house, finances children

[curryeater]

dp and I are living in a rented house, we have 2 dcs, we are going to be given notice and have been looking for a house to buy.
I have savings equivalent to a 30% deposit on the house, we have had an offer accepted. He hasn't any savings.
I don't want to put the house into equal shares.
Not sure if I want to live with him at all (not sure how we would manage if we separated but that's another thing). have just been looking at 2 bed places I could maybe afford on my own, for me and the dcs. Seems like a more sensible way to use my money if we are going to break up.
I have depression, he is bored and lonely with me (in a nutshell).

don't want to find another place to rent, don't know how to resolve the issue of where / how we are going to buy a house when basically up to now we were making all our decisions as if we were married and everything was shared, but now I feel so unsupported and thinking our long term future might not be together, I don't want him to have my life's savings, which are basically a gift from me to him if we buy this house and put it in joint names.
(I have this money because I have worked like a bastard including supporting him at times. He has taken time off to write, spent money when he wanted things, not saved)

Can you put a house in joint names in unequal proportions, ie, recognise that he will be paying the mortage with me but did not put into the deposit?

Writing this I am thinking that if that is how I am thinking there is no point mooting it, we should just split up and sort out separate futures.
But I am also thinking that when depression attacks is the wrong time to make big life decisions.
but I have to. We have to find somewhere to live. So either I just give him all my money even though I don't really know what the future holds, or I force a break up (probably) by admitting I don't want to.

What do you all think?

"Can you put a house in joint names in unequal proportions, ie, recognise that he will be paying the mortage with me but did not put into the deposit?"

Yes... people who share house purchases with friends or business partners do this kind of thing all the time. A contract is drawn up showing what level of contribution each commits to making, what proportion of the property each will own as a result, what the procedure is in the event of one or other party wanting to end the agreement... you can do all of that with a solicitor quite easily.

Even if you are depressed and/or unsure of the future, it never hurts to have practical things laid out in black and white.

Can you afford to buy the house outright, with just you on the deeds/mortgage?

Yes, DP and I did this when we bought our house together as the deposit was all mine. However we did want to live together and are now getting married. It sounds as though you don't even want to live with your partner.

Even though you can legally draw up a contract with the difference in contributions personally I wouldn't go there right now given the way you are feeling. I'd either rent for a little longer to see if the way feel changes or make the separation now, as their are children involved that's easier said than done.

Agree with heston... sounds like the very last person on earth you should be committing to a house purchase with at the moment is your partner. Just pointing out that, if you do go that route, you can protect your investment.

fruitstick - no. the mortgage is on my salary only (and deposit) but the reality is that I can't afford the monthly payments on my own. Either I live with dp in a house that size and he gets some share in it, or I live somewhere much smaller with the dcs only (I hope).
I am trying to get to talk to a solicitor but no one is returning my calls.

I think what I am facing is that if I raise the issue, it is sort of like a nail in the coffin. It isn't something I can say and expect everything to stay the same.

Avoiding my phone as our offer has been accepted and they are desperate to get going with it...
feel so tired and tearful, I never thought I would feel like this on the verge of owning a house, I have wanted this all my life and now I just... want it all to go away

If the mortgage has been agreed on your salary only then the lender must feel that you can afford the repayments on your salary only. They are pretty tight on lending and wouldn't offer you a mortgage you can't afford. That said, if you feel you can't afford it, you should definitely go it alone in a cheaper house.

Don't let anyone pressure you into buying a house with someone you're not sure about. You can withdraw your offer. It's a pretty slow market, there will be other houses. Sort out your relationship and your health as priority.... take a short-term lease perhaps... then work out what you want to do.

Well, you are going to have to raise it, even if it is to suggest differences in shares. That is more of a headache if you ask me.

My situation was very different but I bought a flat which my boyfriend moved into. I made him have a tenancy agreement (I was very young). Although this still causes a bit of resentment, we have been together for nearly 20 years and married for 10 of those. We now own a house together 50:50, even though all of the capital is mine (we have a v small mortgage).

I would never have done this if we weren't married.

If you're not prepared to marry someone, don't buy a house with them. It's tantamount to the same thing!

If I were you, I would either

• call the whole thing off and rent for longer
• buy the house in your name only, as you are responsible for the mortgage. Would you be able to do something if he moved out? Get a lodger etc?

