Affair 9 months on

[PecosBill]

A bit of background first...

Found out last year that my husband had an affair, was utterly heartbroken.

The affair consisted mainly as an emotional affair but he had met up with the OW a few times.

My husband was devastated over what he had done and I decided that we would try and work on our marriage, went to counselling and discussed the affair and why our marriage had reached a point it had.

Now 9 months on and some days I can get on with things, other times, it consumes me. When he kisses or touches me I can picture him with someone else, I remember what I had saw in the emails and it plays over and over in my mind it is just a shit shit feeling. Feelings of distrust, if he doesn't pick up his phone at work I wonder if he is actually there, has he set up new email accounts that I don't know off etc.

My husband, I do believe feels extremely shit over what he has done but it is hard as when I have my low days he gets upset and I hate that I end up hiding my feelings even more than normal.

I don't know why I am posting this, but need to be able to get it off my chest, clear my head out a bit.

Is it possible to recover from an affair, is it normal to have these flashbacks and mistrust as whilst I made the decision to stay with him I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.

Definitely not weak to decide to stay after an affair, it's the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it took me on a journey down a path I thought I'd never travel to learn about myself.

You will never ever forget so don't expect to, I have forgiven my husband and I accept that he was/is flawed and I saw him trying to work on himself for me. Anything else and I would have shown him the door.

You need to think what you want to live with , everyone has things they couldn't deal with and that's ok, outside influences can make you feel like you are doing the wrong thing too so try not to listen to people who don't know you or your situation that its s hopeless case.

Nine months for me too!

Understand everything you have said.

I have flashbacks of the day I found out everything. I also have insecure days but nothing like those early days.

I think it's still early in the healing process. I will have moments of pain now rather than days of anguish and anger.

Same as you I often think if people view me as weak for working through this.

Dp has shown remorse and has been open about everything. The only thing I wish he would do is ask how I am more often. Don't get me wrong he's open to talk whenever I feel the need but he never wants to instigate a conversation about it. Says it makes him feel like shit all over again.

You are doing so well and like me have battled through this because we love out partners.

It's been one of the most difficult paths I've ever taken but I'm pretty sure I've made the right decision in working through this.

Trust I'm sure will come back in time but as others state not that 'blind' trust there once was. Feel mighty sad about that but we're working on it.

I think the main thing is knowing you can talk to your dh whenever you're feeling low. Don't bottle anything up (although I can totally understand why you do) your dh needs to be patient and give you time to heal.

I'm not at the forgiving stage yet. I won't forget what he did but I'm pretty sure I will reach a stage when I'm ready to forgive, this will help things to move on hopefully. To be quite honest dp was the last person I would have thought would do this. It's been a total shocker and not something I ever want repeated.

Be kind to yourself. You're at a vulnerable time at the moment with being pregnant and your dh should be supportive and reassuring at every step of the way.

Good luck x

I agree that its not a sign of weakness making the decision after months of processing your thoughts and feelings to stay after an affair. Its important to ensure that you are doing it for the right reasons i.e not because of DC or your lifestyle.

I think you both need to re read the book and have a full and frank conversation about how to move on - maybe counselling will help with this as it seems he is stuck in this cycle of feeling shit but not tackling his issues.

Sometimes you can't recover from something like this. Don't feel that because you've tried and he's tried that you have to keep trying.

You may still be able to get through it, but there is a choice - and it's not your failure if the relationship is irretrievable. He's the one who smashed it in the first place.

Hi Pecos
I could have written your post except it has been 8 years! DH had/has a similar response as yours. The times of feeling sick and horrified have become less over time and are outweighed by the times when things are good.
I put off making a decision at the time because I wan't in a strong position and I was worried that I would stay simply because I didn't have anywhere else to go so went to uni and now have a career so that I can make decisions based on free choice. We have started to go to councelling for the first time recently for various reasons and it is tough facing it but feel like I was just so angry and sick initially that it wouldn't have been much help - I just wanted him to get a taste of how I was feeling. I can now get some separation and be clear about what I need.
I think I was in this place for a few years but didn't want to drag it all up when we were so comfortable.
Overall, I would say it gets much better and, whilst I don't trust him, I dont imagine him sneaking off all the time either. I wish I had insisted on counselling earlier as I have been really angry with him over his refusal to face it more than the actual act itself. But I don't regret staying.
I hope you feel better about it all soon.