Domestic Violence Red Flags? or am I overthinking it all?

[BitterTwitter]

My last long term relationship was physically and emotionally abusive so I suppose I'm on high alert this time around.

Just a few niggles.

Whenever I mention (or the TV mentions) domestic violence my partner either doesn't respond at all or changes the subject - almost as if it makes him uncomfortable. When I mention the violence in my last relationship he doesn't seem shocked or surprised, just 'uninterested'.

He always jokes about me beating him up and always tells me to hit him/give him a slap etc. I honestly think he sometimes wants me to hit him. This is even more odd as he tells me his ex wife was violent towards him. So why would he WANT me to do that if he's suffered with it in a serious sense before?

I asked him once if he'd ever reacted to his ex's violence. He thought about it for a while and then said he'd pushed her out of bed once but that was it.

Am I over thinking it? does any of this sound odd or is it just me?

If he has been the victim of DV himself that could explain why he's not comfortable with mentions on TV. He may not know what you want him to say in response to your own story... a lot of people really don't know how to react to the trauma of others and would rather not talk about it. And as for saying 'give me a slap' or whatever, it's a bit odd given his history but I wouldn't read too much into it. How long have you been together?

... and as for 'red flags' specifically. Does he show any of the usual traits of an abusive/aggressive/bullying man? Jealousy? Criticism? Blaming others for personal faults? Blaming you for minor problems? Sulking? Acting superior to others? Destructive? That kind of thing?

Google freud's repetition compulsion. Did a parent hit him? Sounds odd to me too.

I'd be suspicious about what happened in his marriage. How do you know whether it was her or him who was the violent one? Apparently many abusive men claim that they were abused by a previous partner when in fact they were the abuser. If the victim ever retaliated or defended herself they use that to fabricate her role as the abuser. Anyway, pushing her out of bed is violent. How likely is it that that's all he ever did? Any chance you can get the ex-wife's version of the story?

It sounds to me like you are unable to have a proper conversation about the domestic violence that you've both supposedly been through (I mean supposedly on his part) and that's not good in itself. It should be something you can talk to each other and empathize with each other about. Counselling might help with that but if he is an abuser then the last thing you want to do is give him ammunition by telling him all about your past abuse in joint counselling. I'd dig a lot deeper into his previous relationship and see if it adds up.

If a man jokes about something odd, like he deserves a slapping ha ha, or (eg) wouldn't he look great in your shoes ha ha, it's possible he's testing the water and trying to tell you something. IYSWIM. Just possible.

It depends what else you've got to go on. If he suffered violence in his previous relationship, is it DV as we understand it? Was he fearful and intimidated? Or, do you think that he gets off on women being 'violent/provoking him' and likes the excuse to hit back? In the way that play fighting often turns nasty if you do it with an abuser.

But... To be honest, whether he just gets off on the idea of deserving a slapping, or whether there was genuine DV in his other relationship..... you, a DV survivor, do not really need this.