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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel free to tell me Im a pr1ck

46 replies

welshboris · 23/04/2006 13:07

Dont usually post such frivlous emotional stuff, but Im hungover and emotional so here goes
Split up with DDs dad when I was pregnant, I suspected he cheated and was hormonal so walked out. Started renting somewhere on my own. He was there at birth, and sees her once a week (his parenting skills are a whole different thread)

We were back and forth, but I always kept my house, my independance.In Jan, DD was in hospital with chest problems and he never visited so I decided enough was enough and havent had any contact since then. He sees her up his mums

Anyways, I decided never to get involved with anyone again. He was my soul mate, we did everything together, were best friends. If he can cheat, anyone can.

I dont go without, I have a "friend", but have had to end it, as he was pushing me for more.

There are so many obstacles, I dont want DD to meet anyone, I dont want to share my home with anyone, my independance means everything to me

But, now Ive met someone. And hes nice.
But.... he 45. Im 24.
Im probably going to stick with my "I dont need no man" routine, but hes slowly breaking down my barriers

Now, tell me Im a prick, leave him where he is etc

OP posts:

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 13:40

Very true saying, LGJ

hunkermunker · 23/04/2006 13:40

You're not being a prick, WB, not at all.

It's all right to change your mind about relationships - it's not all right to be so stubborn that you pass up what could be a very good thing for you and your DD.

Enjoy it - and if it does go wrong, your DD will admire you for having the courage to give it a go. But if it doesn't go wrong? Not worth not going for it, IMO.

(Know what you mean about personal stuff on here too - but have done it a couple of times myself lately and you know what? It's quite nice )

Original poster

welshboris · 23/04/2006 13:41

Yeah bugger it, what have I got to lose? He doesnt have to meet DD for aggesss yet.
Just chill boris, dont be so bolshy

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 23/04/2006 13:42

lahdeedah · 23/04/2006 13:50

It's a big age gap, but maybe this is a good thing? My DH is 14 years older than me, we got together when I was 21 and have been together nearly 9 years now. I had had no luck with blokes my own age, found them to be horribly insecure and self-absorbed. Maybe an older man is what you need? More secure in himself, more life experience, less likely to jerk you around???

agree with everyone else - take it slow and enjoy it!

Original poster

welshboris · 23/04/2006 13:51

Yeah my ex was ten years older than me. Ill try 20 years see if it makes a difference!

OP posts:

lahdeedah · 23/04/2006 13:56

hmmm well I guess some blokes are just useless no matter how old they are...

best of luck with your new man

magnolia1 · 23/04/2006 14:00

And if it doesn't try 30

Seriously though I think the same as everyone else and you can take it as slow as you need and of course your dd doesn't have to meet him until you feel it's right

beansontoast · 23/04/2006 14:02

just remember that as a 24 yr old strong, independent and most likely beautiful, woman you are an asset! rich pickings!

you're right in that you certainly 'dont need no man'...to look after,fret about,row with etc

buuuuut,so long as he really does 'bring something to the party'...and needs nothing more than your delightful company then....try a bit of interdependence?

bourneville · 23/04/2006 14:10

i have a boyf i have been with since pg and i completely understand how you feel about independence, the risk of dd getting hurt etc. dd adores my boyf (and he her) and every time we have a row I feel really panicky mainly on her account in case he upped & left.
and re independence, we don't live together, i am very independent, the way i keep the house, live, choose not to work, parent dd is all down to me and tbh the idea of "settling down" with someone else scares the living daylights out of me (a lot of the threads on here don't help reassure me much! ) I think boyf will be ready before i am which is ironic cos HE was the one who was terrified of the whole thing early on in the relationship!

But anyway, i didn't run away from it because i just think, if things went wrong between us, that's life, things do go wrong. Yes it would be hard, but as others have said, risks have to be taken, both dd and myself would have to deal with it. Any other "normal" couple with kids face the same issues surely.

Re the age gap, confession time, just to share my experience: my ex was 30-odd years older than me!!! i ended it because of the age gap, i realised i didn't really love him the way i should, it was all about security, father figure type stuff, and also that we didn't share the same future!! (in other words i didn't want to be reaching 40 having to look after an elderly man!) I too was scared of a relationship with younger guys for the reasons you mention, but it was soooooo refreshing to hook up with my current boyf who was "at" the same place i was emotionally, etc etc etc, we clicked in a way i rarely click with anyone else. I don't feel as secure and nurtured with him, but that in itself has been very, very good for me tbh. i took my ex horribly for granted.

But anyway, lots of couples are 20 years apart and make it work, don't let me put you off! As others have said, you deserve some happiness and just cos your a mum it shouldn't stop you meeting ppl etc, and i also agree with others that your dd probably needs to see you relating with men etc etc so she's not scared off the whole thing herself.

Original poster

welshboris · 23/04/2006 14:15

thanks beansontoast and bourneville for taking the time to reply (and everyone else)

im not after a father figure, my fathers too amazing to ever compare to!
Ill just go out with him, see how it goes. If it doesnt work out, Im not going to go back to being bitter and bolshy.
lifes too short

OP posts:

fastasleep · 23/04/2006 14:19

Aww Welshy, I reckon this guy's helped you turn a corner -whether you sty with him or not you seem to have a new and improved outlook that really suits you...

age gaps don't mean a thing, if you want him go get him

DD will be happy if you're happy, whether she gets father figure or not!

Original poster

welshboris · 23/04/2006 14:22

Yeah I think he has, we're only mates at the moment, we drink in the same pub. But hes already slightly restored my faith in men

And he has fabulous forearms

OP posts:

fastasleep · 23/04/2006 14:23

Oh yes, fabulous forearms are a real turn on...

ahem(weirdo)ahem

Original poster

welshboris · 23/04/2006 14:24

all manly and muscly grrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

fastasleep · 23/04/2006 14:27

I like DH's hands, I'm a weirdo too...

mmm.. big strong hands.. mmm

Original poster

welshboris · 26/04/2006 13:13

Update!!
Haha! Ive been asked out on a date. And he is........ 23!! I was in the coffee shop next to my work on Monday, he was there. He works in insurance, and is very fit.
So, Im going on a date with him and next week Im going on a date with the 45 year old

I must be giving off a "Im ready for love" scent

OP posts:

cheltenhamgal · 14/05/2006 08:07

good luck wb, I too kept away from blokes for a long time and am now on my 3rd date with a guy who I find sexy, witty and charming. And who has been a great comfort to me with a recent family bereavement. As far as I can see my dd doesn't have to meet him for a long time :)

maltesers · 15/05/2006 19:58

good luck welshboris..ignore some of the harsh words from other mn's.. You are admirable to be strong enough to say you dont need a man in your life, and you can get one if you would like a man in your life. Sometimes wish i had the strength to do the same after the way men have treated me. Anyway enjoy your dates and best of luck.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 15/05/2006 20:02

Good Luck WB :)

(PS - Theres something about older men, I wouldnt let age put me off )

FrannyandZooey · 15/05/2006 20:06

I know boris was planning to be on holiday by now if dd was better so hopefully she won't be reading this :)

I don't think anyone was harsh, maltesers, just some of us teasing boris a bit. She can handle it, I think

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