Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Joke of a marriage getting worse

38 replies

Ballyk · 25/01/2013 13:25

Im having a really shit time of it lately, I posted recently abt problems with dh (not sure how to link)
Things just seem to be getting worse we are constantly bickering and pissing each other off. The whole situations is depressing me and just don't want to get out of bed in a morning (although I do) and dread him coming home from work.
I went out last night friends bday first night out in 6 months. I got up this morning to get the kids ready and
he looked me up and down and said I was discusting and he really doesn't like me. He's such a twat my 2 eldest dc heard him. He left for work and dc2 started crying and said your not discusting mummy I love u , it broke my heart Sad
My eldest said if someone was mean to me all the time I just wouldn't be there friend anymore and dc 2 said we should move house and not tell him wre we live Shock
He really doesn't see how his horrible behaviour is affecting everyone and blames it all on me I'm sick to death of it all i feel I'm going round n round in circles, I'm so exhausted by it all and really don't know what to do. I tryed talking to my mum about how unhappy I am but she just said that we couldn't separate because of the Dcs

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 25/01/2013 13:31

Listen to your children, OP.

Your husband sounds vile. He doesn't like you, let alone love you, and your children are hearing this and learning from this.

I'm sorry your mum isn't as supportive, but she's wrong. I would separate for my children, as well as myself.

examiner99 · 25/01/2013 13:31

Is this how your husband is used to hearing for instance his mum and dad talk? Does he realise how revolting such behaviour is?

foolonthehill · 25/01/2013 13:34

Maybe the "joke" is over and it's time.....to separate FOR the DCs, they seem to be giving you the green light to be honest.

Are they his children or just yours?...if just yours then you really owe it to them to remove this toxic influence from their lives.

izzyizin · 25/01/2013 13:36

Out of the mouths of babes.

As it's crystal clear your dc are being adversely affected by their dps' dislike for, and hostility towards, each other you no longer have any excuse for going round in circles.

Instead of talking to your dm, whose views do not accord with modern day thinking, visit www.womensaid.org.uk and start making plans to act on the sound advice of your dc.

Please note that you are best advised to act sooner rather later as the rules pertaining to legal aid entitlement in divorce/family matters are changing after the end of March and prevarication may cause you to miss the boat.

gorgeoushippo · 25/01/2013 13:41

It's a very old fashioned view your mum has, I think you know that though. It's not good for the children to grow up with a father who can be so horrible to you, especially directly in front of the dc.

It is very good for them to grow up with a strong woman who can demonstrate to them how she knows she deserves to be treated with respect. Everyone deserves that.

What is preventing you from splitting up? Are you renting or is the house owned? Is there anyone else you can speak to about this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 13:42

Your mum probably subscribes to the 'put up with any old crap because that's what I had to do' school of marriage guidance. Not very helpful.

Verbal abuse is unacceptable. Aggression is unacceptable. Having a go at you in front of your DCs is appalling. Your DCs sound like they've got the measure of him and want to protect you. Isn't that sad?

What to do? Have you talked to friends IRL? Have you ever sought the advice of solicitor and thought about how life might look if you split? There are alternatives to living with an abusive bully and sometimes, even if you don't actually plan to end the marriage, it can give you strength & ammunition to know your ground.

Good luck

examiner99 · 25/01/2013 13:47

At the risk of sounding stupid, surely the first thing to do is not to put the 'LTB' process in train but for the OP to discuss the problem with her husband?

TurnipCake · 25/01/2013 13:51

Actions speak louder than words. I do wonder what 'Sit him down and have a proper chat' is going to achieve with a man who thinks he's entitled to look down his nose at his wife, call her disgusting and tells her he doesn't like her...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 13:51

Seeing a solicitor is not 'putting the LTB process in train'... it's getting informed. Then when the OP has the conversation with the DH that doesn't like her and thinks she's disgusting etc. about their future as a couple she can do so from a position of strength. 'Never take a sword to a gun-fight'......

izzyizin · 25/01/2013 13:55

At the risk of premturely jumping on the LTB train, only a short sharp shock serious wake-up call will persuade a verbally abuse man, who has no compunction about insulting his dw in front of their dc, to 'discuss the problem'.

izzyizin · 25/01/2013 14:03

Too right, Cog.

