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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

42 replies

Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 11:09

Every time my 10m DD has an unsettled night, my DH seems to lose it with me. This ranges from him shouting at me 'for being in a mood' or to stop crying.

She's teething so some nights she is up a few times. I always deal with her as she won't be comforted with anyone else at the moment.

Recently he told me I was a 'fucking martyr' and loved wallowing in misery, and to fuck off out of his sight.
Next day all flowers and sorry.

Last night he said I was clearly very unhappy and always looked fucking miserable. Well you show me someone up with a cross baby at 4am who is full of joy.

The thing is, I don't agree. I get down sometimes like everyone does, but on the whole I try my best. I don't think I'm a martyr as I don't wallow in silence and if I'm overly snappy then I haven't noticed.

This mostly happens when DD wakes him up so I'm suspicious of his motives.

If I say I am tired he snaps 'well I'm tired too'. I tried to explain me saying I'm tired is not a dig at him ffs.

He wants me to see a GP and thinks I'm depressed. Ironically it's him that's getting me down. I don't think I have depression.

I argue back with him and tell him he's wrong but he won't listen and just swears. If anyone needs help it's him as he is insecure and has no insight.

Why is he doing this? I'm exhausted. He does fuck all around the house and bare minimum with DD.

I asked him if he wants to leave and he yelled that I was fucking melodramatic. I can't win.

Thanks Mumsnet.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/01/2013 11:17

I'm so sorry you're living like this.

Short answer: because he wants to, he can, and it serves him well.

Longer answer here:

Why does he do that?

bongobaby · 23/01/2013 11:20

Bathtub he is being vile and abusive towards you. tell him you are unhappy and miserable because of the way he is treating you. your dd will pick up on this aswell and be upset. do you want her to grow up thinking the way her father talks and treats her mother is acceptable. he has issues and needs help.

MarilynValentine · 23/01/2013 11:22

God he sounds appalling. Give me a baby waking hourly through the night rather than a nasty bully like him to deal with, any day.

He does it because he's a prick, in answer to your question.

What was he like pre-DC? Maybe because you weren't exhausted all the time you could 'handle' his unreasonable moods better?

It's not ok for him to be treating you like this. Every couple argues when sleep-deprivation occurs (I know DH and I did!) but what you've described is far worse and nastier than just tired grumpy bickering. Especially since he doesn't even get up in the night so doesn't have tiredness as an excuse!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 11:29

He's hitting you when you're down... metaphorically speaking. Picking on someone when they are tired and at their most vulnerable is bullying, pure and simple. Verbal abuse is not acceptable under any circumstances. I think the question is not whether he wants to leave but when you want him to leave... he sounds horrible.

Whocansay · 23/01/2013 11:36

Do you have any supportive family that you can stay with for a bit? I think you could do with some help and some time to think.

But yes, he is being unkind (to say the least) and is a bully.

Original poster
Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 11:36

He wasn't as bad pre DC, though had his moments. He's been intermittently vile since she was born.

I did love him but now I'm not so sure. I think he killed off any love. I look at him sometimes and just feel loathing. Confronting him is futile as he won't see my point of view and just yells. It's exhausting and frustrating.

He puts on a big show for his family. When I first met them his SIL said 'we all wonder how he got you'. I later found out he lived with parents until he was 35 and was basically very lonely and pitied by his family.

He's insecure and I think has some guilt about not helping much with DD and this is how it manifests.

If I am unhappy he is the cause.

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 11:37

Family all OS so no one I can go to. His mum and dad nearby but if he strangled a cat his mum would blame the cat IYSWIM.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 11:39

Abusive behaviour in men often starts during the first pregnancy or after the arrival of the first child. Very common, sadly. He may be insecure but what he's feeling is not 'guilt'. Bullies are usually so self-absorbed and lacking in empathy that there's no place for guilt.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 11:42

"if he strangled a cat his mum would blame the cat IYSWIM"

A man with a very indulgent, excuse-making mother, living alone until age 35 and then turns out to be a selfish, nasty husband....? Hmm Sounds like he expected you to be replacement mother, equally indulgent, equally forgiving of bad behaviour and his nose has been put out of joint because you're more concerned (quite normally) with your new baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 11:43

Sorry... living with parents until age 35. He's just one big clichee isn't he?

