Think I might be going crazy...

[BellaBlackberry83]

Hi there,

Long time lurker first time poster. I don't know if the right place for this is here or Mental Health. I know there are plenty of problems on this board that are much more important that mine, but MN is so full of wisdom, I thought I would have a go.

I am 29, and single. I have a professional job which I love, lots of friends and a full life in London. I own my own little flat and am pretty happy with most areas of my life. Whilst not the life and soul of the party, I do enjoy a wide range of activities and socialising in small groups.

I've never been overly bothered about the fact I don't have a relationship. It has simply not happened for me yet - I am very picky and have been focused on my friends and career. I don't want to settle for second best. I also don't tend to meet that many single men. But as I said, it doesn't really get me down on a daily basis.

I give that as background, because I really can't explain why or how this has happened. I am even embarrassed to write it down!

Last year, I became obsessed with a professional sportsman. He doesn't live in this country. I started googling him several times a day, watching his matches over and over again and finding out everything and anything I can about him. I also started daydreaming about him a lot. I have even looked at going to the country he lives in for internships - purely on the off chance I might meet him.

It sounds so ridiculous written down. I'm a grown woman, for goodness sake, not a stupid teenager. I have basically kept this all a complete secret from my friends - because they would laugh in my face if they knew.

I know that I don't know him. I know this is a fantasy that I have created - no real man could ever hope to live up my "dream man". I know that this suits me, because my fantasy man can never reject me, hurt me or let me down.

I have recently found out that he has a girlfriend. And I'm gutted. But I am more gutted about the fact that I am gutted - I thought I was a rational human being, and here I am becoming emotionally involved with someone I have never met.

I know I need to get a grip, I know I'm being ridiculous. This is so stupid. But I am genuinely starting to wonder if I might be mentally unwell. Or am I really lonely, and just don't realise it?

Do I need to seek some professional help?

What you've got there is a pretty big crush. It just means that you've got a lot of love and affection with nowhere to go and you've opted to pin it on some random stranger, obsessing about him replacing the feelings you might have for a real person. I don't think it makes you mentally ill, just lonely.

Best way to beat an obsession is to find something else to get passionate about. Transfer the emotional energy to something/someone that reciprocates rather than wasting it on some poor bloke that doesn't know you exist. No idea what that might be for you but I think your social life probably needs a make-over as a starting point.

Sounds like a crush rather than a mental health problem to me. I wouldn't worry about being abnormal, plenty of women fantasize about celebrities, but do try and keep it in perspective. How about having some fun internet dating or something to take your mind of it?

... to clarify... when I say 'make-over' I don't mean you need more activities or more friends. I mean finding something that is more fulfilling and worthwhile.

You're probably just lonely.

My reasoning: female biology evolved over x millennia, long before the invention of TV, or the web. At certain times in our lives our brain/body says - you need a man, go and get one. You can't find one. But if you see one on TV, wherever, sometimes the more primitive part of your brain says - that one looks good, we'll have him!

You can't, because he isn't real, or isn't available for some other reason (eg, he might be married) : but while the more developed, reasoning part of your brain knows that, the older part doesn't. Result, a crush.

If it's interfering seriously with your life, making you ill or anxious, causing you to stalk the individual, or otherwise preventing you from healthy living: then it's a medical problem.

If not, it's just embarrassing, and nothing more.

Sounds like a crush to me - I have them all the time.

Agree that you need to focus on something else to obsess about.

What the others said, you're not ill!

You break crushes by focusing on imperfection. Is there nothing about what he does/wears/says that's just slightly less than perfect? That your eyes skate over a bit when you read about him? Silly taste in jackets, maybe, or sounding a bit cliched in interviews (lots of sports people seem to talk in cliches). Dwell on that thing, and how silly it is and how much you wouldn't like to be in a relationship with it. Do this on purpose at first and you'll find before long it's automatic. You're almost rewiring your brain. Your crush will sink back to manageable proportions.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it is very much appreciated.

I have just had a long chat with my best friend. Outcome of the conversation was as follows:

1. I need to calm down

2. Be thankful this is the most serious problem I have to worry about (I actually do really appreciate this)

3)I am creative, romantic and passionate - these are good qualities, but aren't getting much of an airing in my current job (which is a little more...earthy.)

So as a response, I am taking up a creative writing course, and as you say Cog, trying to find some more productive hobbies.

MadBusLady - I actually read a little while ago that he had been seen in a strip club. Now whilst I know some women would be fine with that, I wouldn't be. So thank you for reminding me!

I know that I will find Mr Right eventually - but a woman out there achieving her goals is far more attractive than one sitting in her room mooning over some fantasy man.

So thank you all for reassuring me I am not crazy!