Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice please.....crying and hyperventilation

34 replies

debz3610 · 23/01/2013 22:51

please advise. Just had a huge bust up with my husband. Things havent been right for weeks, probably months. He doesnt speak to me, wont even sit in the same room as me. And he says its all about the state of the house. Now the house is untidy with toys and clothes drying etc etc but isnt that the norm?! He also does, nothing. I work two days a week and the rest of the time i like to do fun activities with dd. It all came out tonight that apparently im a pig, my heart is not in being a mother, i neglect our daughter, all i care about is myself and going out with friends. Im only 22, and i did have a couple of nights out over christmas. But he is older, doesnt drink and is very work minded.Ive also been looking at going back to uni, he is dead against this and says my job is at home with our daughter. Is he right?
It ended with me going to my mums tomorow, and he says its all my fault as im being selfish refusing to move an inch with "being a pig". Im not a naturally tidy person, and dont sweat the small things. He is a complete control freak. Someone tell me what to do (apart from the obvious drive into the middle of nowhere whilst blasting Taylor Swift and smoking a million cigarettes)
Sorry for the rabble, TIA

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/01/2013 23:01

He's not going to change his ways and, as I see no reason why you should change yours, that's it. Marriage over. Onwards and upwards.

Forget about the million fags - no man's worth getting lung cancer over.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 23:05

Go to your mum's with your daughter.

And stay there

This man isn't for you

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 23:05

(or, in fact, for anyone)

Dryjuice25 · 23/01/2013 23:07

How much older is your husband?
I don't agree that he should stop you from going to Uni at all. He should be supporting you in this if he really wants you to bea happy.

He doesn't have a right to not do a thing about the house and then complain about it to you. He is an idiot for that and you need todo some serious talking about this with him. He doesn't sound nice at all.

You don't sound like you are neglecting your dd at all and just because you have a dc, you don't need to stop having a life too. Utter rubbish.

Dryjuice25 · 23/01/2013 23:09

I agree with Izzy and Anyfucker too. LTB. He sounds very much set in his ways. Sorry

tribpot · 23/01/2013 23:11

He seems very concerned about the state of the house.

Has it occurred to him to try tidying it up if he's that bloody bothered about it?

He has a very fixed view of what your role should be. As that doesn't coincide with your own view on what your role should be it doesn't leave a lot of room for negotiation.

Go to your mum's. Don't hurry back. And I quite agree, this tosser is not worth getting lung cancer for.

izzyizin · 23/01/2013 23:18

As far as I'm aware, no-one ever said 'I wsh I'd done more housework'' or words to that effect on their death bed.

Before you know it your dd will be grown and flown the nest. Make the most of her young years - they won't come round again and what better legacy can you give her than a memory bank filled with all the happy fun times she had with you in her childhood and beyond?

If he can't see this, more fool him. Depending on whether he believes in reincarnation, his epitaph will read 'A Life Unlived' or 'Blew This One'.

Original poster
debz3610 · 23/01/2013 23:32

Thanks so much ladies. has eased the persistent sobbing (a little). only plus is ive lost two stone because i cant eat around him. feel like such a failure. running back to my mum. and i know ill get the line he threw at me tonight "your only going back to your mums because it means you can go out all the time"

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 23:33

Who cares what he thinks ?

Stop letting him put you down

Original poster
debz3610 · 23/01/2013 23:35

Thank you guys! Really appreciate it

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/01/2013 23:36

your only going back to your mums because it means you can go out all the time

So? Jeez, if I had to live with a misery guts self-entitled twat like him, I'd need all the cutting loose R&R I could get.

Persistent sobbing? What's that about? Tears of relief that you're getting out from under?

Sunnywithshowers · 23/01/2013 23:43

He sounds hideous debz.

Original poster
debz3610 · 23/01/2013 23:45

Should be tears of relief. its getting the bloody courage to just go. scary....

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 23/01/2013 23:47

Your mum sounds lovely and understands its normal to have a life. You do get fantastic advice here.

Please don't give a shit what he thinks. What he thinks is about control, abuse and complete disregard to what you feel. He is not concerned about your emotional well being. He is here to destroy you until you lose all traces of what you think you are. Your self esteem will be completely eroded.

You don't need him to validate you. You are a good mum. You love your daughter and going out once in a while makes better mums actually because you are having "me time" to calibrate and energise yourself. He is just there to make you doubt your mothering skills and to destroy your ambitions of going to uni! Who the hell does he think he is?

