What is 'normal'?

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I left my EA husband almost 4 months ago. He was my only serious relationship. I want to give myself at least a year before I consider dating again, but have no idea what 'normal' behaviour in a relationship is. I am worried that I won't know what is just a normal disagreement and what is controlling/abusive behaviour. I can't go through this again in my next relationship.

Have you had a look at the freedom programme? I volunteer with vulnerable adults and this programme was often mentioned when women suffering at the hands of abusive men were on a course with us.

Trust your instincts. Do the actions of the other person make you happy or sad? Relationships should be a source of love and joy. Yes they have ups and downs but this basic premise shouldn't change. I love and care for my husband, he loves and cares for me. We've had disagreements and been through difficult times but through all that I have never doubted his love or care for me.

I've heard of it. I think you can do it online? Does it help with future relationships?

Second the Freedom programme.

It's great that you want to get yourself into a good headspace for future relationships.

I believe it does go into detail about recognising the signs of an abusive relationship next time around.

I believe the Freedom programme does help you set boundaries & expectations for future relationships.

You might also want to think about what sort of upbringing you had - what kind of relationship did your parents have, what that may have taught you?

I've somehow ended up in a similar marriage to my mum, despite them having divorced when I was 2. I've had no contact with my dad since, yet from what my dm says have married someone very similar. Don't know how that has happened. I'm starting counselling on Monday.

I found this article which you might find interesting. It's all about the very early warning signs of abusive behaviour, some which are less obvious than others.

I think the main thing you have to learn post an emotional abusive relationship is to put yourself and your feelings first. Emotional abusers specialise in having you run around after them, trying to keep them happy at all costs. This means you lose touch with your own feelings because you're so preoccupied with someone else's.

Very simply, therefore, I think the questions to keep asking yourself in any 'relationship' situation - and I include friendships with friends and family as well as dating - is whether you're happy, satisfied and relaxed that your wishes & needs are taking priority. You're not compromising yourself in any way. You feel comfortable and are respected when you say 'no'. It can feel very selfish at first but that's only because it's a big contrast to where you were previously.

You need to get very comfortable with yourself before getting into another relationship. Be clear on what you want from life, value your own opinions and have a strong sense of self-worth. Basically, you have to treat yourself the way a good partner would treat you - with kindness and respect. If you put yourself down, lack confidence, doubt yourself or devalue your own feelings then it'll be far easier for someone else to do that too.

On the relationship front, IMO a relationship should at its heart be fun. You should genuinely enjoy being with the other person, and get a laugh out of it. If it's constant angst and second guessing then it's just a waste of energy - either he's abusive or you're just not compatible. It's ok to give up on a relationship if it's just not working. Hanging in there hoping things will change, if the changes you're hoping for are big ones, isn't sensible. You just have to accept it's not the right person and move on.

You may have ended up in a similar marriage to your parents because they subtly taught you something about yourself that was damaging. Were your feelings as a child valid? Or were you dismissed and expected to put up and shut up?

That's an interesting point Cailin. My sister was very hard work as a child ( still is really), so maybe I was the 'quiet one' who never gave anyone any trouble? I certainly like to avoid conflict if at all possible.
I know I have spent 8 years trying to avoid him blowing a fuse and organising his life for him. It is nice now that I have some time to myself when the dc are at his as I can see friends and do things for me. It doesn't come naturally to me to do what I like and I think it would feel selfish at first.

I think the hard thing will be to know when to give up as really I shouldn't have been in this relationship longer than a few months, let alone get married and have two dc.
cogito, I will read that article, thank you.