't be arsed phase. It started with once a month, then once every few months, then four times a year. And for the last two years, we have had sex just once each year (not even on his birthday!!)

It is an issue. Because it means we live like flatmates and I know my DH needs sex to feel loved. For me, I honestly could just, ahem, sort myself out, and be ok but the affection and closeness does help us forgive every day squabbles. But he gave up trying when I just wasn't into it. So no-ones been making any effort.

I am pleased to report that my libido seems to have resurfaced from years of resentment/exhaustion. DH and I have just had a BIG conversation. One that starts with a little argument but before you know it, everything comes out and the issue of lack of sex was part of it.

I said that I actually do want to have sex but that he doesn't seem keen anymore. He said he has given up trying. So I suggested that given we have a child free night tonight, that we just do it. We both agreed that we are nervous and neither of us really knows how to get things started. It's nuts - we feel like shy teenagers. He tends to get giggly (not really a turn on) when he's like this.

Please mumsnet - I don't need an analysis of why this has happened. All I want are your best tips to help me have sex with my husband tonight, particularly making those first moves (once things are underway I think it'll come back to us). I am not naturally affectionate and I know that just touching each other, holding hands etc would be a good first step.

But I'd love to hear any other tips/advice on this. Tx

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44SoStartingOver · 25/01/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 25/01/2013 18:56

Carabos you beat me too it - I was going to suggest exactly the same thing.

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onthemetro · 25/01/2013 18:56

Hope you have fun tonight OP! And dont forget to report back to us nosy MNers tomorrow

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swingingfromthechandeliers · 26/01/2013 09:34

reporting back: I went for the JFDI approach. I tried to be affectionate throughout the evening but he was quite distant, which is weird because he's normally the affectionate one. Maybe he thought my affection was just a put on due to the discussion we had. Anyway, we had a nice night out and probably a bit too much champagne, but a lot of fun walking home in the snow.

Then when we got in he said he wanted a whiskey. I made him one but took it upstairs to the bedroom. I could see he was starting to get awkward, but I just thought sod it, it IS Happening. So I took my clothes off, except sexy lingerie, took his off and I just basically made it happen. It wasn't wow - mainly because I think we'd both had too much to drink. But we fell asleep holding each other which isn't usual. And this morning, I decided to wake him (or rather a certain part of him) which led to it happening again and it was a lot better.

So here's to the end of the drought. Now we just need to do it more regularly. Thanks for all the tips

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SlowLooseChippings · 26/01/2013 09:37

Woohoo!! Nice work, and well done. I raise my glass of orange juice (too early for !) to the continued good health of your sex life!

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/01/2013 09:39

Twice! Well done

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tumbletumble · 26/01/2013 10:51

Well done OP!

Now this may sound unromantic, but I think you need to put in a bit of effort to make sure it doesn't slip back to how things were. Maybe give yourself a target of how many times you'd ideally have sex per month? I recommend reading 365 Nights by Charla Muller which is a light hearted look at the importance of sex in a marriage.