Apologies in advance for long post, but any help appreciated. Background - I'm in my 40's, been with husband (same age) 20+ years, married 16 yrs. Two primary school age children. He works long hours in a demanding career (out of house Mon to Fri before 7am, back after 7pm, often works evenings/weekends). It's not the kind of career which encourages part time working, especially for men. I work part time (but also in a demanding role, and including some weekend work), and I have 100% responsibility for school pick ups/childcare etc, plus do all food planning/shopping/cooking, all laundry, almost all card/present buying and sending, organising holidays, most of tidying up/cleaning (we don't have a cleaner). The one role he has in the house is to pay bills/take responsibility for our finances, which he manages pretty well.
Problem is, we have become entrenched in 1950's style roles which make me feel more like a housekeeper, or even his Mum, than his wife. There is an expectation that three meals a day will appear, which he has had no part in organising (even when he's on annual leave, or at weekends when I've been working and he's off). The usual routine on weekdays is that I'll cook the evening meal, and eat with the kids around 6.30pm, then he'll arrive home at 7.15pm or later to eat his portion, might help me get the kids in bed if he has time, then disappears for a shave/shower etc. which takes him over an hour (I appreciate he needs some wind-down time). He then starts doing more work on the laptop and often doesn't come to bed until midnight or later, falling asleep within minutes. He has little interest in sex and it has dwindled to every 6 weeks or so, but there have always been issues with a lot of performance anxiety and sex isn't always successful, so there's some avoidance going on I think.
There's an unspoken rule that he can have a lie-in both days of the weekend while I get up with our youngest, then work whenever he feels like it without informing me in advance, and the implication is that the kids will either have to entertain themselves or I'll spend time with them. He loves them and is a great Dad when he is with them, but doesn't prioritise quality time with us or plan anything fun, and if it was left up to him we'd spend every day off just pottering round the house aimlessly. He does do things at weekends but only if they're pre-arranged, eg. kids' parties. We went on holiday in the summer and on the first day he had to find an internet cafe and spend a couple of hours doing urgent work he'd not had chance to do before leaving.
I don't get much time or opportunity to speak to him without the kids around, but if I've tried to raise any of this he tends to shrug and say that work is very busy or promise to help me out more in the house (which might happen for a day or two). I completely accept that I've had a part in letting these roles evolve, but I feel as if we're just existing at the moment with very little fun in life, and I also feel as if we've grown apart and lost the closeness we used to have. I am lonely a lot of the time when the kids are at school and I'm off work, but wouldn't share this with any of my friends in real life because they know him and I think he would be mortified at me discussing marital problems with people he knows. He is never unkind to me, but conversation is usually limited to asking how my day/the kids' day was.
Anyone else been in a similar situation and managed to turn things round? I know his career will always mean long hours, but the main thing I want to achieve is to maximise the time and fun we have together as a family/a couple and try to feel closer to him, without me always being the one to make the effort to plan and organise things.