I've got a Schnellfeuer you can borrow to help concentrate his mind, Bally Grin

ladyWordy · 25/01/2013 14:09

Here is the last thread ballyk..
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1660680-Can-I-have-moan-about-not-so-d-h

I'd say you do know what to do, but the thought of it seems overwhelming . No-one would blame you. Baby steps forward is the way to go.

  • Many women with lazy, entitled, abusing partners will say, at some point, that their children 'worship' or 'adore' their father (both, incidentally, rather extreme and perhaps dysfunctional ways of attaching to a parent. 'Love' being quite enough...)

But your children told you, in gentle but very clear terms, that you'd be better off if he lived apart from you - and that he didn't know where you were!And that his cruelty to you hurt them deeply.

Your dc sound lovely and very caring. I hope you will listen to them, and seek help and advice for yourself ( though not from your mum).

PeppermintPasty · 25/01/2013 14:11

How do you feel about separating Ballyk?

Or maybe the question should be-are you happy to stay put with things as they are (or worse) and let another 5 or 10 years of your life go by?

I'm guessing you spoke about leaving with your mother. Speak to some more people in RL, and yes, go and see a solicitor-forewarned is forewarmed and all that.

PeppermintPasty · 25/01/2013 14:13

*forearmed not forewarmed!!

Original poster
Ballyk · 25/01/2013 14:13

Thanks izzy may have to take you up on that offer Smile
Cog - it is sad very sad
We split a few years ago for similar reasons (him treating) me like shit the eldest dc took it quite badly at the time we were deprecated for a couple of years , but stupidly thought we would be better off getting back together. I think this is why my mum thinks we should stay together she said its not fair to mess the children about, which is true but god I don't think I can put up with him much longer. I've discussed my issues with friends and they think I should leave.
We've talked and talked about how to make thing better but we can't seem to go a few days without things going back to shit. I'm still fairly young and hate the thought of being stuck in a miserable, sexless, joyless marriage for ever

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballyk · 25/01/2013 14:15

Thanks ladyworly I'll have to learn how to link !

OP posts:
thegreylady · 25/01/2013 14:16

It is time he left [not you].He is contributing nothing and hurting you and your dc.You do need him out I am afraid.

Original poster
Ballyk · 25/01/2013 14:18

The thought of it is overwhelming and I feel like such a failure to my dcs

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 14:21

How old are your DCs now? Any change is difficult for children and you'll have to be quite careful that, if you split, they don't take it that the reason you've done so is because they asked you to. But if you are up front with them and consistent then it really isn't messing them about. The atmosphere they and you are currently living in sounds far more damaging.

Original poster
Ballyk · 25/01/2013 14:31

My dc are 10, 9, 4 and 2

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballyk · 25/01/2013 14:32

He won't leave he's made it quite clear before that if we are to separate he would not leave, house is rented

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 14:36

How can you say you're a failure when your kids' first instinct is to stand up for their mum and want you to be safe and happy? Those are bloody good kids, they'll go a long way in life with that attitude, and I don't think they've learned that kind of care and compassion from their Dad quite honestly. If (when?) you break free I think your children will be your strength.

mrslaughan · 25/01/2013 14:39

whose name is the lease in? Do you have a good relationship with your landlord? Surely you could (if you do have a good relationship with said LL) "renegotiate" lease into your name, change the locks, call the police and kick him out.
He is worse than an arsehole and as hard as doing this will be, you will be better of in the long run. He has no respect for you, you need to be cold and calculating and cut him out of your life.

Do you have any good friends in RL that you could inlist to help you through this - I know I would once a friend admitted this sort of abuse to me.

ladyWordy · 25/01/2013 14:39

Yes, cogito is right... they mustn't feel responsible for any decisions you make. To phrase it more clearly: I hope you will listen to their discomfort.

We so often hear abused women say their partners are 'great dads', and through you, your children have told a very different story. It's striking, and sad, but hope it will give you the strength to seek help ballyk.

They are indeed bloody good kids, very aware and caring. You've done everything right from where I'm standing.

mrslaughan · 25/01/2013 14:40

You are not a failure for your DC - but you need to set the example for them, no one should put up with this sort of abuse....take strength from that.