I know you don't want to meet this head on, but unfortunately you are going to have to make some decisions and fairly soonish.

Why not rent a new place for 6mths and then see how you feel about things? It'll give you a bit of breathing space without having to do anything too drastic.

Do not exchange contracts until you have really thought this through. You need to give yourself time, if that means telling people that you have gone off the house, then so be it.

AKiss, I can't afford it on my own at all, I don't know how they think someone could, we pay full time childcare and have expensive travel costs for work, after that there is no way there is physically enough money going into the bank to make the repayments, without even allowing for other normal bills.

Cogito thank you for your thoughts. I think I can probably ignore the phone for one day and not lose the house, if that is how we decide to go.

OK what does this look like, as a model:

Suppose we buy a house with my 30% deposit, and split all the costs of paying the mortgage and running / maintaining it:
Is it fair to say that I own 65% and he 35%? (I keep my 30% and half of the remaining 70%, he gets half of the 70%)?

Looking at it like that it looks so like splitting hairs (which it doesn't feel like to me right now as this is all the money I have ever had or will ever have). But still, wondering it if worth it

Sorry, for clarity: the mortgage is on my salary because dp has a new job and was freelancing before. He is employed now though, and this is why we will be able to afford the monthly repayments. I have no idea why they think I would be able to afford them on my salary, because the costs of working are so high (childcare + transport)

fruitstick, what do you mean "more of a headache"? You mean sorting out the shares would be more than a headache than splitting up?

I think I can probably ignore the phone for one day and not lose the house, if that is how we decide to go.

Please, please do not decide to get the house. If you are expressing doubt like this now you need to deal with it now, not later. I speak from experience.

TeaMakesItAllPossible (your name has given me a brilliant idea!) - do you mean don't buy the house now, or don't buy the house at all, or...?

Depression makes it very hard to think clearly. I am not sure whether this is real or not.

It does make it all possible especially if it is Yorkshire Tea.

Not ever - unless you can afford run it yourself or you've put in a couple of years of work together to change the relationship.

Could your depression be linked to the "bored and lonely" man in your rental property?

Don't buy the house at all!

It sounds like you are very unhappy with this man/cocklodger. I think that yes doing the shares thing would be a headache, as you need to explain to him then, that when you split up you don't want him to have your hard earned and saved cash.

If you can't face a split yet, then find somewhere else to rent, until your relationship either dies or survives.

Or buy somewhere smaller that you can afford by yourself and split now.

Good luck, but I sense you are at the crossroads and need to choose. Hard at the best of times, but more so now.

I mean, the very fact that you are suggesting a split, is saying 'I'm not sure about this relationship and want some protection when we inevitably split up'

Now lots of couples do this, many of whom don't split up, but it is the same conversation as 'I'm putting the house in my name as I'm not sure about this relationship and want some protection when we inevitably split up'

Giving someone share of the house when their name is not on the mortgage is NOT a good idea.

Say you split up in 6 months time, he moves out, you are the one left with the mortgage payments, you are the one whose credit is screwed if you default. And he just takes any profit if and when you decide to sell!

I'd be renting if I were you. If he is now in employment, then in 6 or 12 months time, if you're still together, he'll be able to go on the mortgage with you, and that would be a better deal.

He is not a cocklodger. He is a nice man who has a job that brings in essential money, and does all the CM runs, and makes the kids' tea every night. We just aren't getting on. I don't know whether this is because I am going through one of my periodic brane-crises or because we have fundamentally had enough of each other. I just can't tell.

Here is my plan:

Ignore phone for now, do not instruct solicitor on house (today)
see dr (tomorrow)
talk to dp about possibility of splitting house ownership into shares (today or tomorrow)
talk to dp about counselling (because I want to communicate with him properly, even if we split up, even if just once)
see where that takes us and maybe book some viewings of little houses for just me & dcs at weekend
try to get consultation with family solicitor (? why is no one returning calls)

His name would be on the mortgage. What I mean is, they are saying they can't take his income into account when they set the amount we can borrow. Which is fine by me because I think we are looking to borrow as much as we can actually afford anyway.

In which case, ignore me completely

curry sounds like a sensible plan to look at all the options. Good luck