Partner has different personality when woken in morning... starting to really bother me.

[StarsAreShining]

Ok, my partner and I have been together for just over a year, not living together, although he regularly stays over and me and my son both adore him. The problem is his attitude/behaviour when he wakes up. In normal, everyday life, he is the most kind, sweet, generous, gentle and loving man I've ever known. He has been my rock through a hellish year and is an excellent role model for my son. We were friends for years before deciding to take things further, and I've never been happier.

However, when he wakes up in the morning, he becomes a totally different person. A bit of background - he had insomnia for quite a long time and still has very unusual sleeping habits. He struggles to sleep. He has worked irregular shifts for many years, so has never developed a good routine. He's recently been offered a new job which offers slightly more usual hours, so he's trying to gradually train himself to wake up earlier. Anything before 10 is very early to him. It takes a very, very long time for him to wake up. He is unable to speak and doesn't have any memory of what's happened. On the few occasions I've made him get up, he has behaved very aggressively and it's taken at least ten minutes for him to respond and move. He sometimes falls over when he gets up and seems totally disorientated. I, on the other hand, love getting up early and getting things done, so I usually just leave him to get on with it.

There are three incidents in particular which are bothering me.
1 - I felt unwell and asked him to get up in the night as my son was crying. He was unresponsive and seemed totally uncaring, so i shook him to try and get a response. He then elbowed me twice in the stomach before storming out of the house. He only vaguely remembers this happening, but said that he thought I'd hit him when I touched him.
2 - Earlier this week, I was struggling to get my son ready for school. I suffer with depression and had an uncharacteristically bad morning after my son's (useless) father told me I'm a terrible parent. I was upset, so went upstairs and asked for help. He very angrily got up and went to the toilet. While he was in there, I lay on the bed because I was crying. He came back in and grabbed me by the wrist and ankle, telling me that I couldn't ask him to get up and then go back to bed. I was crying on and off for a little while. I discussed his with him yesterday and he didn't even realise that I was crying. It's like he's no longer human...
3 - This morning, his alarm went off at 8.30am, which is the time he's been trying to get out of bed. My son was happily sort of bouncing all over him, trying to get him up. He got angry and shoved him. It looked as though he meant to push him onto the bed because he was hurting him, but his hand caught him quite hard. I made him apologise and then took my son to school. When I came back, he was getting his stuff together to leave. I briefly discussed this with him and asked whether he remembered it. He said that he only had a vague memory of it, apologised and seemed very withdrawn and ashamed.

As he was leaving, I told him that he either sorts himself out or won't be staying overnight again as I wont have anybody treat us that way. He said that he understood and left.

I know it sounds as though I'm making a big deal of nothing, but it is so out of character for him and I don't really know what to do about it. It's as though he's still in a state of semi-consciousness for a long time after waking. Any advice?

HandbagCrab - unfortunately you have just said that my DH is not truly lovely because somewhere deep down he must actually want to hit me in his sleep! It's kind of like saying that everyone's weird sex dreams mean they actually want to sleep with those people. I once had a sex dream about Tony Blair and I can absolutely state that I do not want to sleep with him.

The Op has said 'As he was leaving, I told him that he either sorts himself out or won't be staying overnight again as I wont have anybody treat us that way. He said that he understood and left.' I can't see where he has asked her to sort it all out for him. She has asked for advice and has got some really helpful information from both sides of the argument.

I'd also state that someone who doesn't live with you, has been with you only a year, and who WON'T step in to help when YOU are ill is NOT a DP.

They are a BOYFRIEND.

And from where I'm sitting, not much of one either.

OP, you owe this man NOTHING, you have NOTHING invested in him or his life. I actually take issue with those that say they have anything invested anyway. It implies return, profit, gain, and we've all seen women that have 'invested' their youth in a bloke only for him to do the Phone Tango, glued to it, deleting messages, and the 'it's not you it's me' stuff, only to leave and lo and behold out pops a girlfriend... There is no return on these investments, there is no point in putting up with anything less than good for the sake of not being alone.

This bloke is not known to you, he's not the father of your child, and he harmed you and your son. His behaviour since is not good enough, your behaviour is only to cover it up, make excuses for him and hang on to someone that clearly needs to sort themselves out, or FUCK off and find someone else to batter.

I think that so far you HAVE handled it well, but from now on, you need to handle things a lot better. You need him to prove to you that he wants this fixed, you need him to be full of remorse and assurances that he will never place you or your child in danger of harm again.

Yes you are worth that and more. your son is worth that too.

You put up with this, for the sake of a bloke you have known for a year, and you will lose your son. You will directly teach him that he is not important enough to protect from potential harm, and that it's ok for men to hit women, as long as they have a good enough excuse.

My guessing is though that you have long gone to ground, and that you won't return to this thread. you are in denial and you are unable to face what you fear might be true.