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 11:43

"I asked him if he wants to leave and he yelled that I was fucking melodramatic. I can't win. "

He does not actually get to decide this. You can win. Ask him to leave!

He is an abusive twat and your dc is not served well, by you allowing him to stay and treat you like this.

You dont need a gp. You will find any depression will disappear when he does.

dequoisagitil · 23/01/2013 11:47

Yeah, it's usually a case of, before the pregnancy/baby arrives, you had lots of time to dance around, keeping his needs satisfied & preempting his moods and filling your mind with how to keep him happy.

Once you have a baby, your attention is divided and you don't have the time & energy (or patience) to devote to everything he wants, so the bully/abusive man has to step up his game.

MarilynValentine · 23/01/2013 11:48

It almost sounds as if he concealed his real self from you until he 'got' you. A level of dishonesty there.

And now the stresses of parenthood (even though you are doing everything!) have made him unravel and he's become a bullying, aggressive, unpredictable adolescent. No wonder you feel loathing.

Do you have friends nearby? Someone to talk to?

Keep posting.

ChooChooLaverne · 23/01/2013 11:51

Do you want him to leave? I would in your situation.

Original poster
Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 11:52

I agree he is a bully.
If I had family to escape to I don't think it would be as bad.

How the hell can I afford to live in London as a single parent though?
I will be back at work part time in 8 weeks. We rent and its very expensive, nursery fees are enormous.

OP posts:
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 11:53

You asked him if he wants to leave. He will tell you that he is leaving and will blame it all on you. Its his way of controlling you further with his abusive behaviour making you accept it more because you are vulnerable and tired.
He is jealous that you are now not at his beck and call, you are focusing on your dd which is fine.
Blokes like him don,t like strong women like you arguing back with him. The cat thing has a true meaning as his mum is submissive to his shit so he wants you to be the same. Don,t accept it you are worth more than that.

MarilynValentine · 23/01/2013 12:01

Oof, I don't know, bathtub. But I know that people DO manage. And your partner/ex would have to contribute.

Maybe contact the CAB? If they can't help maybe they can direct you where to ask.

I'm sure someone will have some more practice advice for you..

MarilynValentine · 23/01/2013 12:02

practical

ChooChooLaverne · 23/01/2013 12:02

It is possible, even if it's not easy, to live in London as a single parent and you will get help with housing benefit, tax credits etc.

It might be worth going to your local CAB or contacting Gingerbread for advice:
gingerbread.org.uk

Gingerbread also have local groups run by single parents so it might be worth finding your local one and having a chat to some of the parents there to see how they manage and they arrange weekend meetups which are good to go to:
gingerbread.org.uk/content.aspx?CategoryID=438

Original poster
Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 12:10

Thank you everyone.

You see, last night wasn't the worst by a long shot but for some reason it tipped me over the edge. He got up, I was in living room with DD, and started having a go before padding off back to bed. I felt consumed with hate.

The apology flowers from last week irritate me today.

I'm going to contact gingerbread

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2013 12:11

"How the hell can I afford to live in London as a single parent though?"

If you can bear to talk to a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce you'll find that your DH would remain financially responsible for your DC and probably yourself to a certain extent. He can go live back with his parents.... Mummy will be thrilled, I'm sure.

ChooChooLaverne · 23/01/2013 12:11

I used to get apology flowers too, only they were never accompanied by an actual fucking apology!

Original poster
Bathtubbubbles · 23/01/2013 12:18

Ha, Cogito, mummy would, daddy not so much.
Apparently she cried when he moved out.

Choo, I'd prefer no flowers no apology, just decency. A hollow gesture do you think?

OP posts:
MarilynValentine · 23/01/2013 12:22

Well daddy will cry when he moves back in then!

I think it's time the apology flowers found their way to the compost heap/bin Grin

ChooChooLaverne · 23/01/2013 12:28

Yes, it would be better to be with someone who doesn't act in a way that merits constant apologies - obviously we all make mistakes and it's right that we can apologise if justified.

But there is a big difference between that and behaving like a cunt then buying flowers as if that in someway excuses the behaviour. Especially when that behaviour is repeated ad nauseam.