Where do i start!? I feel low and sad.....

[HaveAGoodDay]

Well, i'm at a crossroads. Married nearly 10 yrs. 2 kids. He's younger than me, but he acts older. I don't think i like him anymore. He doesn't know how to have a laugh, he's extremely strict with out eldest, dd who's 8. The house being clean & tidy is more important to him than anything else. He seems to get angry at everything. He works a lot, including a few nights. Although i wouldn't call his job demanding, but he does work hard. There isn't a day that passes that dd isn't in tears over an argument with him. If i intervene, i'm cautioned by him. Its been going on for a while. I have felt so low for a while, i find it easy to cry at home. Its bringing me down & making me ill. We've had our talks before, but that's just it, nothing gets resolved. He basically turns it around on me and blames me because i frustrate him because i no longer want sex anymore - er, and the reason for that is because i'm hardly attracted to someone who's always angry and looking to shout at dd (they are his kids). I feel its time to call it a day with him, but how do i get him to see its serious this time?

I'd suggest doing the background work first. "Knowledge is power". Think through how divorce would look in practise, see a solicitor for example (some offer a free half hour consultation), and have your ideas fully lined up on things like accommodation, finances and access to the children. Get some RL support by talking to friends and family - prepare the ground there. Then when you tell him it's over you'll have some goals to work towards. This puts you in a position of strength.

Poor you. You sound like a friend of mine (tho she has never complained of being unhappy) but I sometimes wonder how she copes with her hubby being so tidy all the time. Being tidy is gr8 but with 2 kids in the house - frankly I don't think it's realistic.

Do you want to make it work? Will he go to counselling (would you?)? Is he depressed? Got OCD? Think he needs help? Not sure what to suggest.

Do kids love him? Do they have any relationship with their father? Do you have support? Suggest you speak it through with family/ friends. You need to be sure as break ups are hard. But if you see no way of it turning around and you'd rather be free - then you will just have to make him realise this.

Sorry not much use but do what is right for you and kids.

The tidiness thing is a side issue, as you've explained it's the physical side that's the main issue.

I do totally get that of course you're not inclined to DTD with a grumpy cleaning obsessive who rows with the DCs.

May I ask, did the feeling low that you mention start before the sex fizzled out or after? Are you able to remember what led up to this? Health or childcare or work or other issues? I'm not blaming anyone just wondering what changed and when.

Thanks for the replies....
Cogito - I see what your saying, presenting something concrete (like a brick!) to him so he gets the message, in my head, that's how I'd like it played out, but in reality, we have no money, well he has savings, not much.

Tazmo - He just likes house to be clean & tidy & he does his bit, but then every now & then has a go because 'I don't do enough!' And if he's doing a job (round the house) then he has to make sure I'm doing something, cleaning, hoovering, whatever, mustn't be sat on my arse!

Kids adore him, dd and him have a strained relationship, they are so alike, stubborn. He's very strict with her. She's very strong willed. I just feel like I'm caught in the middle everyday, I can see where he's coming from, because he's wanting to discipline her, but then she seems so upset and teary, then he can be quite frightening & I have warned him so many times about this but it's like banging my head against the wall, he just doesn't get it. Our other child is a bit younger so discipline issues aren't really a concern. But OH does seem to get on better with younger one.

Donkeys- the feeling low has been on & off for years, this more recent bout the last couple if weeks. The low sex drive, well that disappeared the moment I pushed my eldest out 8 yrs ago.

I just don't like him anymore I feel like he's bringing me down with his bad mood, god I feel like I'm permanent bad mood myself. We never ever go out, we've only been out twice I think since having kids, we don't have grandparents around to help out. We never ever go out, not even by ourselves with friends. I'm with the kids 24/7, not working at the moment. I've had 2 nights away from my eldest, 1 when I was in hospital with appendicitis & the other when I was having our youngest! I just feel we don't have any fun and its just all shouting and tears everyday.

Eg. DD built a little snowman - she came back from school, walking down the back garden she went to look for another stone for its 'button' had come off, her dad is in front of her. He starts shouting at her to get in. Shouts at her again. Then proceeds to count. Warns her if she's not in by 3 he'll drag her in.of course she whines & starts crying. Typical day. I just thought this isn't right. He should've been out there & helped build that snowman in first place, then he should have picked a stone for her. I would've been out there playing with her, but I've had some health problems so haven't been able to get out. It just goes from worse to worse.

