Help me make sense of this

[ItsMeInHiding]

I have name changed as I would hate DH to see this & he knows my usual NN.

Last night DH & I had sex. It was completely consensual, I wasn't forced to do anything.

However this morning I feel dirty, disgusted & almost violated. My head isn't in a good place anyway (seeing GP & referred to CMHT for depression). An ex forced himself on me years ago so I vaguely understand what that feels like, and don't understand how to get past this. I can't tell my DH how I feel, he'd be devastated.

Can I reiterate I WASN'T forced into anything, a lot of this comes from my very confused feelings about sex generally, but this is bad & I had to force myself to kiss him goodbye this morning.

You need to talk to your DH. Clearly, you're struggling mentally at the moment, the bad memories are coming to the surface and it's making normal life abnormal. He shouldn't be devastated if you explain it that way because you won't be accusing him of anything, just asking for his understanding, reassurance and support. He should want to do that for you.

An ex forced himself on me years ago

will probably have led to this:

my very confused feelings about sex

I'm so sorry about your experience with the ex. Have you had any counselling for it?

I had this happen once - only it didn't take until the next morning to feel bad. It was just something that DH did, he didn't even realise at the time, it wasn't even that bad but it made me feel powerless and uncomfortable (and wasn't physically very comfortable either). I told him a while after and he promised that he would never do that again.

Was there anything different about the sex you had? Something unusual, maybe triggered a memory?

So sorry you are going through this

Do tell your DH that you are having a hard time due to that horrible experience in your past. Confide in him, let him support you.

Also as Thumbwitch says was there anything about the sex you had that made you feel uncomfortable? It's ok to let your DH know if so.

Do you think you have repressed your feelings about that event up until now? It might have a lot to do with your depression.

An ex raped you. Something about what you and DH did last night consensually brought back the sensation of what happened. No reflection on your DH.

Does he know about what happened to you? It sounds as though your are still stuck with it.

I can relate to this.

My ex was sexually abusive to me. He raped me on three occasions (twice when I was asleep, and once when I had said no to him several time, but he penetrated me anyway, despite my complete non-participation). I also had sex with him many, many times, not because I particularly wanted to, but because it was easier than putting up with the tantrums if I did not.

I enjoyed a healthy sex life with my lovely current DP before we moved in together, but I found a really strange thing once we started living together. Whenever we had sex, even though I positively wanted to, as soon as things started heating up I would get a voice in my mind saying "Want to stop now". I knew that if I had said so, my DP would absolutely have stopped immediately: he did, when I did vocalise this once, which then left me feeling very confused as one part of me was thankful to stop, and another part of me was left feeling horny and frustrated. There was obviously a part of my brain where feeling very negative about sex had become a sort of reflex, and was serving up emotions that did not fit with the reality my new situation and how I was feelings.

Thankfully, after I recognised that this was what was probably happening, I made a conscious decision to ignore those negative thoughts, and after a couple of months they faded completely.

Could it be that you have a deep-seated fear that if you allow yourself to express your sexual feelings, to show yourself to be a sexual person, to perhaps be a bit more adventurous than you would normally, that this will be taken advantage of? That your feelings of disgust are a big form of self-protection to withdraw from a side of yourself, or a sort of intimacy that you showed to your DP last night? That you now want to withdraw back into your shell because this has left you feeling vulnerable?

If you can work out those feelings for yourself, you may well be able to deal with it without help. Otherwise, some sort of counselling would probably help.

Sorry not been back, OP here in usual guise, am going to discuss this with DH so no need to hide.

I've realised I would probably benefit from some kind of sex therapy as I have some fairly confused ideas about sex & whether I was raped or not. I have had counselling but obviously didn't work through it as thoroughly as I'd thought.

Good luck