Your poor son needs you. YOU need you. Please don't hang around waiting for this guy, if he really wants to fix it, he will. If you are important enough to him, he'll make that effort. If you are not, then you deserve better. Really you do.

Tony Blair? Oh my good lord.

Okay, further example - he fell asleep on the sofa, I woke him up.

This is the conversation we had:

Me: Wake up, DH, time for bed.
DH (appears completely awake): What are you talking about?
Me: DH, you're not really awake, you need to wake up and come to bed now.
DH (shouting, leaning forward and very aggressive): NO I DON'T. IT'S NOT BEDTIME.
Me: Okay, last time, DH wake up it's time for bed.
DH: Why should I do what you say? Shut up, I'm asleep. I'll go to bed tomorrow.

Me: Okay, night night. (I go to leave room)
DH:

Ten minutes later DH comes to bed and says 'I think I may have been shouting what did I say?'. The thing is we know from long experience that he doesn't mean it - he's often rather toddler-ish in the lashing out and shouting kind of way.

He was 24 when we got together and obviously knew there were issues but because he hadn't shared a bed with someone on a regular basis he really didn't know how bad it was. Sometimes he gets up and knows that something has happened but not any details. Sometimes he remembers the logic but not the detail and sometimes it is the other way round.

I am happy to video his violent awakening if that would help you OP?

RooneyMara - I blame the chronic sleep deprivation

are you ok OP?
Having only read your initial post, I can say your instincts are kicking in otherwise you wouldnt have posted - so deep down, you KNOW this man could be more of a danger.

He doesnt seem to have a serious mental problem, he sounds bad tempered, bad mannered and disrespectful verging on abusive.

protect yourself and your child - that is your immediate duty of care, to keep your son and yourself safe domestically

This guy is using you and trying to manipulate you - never in a million years let a man grab your ankle and wrist to aggressivley and intentionally pull you off a bed in your home because you lay down for a few minutes rest HOW DARE HE

Haven't read all of this but to OP and shrinkingnora, we have a similar problem with DH here (and interestingly DS 2.6 yrs is uncontrollable & unconsable for about 20 mins on waking unless woken naturally when he's all smiles). DH's issues are compounded by a drink problem hard to tell if it causes insomnia or vice versa but sure makes things worse. Also DH is v ashamed of behaviour which makes it really hard to get him to ask for help.

I reached ultimatum point on Thurs after spectacular melt down when he had to get up and get DS to child minder. He needs to get help or get out. Cant have that level of aggresion in front of DC..

There are (at least) two opposing schools of thought here, violent abuser or sleeping disorder.

I have experience of a DP who has disturbed sleep and has seeminglu lucid (but not real) conversations and actions with no morning memory of them, and can be upsettingly unpleasant if woken unexpectedly.

I don't consideer her to be a violent abuser.

Either way, regardless of blame or guilt, it's a good idea to put a stop to the sleepovers with your young son at risk.

shrinkingnora very good posts - thank you for illustrating what it's like to live with someone else's persistent sleep disorder. It must be difficult, but you have adapted with good humour by the sound of it.

I do know someone who can undertake complex tasks during sleep - think of disassembling a piece of furniture! I also know someone who is highly aggressive on waking. Another can articulate recognisable but nonsensical sentences.

So I would not argue there is no such thing as disordered sleep. But Stars, you asked for opinions; and I wanted to reflect back and challenge your reading of what had happened, as to me there are aspects of the story which do not point solely to a sleep disorder

I can't better the advice that he looks for medical assistance and that in the meantime he doesn't sleep at your home, the latter of which you've already done.

For many reasons, I still think there is more to this than he says, but of course it's your judgement to make. Good luck with the next step. : - )

Screamingeels - DD (9) also sleepwalks and sleep talks. She used to cry incosolably if woken during her afternoon nap for a good half hour.

Thank you ladyWordy. The alternative to adapting was ending the relationship. The thing is I love him completely and know we will be together forever. He makes me a better version of myself and I like to think I do the same for him. I'm pretty sure my severe PMT has been pretty hard for him to live with too (much improved now but I was awful).

Interesting, MrsDeVere. DH also has chronic pain (I'm making him sound like a right catch!). He was hideous when this started but we had a conversation about it and he also can now control this. Which is why I'm more inclined to believe he can't control the other.

Right, this is me being extremely honest here.

I am similar to your DP. Anything before 10am, and I can't cope. I have no real memories of anything I have done before 10am, my DC's avoid me in the mornings because I yell and am extremely moody (so they tell me).

On a school day, I have to get up at 6.45am. I don't do too well with it. I sit in the kitchen on MN quietly on my phone, with a fag and a coffee.

The older 3 DC's get ready mostly without bothering me, and DD and the DS's keep an eye on DS3 until 7.45am, when I can cope slightly better.