I don't like the sound of the way he treats your dd. Strained relationship ? she's 8, fgs.

He's the adult, it's on him.

He shouldn't take it out on your DD or anyone for that matter. The shouting would make anyone unsettled. He gets on better with the younger one because his energy is concentrated on DD and the younger one either hasn't started to challenge him or sees what happens with big sister and adapts behaviour to keep on dad's good side.

You need a break somehow just to have time to think.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I keep things to myself. I don't have many friends. I feel as though he has belittled me over the years as well, made me think I am stupid & incapable of completing the simplist of tasks. I have no self esteem left, I feel extremely fugly, can't stand my face, the way I look. I think people pity or laugh at me because of how I look. I feel thick, like everything I say is thick. I never use to be like this, it's him he treats me like a child. He tells me he loves me, but I can't say it back to him - I just feel with everything going on in my head, I don't think I do anymore. I either sort it out once and for all because I can't face another 10 years of this crap. I know he won't leave, and I have nowhere to go, with two kids, what do we do, where do we go? There are no friends to go to no grandparents so we are stuck. The local housing can't help (enquired b4-at best they could only offer a b&b somewhere over the other side of the city so away from dd school, but only if we were at risk from him) so with no money & no home, we are stuck.

Oh love. He's really worn you down and is emotionally abusing you. Talk to Women's Aid.

You're married so you have a claim on any assets of the marriage. If you own a house, you as primary carer for the dc would have a stronger claim on living there. Get yourself some legal advice via a family law solicitor if you can get a free half-hour, or down to CAB to see what your options are.

Apart from that, you might be able to get a crisis loan or other help as a loan parent to put together a deposit for a rental. As a lone parent you'd also get tax credits/various benefits depending on your situation. There are ways out.

He has made you feel helpless, but you are a capable person who deserves to feel happy. And you can get to that place.

as a lone parent, d'oh

Out of my depth here tbh but desquoisagitil talks sense - wishing you well and bumping for further traffic.

Call the 24/7 helpline or locate your nearest WA offices here: www.womensaid.org.uk

What form does his 'discipline' of your dd take that has her in tears every day?

If i intervene, i'm cautioned by him You're cautioned by him? It seems to me it's time for you to 'caution' him that if he doesn't shape up and rein himself in, he can ship out.

"I know he won't leave, and I have nowhere to go, with two kids, what do we do, where do we go?"

This is why you need to get some professional help with the practical stuff. Solicitors, CAB, Womens Aid, even your GP ... all of these kinds of people can reassure you that you have a lot of rights and that there is a life post-DH...

The longer you remain with the status quo, the more he'll drag you down and the more difficult you'll find it to act. Good luck

HI guys, i don't know if anyone will answer this but me and OH were at loggerheads this afternoon (yes we are still together).

Its about his 'needs'. His constant need for relief, be it a bl*w job, or sex. Its becoming ridiculous. It's as if we've just met, he wants it morning, noon & evening and at 11pm. If its not a BJ, it has to be sex, or vise versa. To be honest, i haven't felt horny since i pushed my eldest out 8 yrs ago, that feeling disappeared a long time ago. Do i still fancy him? like i said before, its difficult to fancy someone who's constantly grumpy at me and kids. I look at him and he's changed, he's not the person i fell in love with, his personality has changed too and so have i, i get that. He says there is something wrong with me because i don't fall at his knees when i see him naked...

He thinks i should be ready and pouncing on him all day, whenever he's ready. The kids have been driving me nuts, especially lately. My daughter, is 8 acting with all the attitude of a 16 yr old, chatting me back, tantrum, chucking stuff, shouting. My ds, who's nearly 4, is at the moment giving Damien from the Omen films a run for his money. It's exhausting having to constantly play referee to them most days. And then to do one on one battle with my son when dd is at school, there is no let up from it i have no escape. When my son has whacked me in the face several times, my dd has thrown a dozen tantrums, my voice stings and feels like i have swallowed barb wire from shouting - do i really want to suck dck - NO, no i don't! Do i feel like bobbing up and down and having an almighty orgasm - NO, not really - I don't feel sexy, i feel very ugly, unappreciated and fat and would like to crawl under the duvet and either have a good cry about being a sht mother or fantasize about how i'd really like to look!

So is there anything wrong with me? So i don't want sex, a lot. Hardly. Any of the time.