He is not good for you at any level. Does he even help look after your daughter when he is not working? What do you get out of this relationship?

Bogeyface · 23/01/2013 23:52

Going out "all the time"? Fucking hell I would never be in the damned house if I was married to that prick!

He doesnt want you going out because a) your job is to keep him happy and that mean following his rules and expectations 24/7 b) you might actually find out that the way he treats you isnt normal when you get talking to other women and c) you might meet a man who treats you properly and dump his sorry ass.

So I suggest that as you already know about b) thanks to MN, and you know that a) is bullshit you should go straight for c) and dump him (but leave out the bit about meeting another man, you need to heal first).

You are 22. At 22 the world is your oyster. You can go to Uni, travel the world, live your dreams (yes, even with a child!). You can do whatever you want, but what you shouldnt be doing is dying slowly inside because the man who promised to love your forever is treating you like a shoddy employee.

How old is he? Does he have other children? How is he in other areas of life, does help with your DD or the house, is he demanding and selfish with his wants, he is selfish in bed, does he ever thank you or say anything nice to you?

izzyizin · 24/01/2013 02:50

If you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, start divorce proceedings NOW as the rules are changing in April.

Should you delay, you may find yourself married in name only to this obnoxious twat until you've scraped together considerably more than a few grand to get legally shot of him... and that would be cause for persistent sobbing and a million fags.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2013 07:40

The man's a bully and his attitude to women is about as healthy as the Taliban!

Go stay with your mum and, while you're there, start thinking about how to make a life for yourself and your DD, independent of this horrendous, uncaring, insulting excuse for a man. No woman's 'job' is to be stuck at home with children.... and it is an especially bad idea for you to make yourself financially reliant on him any more than you already are. He thinks you're a domestic servant as it is.

See a solicitor, talk to CAB, go to someone about housing and help with benefits. Get your RL support behind you and you'll then have the courage to act

Original poster
debz3610 · 24/01/2013 18:46

Had a long talk today. ive left, for now. but with words ringing in my ears. He says im selfish because i wont change my personality for the good of my marriage. Am i?! Feel like a complete failure

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 24/01/2013 19:01

sorry, but you are what you are and you cannot change your personality.... you can change your ways though....

My XH did something similar to me, said that the house was a disgrace. He never tidied anything because he "had no motivation"......

It does sound like you are sadly incompatible. Some mums like to stay at home if they can afford it and some don't, each to their own. If you want to go back to Uni, then do it. There will probably be a creche for your child.

Take the time at your mum's to think about what YOU want.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/01/2013 19:07

Please tell me this is a wind up?

Please. This being your reality is pretty upsetting to read.

You should change your personality for the good of the marriage? What a fucking idiot. Why did he marry you if he didn't like your personality? (I can tell you - you were young, attractive and he thought he could just tell you what you were going to do for the rest of your life).

Stop thinking this is 'for now'.

Why have you left though, what's the situation with your home?

What will it be like staying with your Mum?

Skyebluesapphire · 24/01/2013 19:18

My XH left me because of my personality. The fact that I was sarcastic, organised in day to day life, yet crap at housework. Exactly the same as when he met me ten years ago in fact Hmm

MarilynValentine · 24/01/2013 19:23

If anyone should change their personality it should be him. But he never will.

And you, my dear, are not a failure - you're a wild success and we're all applauding you. Because you have left him! You've been brave, faced the truth, made a decision. Well done!

Never listen to anyone who asks you to change your personality. And people who bandy the word selfish around invariably are selfish themselves.

Keep going!

Original poster
debz3610 · 24/01/2013 19:25

As i said im pretty laidback. my world will not end if i dont do the dishes right away. but apparently his will. my mum and dad are really supportive and i get on well with them. they are very much of the mindset that i should do whats right for me. all of his past relationships have ended badly. none of mines have. i have a circle of friends he resents, mostly because he has none.i had to leave, because he says its his house. he has also taken my car off me, had to get a lift from a friend to my mums. this isnt a marriage, is it?!

OP posts:
SirSugar · 24/01/2013 19:27

Get the police to go round there to pick up a few bits - including the car

What a cunt he is

SirSugar · 24/01/2013 19:28

sorry, mean't to say, get the police to go with you as he has become threatening