It embarrasses me how badly I cope in the mornings, but I manage to get everyone fed, washed and clothed and to school on time without incidents of shouting and extremely odd behaviour from me ONLY if I am given that time to wake gently.

I am trying to save up for one of those gentle light alarm clocks, because my GP has just pooh-pooed my issues with sleep.

As a bit of background, my Mother, my Dbro and my Maternal Granddad and Maternal Great Uncle are all the same.

Not one of us can EVER get up before 10am reasonably. None of us can EVER get to sleep before 1am on a GOOD night.

We are all nasty bastards in the morning, before 10am, but really gentle, caring people after then.

We have all worked evenings / Nights best, and have all really struggled with 'regular' 9-5 jobs.

My bedtime is usually between 2-3am, but has crept slightly later at present, to 3-4am.

It's horrible, I wish I could change it, tried sleeping pills around 13 years ago from a different GP. Didn't do a thing, I still felt tired at the same time (2-3am), didn't fall asleep till then, and then felt 'hungover' for most of the following day. Which wasn't appropriate with a young DC to look after.

I can't get my current GP to take me seriously.

It seems to me that my 'circadian rhythm' is out of whack to GMT and BST. Though I DO fare slightly better every year as soon as we switch to BST.

I need to move somewhere where 2am in England works out to 11pm in that country!

I would get him to push for a referral for a sleep study (like I'm trying to.)

My DD and DS1 are the same too. DS1 especially, and he is having real issues with sleep deprivation on a school day. He goes to bed at 9.30pm (he's nearly 11, and it's the time that works best for our family.)

There are many nights where he is still lying on his bed awake at 2am, having laid there doing nothing but counting sheep and inspecting the ceiling since 9.30pm.

He had even tried counting up to 1000, then counting backwards again from 1000 to zero. He got through it THREE full times forwards and backwards before he gave up.

It really frustrates us all that our body clock seems set totally differently to the rest of the UK!

My DS2 and DS3 are far more like their Father, and are early to rise all the time.

Sounds like you have the same thing I have, Couthy - Delayed sleep phase disorder. It's a bugger trying to live in the "normal" 9-5 world, eh? Like being permanently jet-lagged. I use the Sleep Cycle app on my iphone which makes waking up a little more bearable as it measures your movements while asleep and wakes you up in your lightest sleep phase within a half-hour window of the time you set the alarm for.

Thanks shrinkingnora, that's really illuminating. I'm back on the fence!

OP I think it's you who needs to wake up.

Whatever the ins and out and mental gymnastics to prove this man isn't abusive like your past partner, he hit your son and you are vulnerable and depressed.

I really think you need to ask him to leave. Your son has a right to feel safe and away from someone who attacked him.

I think I was misunderstood upthread. Someone lovely could be sleep disordered and thwack their partner in their sleep. That lovely person would be utterly mortified, go get help, come up with numerous ways they could not do this or to protect other people. It's not the sleep disorder (or the hitting if the sleep disorder is really causing that) it is what the person does about it.

Mouthy, I've got a light alarm clock in need of a good home, if you'd like it. PM me your address and I'd be delighted to send it to you.

Sorry, Couthy .

@ dequoisagitil I really wish mumsnet had not censored your comment because it evidently said more about you than me.

@pictish - you are not the last resort there are many professionally trained people in organisations far better equipped to help with the issues being raised here. It is worrying that that you believe the statement "we are the last resort". It would be far better if people were more readily signposted to the professional services available to them.

I don't think MN is the last resort - I think people come on here to sound off when they've just had a bad experience (whether it's the first or the 10th) because they need to let off steam about it and maybe find out what others' perception is of it, without having to live with RL people knowing.

Then they go and get the professional help they need to, often having been suggested by various MNers - they may not have been aware of where to go or what to do.

I'd be worried if I really thought MN was the last resort for people! Too much conflicting advice is given for that.

Has OP gone?

Has anybody mentioned parasomnias yet? Some behaviour that happens at a certain stage of sleep, and is uncontrollable, isn't a sign of hidden abuse. It's a sign of being in a dream state.

Sufferers can't help it, but that doesn't mean it should be tolerated by a partner. Many people with parasomnia have to sleep separately from their partner - sometimes with a locked door between them.

For you, OP, it'll be a good idea to get him to go to his GP. You do need to think, though, whether you want an ongoing relationship with somebody who cannot be trusted to be safe in the morning. It may not be his fault but that also means he can't change it.

OMG! Couthy and Web! I've got that DSPD! Thank you!
I'm going to print out the Wikipedia page and take to my GP. She'll love that (not)
Still, at least I've got a name for it! Interesting to see it's comorbid with ADHD, which I also suspect in myself but have no hope of addressing at this age.

Right, so I should be going to bed ...

You do know you can go to another GP? Ask for a second opinion if she is not helpful. Good luck with getting some help with it.

I'm sorry the OP has gone but at least the thread has helped someone.